This Girl Who Feels

Grin and Bare it...

2009-02-11T19:17:00.000-08:00

Though I'm not sure how many readers I actually have, so, for the known two, let me just say I have lots to blog about but not a lot of time. So here's a little teaser...

--New Social Circle
--Flash Update (yeah it's been a while, and I know I promised to stop blogging about the negative but....)
--Possible engagement (Yes! I said it, whoop whoop)
--Baby D updates (good and bad, womp womp womp)

So, stay tuned. I'll get to it soon enough.

Word of the Day: Jealous

2009-01-21T23:08:00.000-08:00

You know how people say "you're green with envy", well, what do they say when you're jealous? I don't know, but I'll find out when I have more energy to. Whatever it is they say, I am definitely jealous.

It's another week, another day, another night before another morning where I am still unemployed. Listen to me, it sounds as if someone is doing this to me on purpose. As much as I want to place blame on someone else, I know it's my own damn fault. Early last week I was on a little bit of a high when I got a call from a recruiter with a temp agency called me up about a job opportunity--temporary, but nonetheless an opportunity--and I was really psyched because this same recruiter had reached out to me before the Christmas Holidays and after we met seemed like he was interested in helping me. Back then, there was an opportunity available but his client put the position on hold due the volume of business right now (damned economy) so anyway, the recruiter said he's keep in touch if anything came up. Well, last week, something did. I interviewed for it and it went really well, but it took my recruiter and the client exactly a week to decide they wanted to do a second interview because there were several positions they were considering me for. I hate that I had to do a second interview because at this point I just want a job already, but I'm told being asked for a second interview is a good thing. Hell, when I was applying for my job at the bank eons ago, I had three interviews. Anywho, that interview was this afternoon and it seemed to go just as well as the first, so I'm hopeful. The assignment could go 'til April, but I don't care.

Just when I'm down, things in different departments start happening. A couple of blogs back, I mentioned finally getting on the ball in the Child Support department, well I officially submitted the paperwork in October but my case wasn't opened until mid November. I had to let them know I was unemployed which I didn't think would be for long. Anywho, the process is very slow going because unfortunately there are a bunch of deadbeat daddies in the world, so you pretty much just have to wait until your number is called. Well, my number must be moving right along because my case worker has called me twice for updated information. Apparently, Flash's employer never got around to verifying employment and wages, but the State was able to verify he was indeed employed and will go above his employer to get their necessary information, however, considering I am unemployed and Baby D is not in day care full time, my case worker informed me I should hold off for now on having a summons and complaint filed because say I get a job after the unemployment information is collected and no day care funds will be allocated on Flash end, it won't be much. So, I'm hoping to hear back from my recruiter by tomorrow with an update so I can let my case worker know. She says that if Baby D is back in day care full time, Flash will be ordered to pay half. That would be a big help, especially since I was going to put anything I got from him towards that. Day care alone eat up a big portion of one pay check, geesh! It'll be nice to get that help. Of course, I'm anticipating some resistance on Flash's part when he's served, but I'll just deal with that when it comes. It's just refreshing to know that at some point Baby D is going to be getting some financial support.

I finally finished and submitted the necessary application and statement to this teaching intern program I learned about. I've been in communication with the director and I'm praying to get into the program. It's really well organized. It's a program set up by Mayor of Oakland Ron Dellums and the City of Oakland to hire prospective teachers as interns and have them employed teaching while earning their credential as soon as Fall 2009 in the Oakland Unified School District. A lot of people are intimidated by Oakland schools, but I definitely am not. It did take me a while to carefully think about teaching middle school or high school students, and through assessments it's clear I'm good with a younger crowd but not quite elementary. Hopefully I get into the program. I attended an informational session at HNU for the credential and Masters program and found it be very informative. If I don't get into the program, I will definitely keep pursuing teaching, just taking a different route.

My sister and mother were out of town for about 5 days visiting family in Texas for one of my aunts 50th birthday party. Two years ago everyone was out for my mother party, so this year it was time for people to head to Texas. Of course, Baby D and I didn't attend. My aunt offered to pay for our ticket, but I had to pass. I don't like going places broke, not to mention, there's always some family drama. I don't need to fly to another state for that. My mom and sis got back Monday and had a nice time, but assured me there was some drama and I didn't miss much. Baby D and I missed them, and had no immediate family nearby. My dad and stepmom were in Reno over the weekend as well. Thankfully we were fine. Had there been an emergency, we would've been you know what out of luck.

I enjoyed the inauguration coverage and wanted to have a moment with Baby D who I've nick named my Baby Obama. Baby D could've cared less. As I watching our first Black President be sworn in, Baby D decided to turn the TV off because I had turned from his Go Diego Go. Hilarious.

Esquire and an old friend celebrated birthdays this month and it got me thinking about my own upcoming birthday (not until July, but that's closer than you think). I've been thinking a lot about where I am and where I want to be. Pretty soon, I'll be thirty, and I hope by then I will be in better spirits and in a better place with my life--let me say I know I will be instead of hoping to be.

There's no real structure of this post, just needed to vent and needed to feel the keys on my fingertips. I'm longing to be employed, lol. I hope to find a job to work until I'm accepted into the program (I hope, I hope, I hope), so we'll see.

Fin

Nine for 2009

2009-01-09T22:05:00.000-08:00

Not usually into resolutions and sadly it's clear I'm not too good at keeping and accomplishing goals, but I don't know, something about 2009 is inspiring me to want to do better. Here's my nine plans for 2009.

Nine for 2009

1. Get a Job- Not just any old job, but something that pays well and allows me to care for myself and Baby D without too much of a struggle.

2. Get Ahead – Get jump started on my planned teaching career. Continue to research and inquire on programs until I find the right one for me.

3. Find Purpose – Be it attending church every Sunday or Wednesday nights or even opening the good Book and finding a purpose through scripture.

4. Take Action – Continue to monitor the status on the Child Support order issued for Flash. See to it that it doesn’t go overlooked and make sure that the county is doing there part and I am doing mine.

5. Speak Out – Continue to be opinionated and stop making excuses for other people. If there’s something I don’t want to do; I won’t. If there is something I don’t want someone else to do to me; don’t let them.

6. Find Strength – Rebuild that confidence I had so much of in the beginning and improve on keeping that at the forefront of my mind.

7. Mommy and Me – Though every day is an important day for Baby D and I to build memories, plan to do something special for him every month, just the two of us.

8. Treat Myself – Find room in my budget to do something nice for me. A pedicure, a hair appointment or even buying something nice.

9. Create My Happiness – Figure out what makes me happy and stick with it. No more relying on petty or insignificant factors of life or people to make me happy, or convince me they know what is good for me.

Dark Night

2009-01-03T18:08:00.000-08:00

Tonight, like the last few nights, is not a good night. My mom, bless her for all that she has done with Baby D and I, is pretty fed up with me. There's not a lot of space in our two bedroom apartment, and now that she's here full time (since parting ways with her partner recently) it's becoming clear that this place definitely isn't big enough for the three of us. I thought I was going mad living with her cats and Baby D in her absence, but now living with all of that and having her here all the time is definitely challenging.

Yes, the apartment is technically hers. I don't pay rent nor any of the household bills. Things have been that way even before I was laid off. My only responsibilities have been Baby D and seeing to it that all of his needs are covered, like his groceries and supplies and such. Lately, since she's been here, Baby D is definitely confused by two authority figures being under the same roof and different styles of parenting. My mothers style, definitely old school and considering she's a grandparent, she's more lenient and patient when it comes to me and my new age "learn as you go" sort of impatient but loving method. We butt heads and bicker a lot about Baby D and what I care to deal with and what she assures me, "Is apart of being a mother", Whatever.

She's been walking around sucking her teeth and sighing, eye balling my every interaction with Baby D and that has all resulted in me pretty much letting her take on what should be my role. I know it's not right and definitely not fair to Baby D, but honestly, I'm just annoyed and depressed and can't shake the funk I get in every now and again when I start to feel sorry for myself.

I make all of these plans in my head, but when it's time to see them through and get proactive about it, I fail. Yes, I live in my head and escape there often. Sometimes, I even feel like Baby D is my younger brother and I'm the older sister who bothers when needed. I know, it's so unfair.

My job hunt continues and daily my resume and applications are sent out, but to no avail...yet. I keep saying that hopefully the new year will bring a turn around and I'll actually start having some luck. I remain hopeful, but it's slipping.

I haven't been feeling very well, and Baby D isn't the only person I'm slipping on taking care of. I stay up pretty late and have absolutely rotten eating habits. I find comfort in anything chocolate or with a sugary taste and if I don't let up, Hostess frosted chocolate donuts are definitely going to be the end of me. I want so much to lose some wait, but there just isn't enough effort to attempt to diet at this stage in the game. A good ten, even fifteen pounds off would definitely look good, but right now looks are the furthest thing on my mind.

Oh, Happy New Year. I almost forgot to mention it. I rang in the celebration with my sister (whom I argued with only hours before countdown), my mother and Baby D. It made for an interesting evening as I allowed (well, more as sat back and did nothing) Baby D to stay up until the stroke of midnight. That proved to be wrong on my part after Baby D was nearly traumatized by the thumping sound effects from fireworks going off outside our apartments, and now any time someone knocks on the front door or walks hardly past our door, Baby D breaks out into a whine and tears and has to be soothed for a moment. No bueno.

There's one thing I can say I'm proud to be actively working on, a big goal--no more pacifiers. I originally wanted to be done with pacifiers when Baby D was nine months old, but if you look back on previous blogs, I'm sure I had something keeping me from achieving that goal. Anywho, Baby D has been going cold turkey since Monday, and it's Saturday and though it's been a tough adjustment for all of us, it's working. Only now Baby D is all about falling out on the floor or hitting or grunting really hard to let you know he's truly pissed. When we're indoors, it doesn't bother me but out in public, is a whole different issue. Outings have been cut short now while we're going through this rehab of sorts, and though many say I shouldn't, I'm easily embarrassed. I'm hoping over this next week Baby D will be passed this pacifier withdrawal, but there won't be too much to cheer about since the terrible two's are vastly approaching.

Here's some good news for a change; a sorority sister of mine, the one I am closest with, had her baby a few days after Christmas and I am just so happy for her. It's her third and I was so happy to be able to help by giving her a lot of Baby D's little baby gear and even his infant car seat. I know I wasn't opposed to hand me downs, and it's nice to know there are other people out there who don't turn up their noses to a helping hand either. Probably in another week or so I definitely need to get out to see the new baby, and because of germs and honestly, tantrums, I plan to leave Baby D with a sitter. I'll have to see which set of grandparents are available.

That's the end of this one. Blues Clues is on and Baby D is standing too close to the idiot box as always and now I need to be a good mother and back him away from it before his eye sight goes to complete sh*t, like mine.

--me

What a difference a Week makes...

2008-12-30T13:43:00.000-08:00

Do not be discouraged from reading, I assure you I am done crying and feeling sorry for myself in the love department. Because I want to keep going forward with optimism and do away with looking back on bad times, I am only going to speak on the last post on a positive note saying, JE and I are back on--enough said.

If anyone is like me, they are glad the Holidays are over, well at least the most expensive day has come and gone. As down as I was about not being able to pull off a nice Christmas day for Baby D, I managed to make it a pretty good one this year. I moved some things around in my unemployment budget and decided to sacrifice some things and spent a total of $100 on Baby D for Christmas. Considering I don't get much from EDD, I think that's a nice deal. I spent a good $70 in toys and crap and then spent another $30 on a new pair of kicks. Baby D is growing so fast and a new pair of shoes was a definite must. Flash's mother had mentioned buying shoes for Baby D for Christmas, but me, not wanting to wait around for people to keep their word or make them feel as if I need them (at least her anyway), I decided it would be a good motherly idea. Stride Rites had a pretty good sale and I got him a cute pair of Nike's in blue and white so he can wear them with just about anything.

My family and Esquire hooked Baby D up as well. My dad and step mother got him some really nice sweat suits by Adidas and some Elmo toys and my sister got him some sweat pants and hoodies and socks (a necessity) and my mom bought him a toy vacuum so he could imitate my domestic activities on point now. Flash's mother did actually buy him a decent pair of brown shoes also from Stride Rites and they fit him really well and he seems to like the support they give him on the ankles. Esquire got Baby D some jammies and socks and a gift card to share with me. I'm so blessed to have people in my life that really care about Baby D, aside from showering him with gifts, but genuinely taking an interest and loving him. Overall, Christmas was very nice and very laid back. We spent Christmas Eve visiting Baby D's paternal grandparents and meeting a great grandmother who was in town from Arkansas, then spent the rest of the night with my dad and step mother and family who had come over. Because my dad and step mother bought a vacation house in Reno, they had plans to ski Christmas morning and since none of us kids were joining them, decided to unwrap gifts Christmas Eve instead, and I must say, it was easier and I'm glad we did that this year. My dad and stepmother hooked my sister and I up with some cash and I was able to get a nice coat on sale from Burlington the day after Christmas.

Christmas morning Baby D and I woke up at my sisters apartment and unwrapped his gifts. My mom joined us and we had a delicious breakfast (pork chops and waffles) and creative Christmas dinner (spaghetti and chuck roast). We sat around watching Snapped marathons on the Oxygen network as well as the new series Momma's Boys on the WE station. Because Baby D woke us up rather early and just being burnt out from the week overall, my mother and I wrapped up Christmas kind of early in the evening and headed home. I had so much junk to lag around for Baby D, and I have yet to go through some his other toys that I want to donate for many reasons, one of which being a space issue.

The day after Christmas we avoided the early morning shoppers and didn't head out and about until after the rush was over. As I mentioned earlier, I bought a comfy and fitting pea coat from Burlington with my Christmas money, and after that my mother, sister, Baby D and myself had lunch at my favorite place, El Torrito, where it was pretty dead. I know a lot of people have left overs the next day, but our family is so small that we don't. Not to mention, we generally just love to eat out in the street. I habit I for one should nip in the bud coming into the new year.

Saturday Baby D and I got to visit with Esquire and her mother and Baby D got a real kick out of petting the family's two dogs. It was nice so nice to see Esquire, especially since I hadn't seen her since Baby D's birthday party over the summer (yeah, I didn't blog about that either). I had to cut the visit short out of my embarrassment of not being able to control my child. The family's house is very nice and Baby D is now at that stage of getting into whatever and treating it like whatever, a behavior I know is expected, but I am not too fond of. I know that he isn't going to sit still somewhere and mind his manners right now, but by golly I really wish I had a remote control, if so, he's forever be on pause whenever we visit folks. Next time Esquire comes, we definitely have to have an outing, and I'll need to plan that way in advance.

Sunday was chill. Baby D and I did absolutely nothing and that's how I like it. Monday we got out for a walk around our neighborhood and to the grocery store and though I hate to admit it, we had to stop at McDonalds. Baby D was supposed to have some french fries with me so I wouldn't feel so guilty, but that pooper was asleep the entire time and I had to eat alone.

I detest that I am such a foodie, and not even a foodie with taste, just a junk foodie. I can't cook to save my life, and the few meals I know how to prepare take too long and while in preparation, I lose the desire to savor. I could stand to lose some weight, a good ten or so pounds. I didn't pig out over the Holidays as expected, but I did have a third serving of collard greens and beans and rice. I've never been a salad eater, calling it rabbit food, but I know I should start giving healthier meals a try. My metabolism is definitely no longer high as it was when I was in high school and still developing. Now I have hips and thighs and while flattering for my figure, a toned stomach and arms would be a nice addition, however, having a baby definitely didn't supply that as it did my hips and thighs.

My sister says I need to learn to cook the meals I like to eat, but everything I like to eat I like to eat prepared by the hands of a skilled cook. I may give slim fast a try, it's been working for my stepmom for years. I just know that a lot of healthy foods have no flavor and I know there are diets where you can still eat what you enjoy just in moderation, but that word is foreign to me when you put chicken and shrimp fajitas, or chicken enchiladas, or a Red Robin cheeseburger in my face. And working out has never worked for me. I used to do crunches right after I had Baby D, but I've grown tired and lazy and if I'm lying down, the last thing I'm trying to do is a crunch.

I really do need to learn how to cook for Baby D aside from my own issues. He's out of the baby food stage, and those Gerber Graduate Entree's seem to be played out in his book. He's a big fan of beans--refried, pinto, red--you name it, and he likes chicken (I made some not too long ago) but I need to give him more variety. He won't eat vegetables alone, they have to be mixed together with some hidden flavor to think he's having something else. I was a very picky eater growing up and due to being spoiled, I was indulged and that's why I am that way today. I don't want that for Bab D. I want him to be open to trying new things so they he has a eclectic palette. Since we've been home together while I'm unemployed, I've had to get creative with the meals. Breakfast is standard every day (oatmeal and yogurt) but lunch and dinner is always an obstacle. The last three days he's been having grilled cheese sandwiches that I cut into little bite size squares (pictured), perfect for his little fingers. He's really independent and I'm all for that, so preparing meals that he can feed himself is a must.
If anyone has any ideas/recipes you could share that would much appreciated. I check all the parenting sites often, so I'm sure I can get some ideas. Anywho, because I'm sure I won't be posting before the year is out, have a safe and Happy New Year 2009!!! Can you believe it?

Lloro Por Ti (I Cry For You)

2008-12-21T22:46:00.000-08:00

Another unsatisfying weekend has come to a close, and let's just say the happenings of this weekend were definitely not expected, however, not too much of a surprise. First, the good part of the weekend. Friday, Baby D and I spent a good three hours at Stoneridge trying to find something for me to wear to JE's Christmas party on the Hornblower. Thanfully, I found something I knew I'd be comfortable in and thought JE would like and settled with that. Friday night, JE made me feel kind of special wanting to see me (even though we weren't going to see each other until Sat. evening before the cruise) and we spent some time together and that was that.

Saturday morning I went to breakfast with my mother, sister, aunt, god mother, Baby D, and my god mother's partner, and it would have been a nice breakfast had the couple a few tables over not made it blatantly obvious that they were annoyed with Baby D and his need to be heard. No, Baby D is not a bad baby, but he is very expressive and genuinely happy and excited all of the time, a blessing if you ask me. However, the couple, most like in their late 50's or early 60's was very annoyed at every sound Baby D made and had the nerve to give me looks. I broke down. It's already hard enough being a single mother having to play dual roles, but it doesn't make it any easier when people display their disgust or disapproval of my situation in public settings. I have never experienced anything like that when we're in public. Normally, I'm trying to hush Baby D myself out of my own embarrassment issue, while others assure me it's not a big deal and that is just how babies act, but this was different. Anywho, my family tried to calm me down and told me not to sweat those patrons and that if they kept on looking and making hard sighs that they would indeed be checked. I never want to have to take it there, but trust me, these people were rude. I hate to also think that race may have played a part too, but you know, it could have.

After breakfast, Baby D stayed with my mom as I had a hair appointment so I could look nice for the dinner cruise later in the evening. The hair appointment turned out to be interesting considering my good friend does my hair (she's really good) and well just an hour before my appointment (mind you I was sitting in my car outside her place until appointment time) and lets me know she has come down with Pink Eye and just wanted to far warn me since it is highly contagious and she was concerned with me passing it on to Baby D. I told her I would take my chances because my hair was seriously busted and I had somewhere to be that night and couldn't work with my hair on my own. For having Pink Eye, she did a good job and got me in and out.

I dashed over to JE's house to get ready and that's when the trouble of the night really began. JE assumed I'd already be dressed, but I wasn't and luckily all I had to do was throw on my clothes since I had showered and all that good stuff earlier. I would've gotten dressed at my friends place but I didn't want to keep her and not to mention expose myself to the infection any more than I had to. After I was dressed, I thought JE would have something nice to say, but he didn't. When I asked him should I wear my freshly done hair up or down, he told me it didn't matter and that it looked nice either way (not really what I wanted to hear, you know). I was sort of bummed considering I thought I looked really nice and presentable for the occasion and that I was meeting his boss and co-workers for the first time. No, I wasn't fishing for compliments, but I guess I just wanted to hear him say something nice, like he was excited to have me on his arm. No, didn't get that.

We got in his car and headed off to pick up his co-workers who needed a ride over, and one co-worker in particular looked very dapper and JE complimented him right away. When I called him on it, he said he was so impressed with his colleague because at work they're usually in street clothes and never looking like much, but whatev. After getting through some traffic on the Bay Bridge, we finally get to the Pier where the boat was docked and JE and his co-workers wanted to get a drink at a bar another pier or so down on the Embarcadero, and I obliged being that I wasn't going to sit in the car or cold alone. I just wish someone would have considered that I was in heels, but no, not really. It was only a block or two, but I was cold and I don't wear heels often so truthfully I'm no Tyra Banks in them but that's beside the point. After the guys had their drink and the bar and I finished my Shirley Temple--because you know I don't drink--we headed back down to our Pier which hadn't started boarding quite yet. When we got there, some people had finally started arriving and here came the introductions. JE introduced me simply as Christina--because he later claimed everyone knew who I was to him-- and when one colleague asked if JE would be attending the club his boss owns in the City, JE had the nerve to say that he wouldn't be joining on the account of having to take me home. Ass! That's not the way I want to be introduced to people, as a damper in your good time. I called him on that right away and it was all down hill from there. JE apologized, but my feelings were still hurt. True, he did have to take me home because I'm not and have never been in to club life so I was not interested in attending a club after the cruise, not to mention my mom was sitting for Baby D and had church the next morning and I didn't want to get home too late.

After making it through a few more introductions after we boarded, we finally sat. And we just so happened to sit at the same table of his boss who had brought (hired really) two Playboy Playmates as his dates (and also to promote at his club after the cruise). JE introduced me to his boss (whom he also hangs out with pretty regularly) who actually said, "So you're my competition?" wha-what? The nerve. Anywho, one of the playmates sat right next to me and after some musical chairs the other had a chance to sit next to me as well but soon the first one was back. Of course the guys were all swooning for these pretty ladies, and it was a sad sight. It's like have we no dignity? Yes, I'm sure these women are gawked at constantly, but you have to wonder if they ever get annoyed. Considering one of them let me know it was her job to "Party" and promote the brand "Playboy", I doubt they ever get annoyed. What I don't appreciate about the misconception of women in Playboy is that they must be whores too, not so for a lot of them I'm sure, and it's unfortunate guys turn up the charm in hopes of actually taking one home. I don't know JE's boss too well, but he seemed like he was hoping to get them both in bed that night.

Soon after the dinner course was served, JE made his way to the bar and well, stayed there with his co-workers, leaving me to mingle with Playmate and co-workers who only seemed to be talking to me or including me in their conversations because they noticed my date abandoned me. Yes, the Playmates were interesting girls, but to be honest, I could care less. I didn't go to meet Playmates, I went to spend time with my boyfriend who preferred to down beers and take shots all night with these co-workers he sees on a daily basis. I grew bored very quickly and had enough. I found a spot away from it all on the Sky Deck and my thoughts were all that entertained me. I was hoping JE would come to his senses and think maybe he should at least check on me, but he didn't. For all he knew, I could've been thrown overboard and left out in the Pacific. Dramatic? I know, but it happens. About fifteen minutes before the cruise was set to end I decided to let JE know how ticked and alone I felt. I found him on the deck having yet another beer with his buds and had to pull him aside and away from the group.

When I began to lay into him, of course he saw no fault in his behavior and even had the nerve to say he thought I was okay because I had been talking with the Playmates. Then he goes onto to say I'm tripping because the other girlfriends and wives were not worried about their dates. I quickly let him know that I'm not those other women and how they feel about their dates is their business, my concern was him and I was obviously not his. We argued and I demanded to be taken home directly after we had docked and were back on land. He obliged.

The ride back was quiet on my end, but his drunk co-worker had plenty to say from the back seat. We dropped him off to his car and then JE had to get back to his house to get my bag and car but as we made our way back we pretty much argued and broke up. I was devastated when JE said flat that he was done and didn't need "this", "this" being me and my rant. I wanted to make sure he was for sure about his words and indeed wanted to end it and we argued some more and after a weird happening of things, we patched enough to where I let him know that I had thought about his desire to want his time and that I'm not going to beg him to be with me. We parted, and JE set out to yet another function for a night of drinking, while I headed home to my sleeping baby. Because last night was rather emotional on both ends ( I cried of course) I thought I'd hear from him today being that he made it seem like he was going to call, but once again, I misinterpreted the moment and well he never called, and I called him only to have it reiterated again that we are indeed "on a break". I wanted to know the specifics and boundaries of that decision, however he didn't have the want to go there and get into it. I can't make him, so it is what it is.

As much as it hurts, and after all of the time and blogs invested in that 21 month venture, I guess I'm mature and have had enough heart break in life to know that I can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to, and I have enough love for him to give him up and let him do his thing. And yes, the hopeless romantic in me still believes in the saying, "If you love someone, let them go..." you know how it ends. No, it has never worked in my favor, but I will say that if I hadn't let something so natural that needed to happen actually happen, then a lot of my exes wouldn't be in the happy relationships they are in now, so at least someone ends up in love.

Aside from JE and our problems, I have more on my plate and I don't want to say I'm taking things off for good, like JE, however, I'm moving things around for sure and putting my priorities first. Think of it as eating all of my vegetables first and getting to the other stuff when I can.

I haven't been very good to myself or my responsibilities. I'm in this fog of waiting for things to happen, which don't seem like they're ever going to happen, or at least happen when I'd like them to. JE was the first guy I really thought was going to end all of my lovesick woes and be with me and love all of me and work it out in the toughest of times. I don't know, I love him, but it wouldn't be love if I tried to keep him in my grasp when he's running away. I'm sure with time, I'll get it and probably JE and I won't get back on track. It's been so long since we were and whatever has been keeping us together this long, couldn't have been healthy because look where we are now. I have my insecurities and the selfish side of me that thinks maybe he has been stepping out on me or has plans to pursue another woman without the baggage I have, or whatever, but the rational side of me wants me to believe it's not about me and if he's doing whatever he's doing, that's his business and it's his life, and right now, it really shouldn't be a concern of mine since I'm just not one of his.

I really just want to get my life on track. I have this beautiful little boy who depends on me and needs me to be healthy and strong and be everything for him. I'm tearing up as I write this because I look back on this first year of his life and how much time I spent away from him to be with JE or try to have JE be around so it wouldn't seem like I was spending time away from him, but I was and it's not cool. My mom never did that to my sister and I when she was dating after she divorced my dad, and there was a never a time in my adolescence where I felt my mother was putting a man before us. I know Baby D is still so young, but it would kill me if he ever thought I was doing that. There's no man or anyone who will ever come before him. I truly believe that my whole existence was planned for me to have him and until he's a grown man and tells me to let him not need me, but in the mean time I am his everything.

I want to find a job, get back in school, get my own place, and provide this life for him that I want so much to give him. He deserves it and I don't have a time line right now of when we'll have our own of everything, but I'm never going to stop working on.

The title of this blog is the title of an Enrique Iglesias song that I heard in the car last night and I think it's fitting. No, I'm not crying for JE in a way that I can't live without him or anything desperate and pathetic, but more so that I'm crying because I'm so upset with how everything is turning out. From my relationship with him and trying to sustain an unfilled love life, to how I'm in the same boat I was in last year at this time. I just have to get so much about myself right.

Good Night.

Live Your Life...ay ay ay

2008-12-18T21:28:00.000-08:00

It's Thursday and that means for working folks, the week is pretty much over. For me, it means another week with no job. I had an interview Wednesday morning and it seemed promising, and I was supposed to hear back from then today, but did not. Hopefully I'll hear something tomorrow, good or bad. I hate feeling like I've wasted my time and other people's time. My mom used some of PTO to sit with Baby D while I had the interview. Regardless of the outcome, at least I have something to put on the EDD paperwork to keep the checks coming in, lol.

I went to the information session for the Masters/Credential program at HNU. It was very informative and in all honestly a bit intimidating. The school is very small in both location and population, thus the Masters programs are even smaller. The session was broken up into tables holding the department chairs. My table for the education department sat about eight of us, I think. I got some questioned answered, but felt a bit out of place. Most of the people at my table have already been in the field in some kind of way and I definitely have not been. I know I shouldn't let that turn me away from the program, but sometimes I get insecure about keeping up. I shouldn't worry so much about what others have going for them, but instead worry about having things going for myself. Whatever, at least I got off of my ass and did something productive today.

I'm still in need of something to wear to Saturday nights holiday party for JE's company. Tomorrow Baby D and I are going to get up and head to mall. I'm sure I'll find something at good old Forever 21. I dread going into stores like that now considering I push around a big stroller and I'm not sure if we'll get through the aisles. Now that I think about it, it seems like a rather far drive to go all the way to Stoneridge in Pleasanton for the same store at Southland, but I hate Southland Mall, no truly. It was just a few months ago when someone was shooting up the mall. Aside from the violence an shear tacky-ness, the place just irks me. I don't know, I'll see how far I'll feel like driving. Hell, I live right next to TJ Max and Old Navy right here at Southshore shopping center in Alameda, so maybe I'll find something there. I don't want to go crazy over a top, so my budget is something under $40, lol.

I'm so annoyed with the current state of my hair. It's so thin and blah and I've been trying something new for the last few months but it's getting to be expensive and annoying all together considering it only lasts for a few days before it's all downhill. I need a job so I can continue to maintain it, my goodness.

Yes, this post is purely one big complaint. I think I'm done now.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

2008-12-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

Since I'm currently unemployed and have a lot of free time on my hands (only because I'm overwhelmed weeding through job postings) I decided to go ahead and blog. I might as well review my weekend since it's only Monday.

Saturday kicked off nice with my mom taking my sister, baby D and I to breakfast. It was a very nice treat and it's always nice for just the four of us to get together. This weekend my mom and her partner who are normally attached at the hip Friday through Sunday, were on the outs and my mom decided to busy herself with her girls and grandson. Though it kind of sucks when you think she only spends time with us when she doesn't feel like being bother with old girl, but nevertheless, free breakfast is always nice. We went to Denny's on Marina Blvd in San Leandro and that place brings back tons of memories and some familiar face. I spent a good four months of my senior year at SL working there as a hostess and for a first job, it wasn't all that bad. It did however conflict with my active social life and cheerleading schedule. The pay was decent, but I ultimately called it quits because senior year was coming to a close which meant all of the fun senior activities were approaching and I wasn't going to miss out all on account of a job. So spoiled, I know. Anywho, my old manager is still there and one of my co-workers who happened to also be sort of an enemy way back when and is also the sister of a former friend still works there. As you get older, it's funny how you look back and think "what was I thinking?" I remember being in my awkward stage and thinking that this former friend and her sister had it all and were so pretty. All of the boys liked them and they had nice clothes and lead lives I thought I wanted. NOT!!! Looking at them now, they were never that exciting and the audacity of the nickname they gave me and never told me what it meant until some after we were friends, "Sidewalk" and why? Because sidewalks are all cracked up and ugly, so I guess that's what they felt I looked like. Funny, you should see them now.

After breakfast, we all went to Target which was swarming with Holiday shoppers and just one big maze. We got what we needed and got the hell out. Even though I'm collecting from Unemployment, my mother so graciously paid for all of baby D's necessities that day even though I offered to pay her back. She says she'd much rather me save my money, if possible. Luckily, gas prices have gone down and I'm able to hold onto a few bucks. After Target we went to my sisters apartment in Hayward and hung for a bit. My sister and I had an engagement to attend later that night so we didn't stay long.

We got home and baby D and I took a much needed nap and that was nice. After the nap I got myself together and headed back out to San Leandro to attend my friends birthday gathering with at Ladies Night In theme and it was good fun. It was nice to be around new faces and have mature conversations. My sister enjoyed herself as well and I'm glad. I always tell her she needs to surround herself with interesting intelligent people. This friend of mine attended HNU with me and we've kept in touch, not to mention she also does my hair. She's closer to my sisters age but we mesh really well. She does my sisters hair too (through my hook up) and so we're all friends.

I got home from the gathering kind of late, but still managed to get enough sleep. Baby D and I had to be up and out of the house before noon on Sunday. I still had to purchase a second baby shower gift for one of my sorority sisters. I attended her first shower that she and her family arranged, but this second shower was a sorority bash and considering I'm not active and haven't kept in touch with too many of them, I wanted to make an appearance, and I'm glad I did. The pregnant sorority sister is the only one I truly and close with and considering she's having baby number three, we have lots in common and lots to talk about. She's having a second boy, and it's been six years since her first boy so I gladly offered her most of it not all of baby D's little baby clothes and she gladly accepted. I even gave her his infant car seat. As much as I was happy to help out, I was more overjoyed with getting rid of most of that stuff to free up space. I keep on going bags of stuff that baby D has outgrown for her and since I'm sure I won't see her until after the baby is born (she's due early Jan) I will get it to her when I pay her and the new baby a home visit.

The Sorority shower was nice and I met some sisters from the graduate chapter I had never met before. I made sure to introduce myself and stir a conversation since it is my intention to reactivate and join a grad chapter once I get myself established. I'm thinking Spring time but we'll see. Grad chapter is very different and you need to devote a lot more time which is hard when you're working full time (well, when I start working full time) not to mention juggling a job, a child, and a place in a grad chapter will be hard. Everyone is very professional and established and well, that's where I need to be. I'll get there.

My sister sat for baby D at her place and after spending an hour or so at her place, it was time for baby D and I to head home in the rain. I get very frustrated in the rain (heck, any type of weather) and though I'm mad at myself for it now, I took out some of that frustration on baby D. While I was trying to run across traffic holding all twenty-four pounds of baby D and his hoopla in the rain, baby D decides to spit out is pacifier and I was lit. Yes, it is my intention to be done with pacifiers within the next month, but I didn't appreciate him spitting it out, and I sure wasn't about to try to get it and get even more wet and uncomfortable than I already was. I got him home where my mother was his salvation. Pampering and doting on him. I definitely wasn't in the mood. After we both had our dinner (I ate mine he didn't of course) it was bed time. Of course, baby D wasn't ready for bed, but I was and it was after 8pm. Again, my mother came to his rescue and put him to bed for me. She put him in his crib which he stayed in until about 6am. Not too bad. My goal is to get him to sleep in his own bull full time, but it's a process. It's not his fault, it's mine. So much is going to change in 2009.

Overall, the weekend was good. JE wanted baby D and I to stop by on our way home yesterday, but after dodging cars in the rain and the whole pacifier incident, I changed my mind. He tried to find out why but I just let him know I was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk about. He called me just a few minutes ago and wanted to see if I wanted to stop by, but considering I'm already in my warm home, baby D has had his dinner and bath, I'm in no mood to gussy up and fuss with getting over there. Saturday I'm supposed to accompany him to his company's Christmas party aboard the Hornblower, but I had nothing to wear and hope I get another EDD check by Friday to be able to find something affordable. The attire for the party said formal, and my sister and friend say definitely a dress, while JE and my mother say Not, considering how cold it will be cruising the Bay. I'm not sure. I have some slacks and will probably find a nice enough top. This will be JE and I's first outing with his co-workers. Supposedly, he's told them so much about me and they've all be wondering when I'm going to come around (malarkey). I'm sure it will go well, I just hope JE doesn't get drunk and belligerent, I hate feeling like I'm only invited to be the designated driver.

Well, that's all for now. Baby D is standing too close to the TV as always and I need to back him up and let him tire himself to be in bed by 8:30p. I'm trying to get him on some sort of schedule. Children need schedules and guidelines, don't they?

--Me

Overdue

2008-12-12T20:32:00.000-08:00

Wow, so I've realized it's been two whole seasons since I've posted. For those who read (which I don't is more than a handful of people) you might have believed I was a bit sitcom that didn't get picked up for another season. Well trust me, plenty episodes were ordered, however, nothing made it to air. After the last post, which I believe was about losing my current temp job, there was plenty of tears and worry and finally what seemed like a change happened, only that change didn't stay long. I did finally get a job, an actual permanent one, only to be laid off three months in due to the economy and a fickle industry. Yes, I'm still unemployed, but very much looking for a new gig. I do however, get the luxury of collecting unemployment in the mean time (woohoo, not) and this time Baby D, who I've decided to start calling Big Boy (since he did turn 1 this summer, and is now a happy 17months and walking--and destructing everything in his path--) is staying home with me while I find a new gig.

JE and I are still together, can you believe it? I shouldn't put my foot in my mouth since we're on a weird week with our relationship. We'll see what happens? We've talked about marriage and expanding the family, but we also have discussed how important that happens later--much later--down the road. He's a cool dude. Big Boy and I spent a bit of Thanksgiving evening with him and his extended family who were in town from So. Cal and Mexico and looked surprised to see and my tater tot walk through the door, but it's natural. Whatev. No, JE still hasn't had the pleasure (yeah right) of meeting my father and step mom and falling victim to their criticisms behind my back. Yeah, no rush in having that happen.

I don't know why I decided to write today. I still check in on Esquire pretty much daily to see how she's doing, I think she'll be home for the Holidays soon and if so, Big Boy and I definitely need to see her this time around. The sentimental motherly side of me decided to have pictures taken with the tot for the Holidays to send out in Christmas cards and I'm glad we did. It took my mind off of dampering unemployed mood and I'm still trying to stay in good spirits. Unlike last year, I'll be able to make some sort of Christmas morning happen for Big Boy. Of course my parents are planning on indulging him, but I want to do something from me.

Speaking of parents, I finally went ahead and took the Child Support route. Yep, in October I went over the office, picked up the application, met with the facilitator and got the ball rolling. Thankfully, I had a lot of the information needed to locate Flash and though the facilitator stressed that the process would be long, I was surprised to get a noticed of my case being opened just a month later. Hopefully there will be something happening the first of the year. I have big plans for 2009.

A big part of those plans (in addition to getting a job, lol) is going back to school for my Masters. Yes, I am going to step up to the plate and take hold of my future and let my destiny be a positive one. All of this back and forth of having a job and not having a job has really opened my eyes to the realization that I can't keep wasting my time and losing focus of the bigger picture. If I really want to provide a good and stable life and environment for Big Boy, I need to start acting like it. I found out about a program with the Oakland Unified School District recruiting people from diverse backgrounds to make a commitment to teaching in the OUSD for a good amount of time. Teaching has always been a plan, but I've always lacked the confidence and push I needed to give myself to follow that journey. Holy Names, my alma mater, has an excellent M.Ed program that allows you to obtain a credential and Masters. I'm going to an information session next week to get more information, and next week I am going to buy the CBEST study guide and look into taking that exam and get the process going. So that's positive news.

Let's see what else, oooh, not much, I think that's about all for an update. This weekend is supposed to be fun. Tomorrow a good friend of mine is celebrating her 27th bday with a girls night in theme and I'm attending, and Sunday a sorority sister of mine is having a shower thrown by fellow sorority sisters and that should be fun as well. So yeah, I should be back to update hopefully before the year is over, or early in the new year.

xoxo

It's that Time Again ;(

2008-06-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

Today I got word from my supervisor that my assignment will be ending on June 20th. Sort of bummed (only because the money won't be coming in) but I'll recover. I called the agency I'm with and let them know and turns out there may be an opportunity coming up with them at the end of the month. I know some are probably thinking, "Why doesn't she just go and get a job?", well, there's more to it. It's not that simple. Nothing is really simple for me.

I began my initial work search back in October 2007 when Baby D was three months old. I had given myself the same time most mothers have off before they return to work. I had a couple of interviews that went nowhere and while some interviews seemed promising, it was my credit that got the best of me (applying for finance/banking jobs). Yes, I have BAD credit. Many are surprised considering I worked in banking for so long. Well, I put a lot of things to the back burner, and my credit was included. I used to pay bills on time or even ahead of time from maybe age 18-19, but then I got greedy and although I charged things, I didn't want to pay it back...at least not right away. I don't want to place any blame since we are all essentially accountable for ourselves in the end, but I let bad guidance get in my head and thus got to a point where I just stopped paying things. Now however, I'm paying for it...BIG TIME. I mean, we can't run forever. I've been working with creditors to get payments on defaulted credit cards started again, and will eventually get to those school loans. I had hoped to have a steady job by now and be paying bills off to better prepare me for when Baby D and I get our own place-- if that's possible. My credit score/history was a big part of why I hadn't landed those banking jobs. When I applied and later interviewed, I had no idea it was a factor. Considering I hade nearly six years of banking experience, I just knew I'd get something on merrit. Not so. A few years back employers began incorporating credit scores in addition to background screening with their qualifications. Though it sucks for me, it makes sense in the banking/finance industry. I didn't think I wanted to go back into banking after leaving WAMU, but considering I had no other work experience and banking was my life, I had no alternative...so I thought. Anywho, that's how I ended up working with temp agencies.

My assignment that I'm on now as well as the one before it, have nothing to do with banking or cash handling. Kind of a relief, but also sucks because that is what I am most familiar with. I wanted to give administrative positions a go because I wanted something cushy and not too high stressed. Looks like I got way more than I bargained for. The jobs have been fairly easy and ultra cush, but it's the worrying about the next assignment that brings on the high stress.

I've decided to go back to looking for long term assignments without being a temp (unless they are definate temp-to-hire positions). I can't be a temp forever, and considering I'll be taken off of my mothers benefits at the end of '08, I need to find something with benefits and stability. Thankfully, there seems to be a lot more positions out there then there were just a few months back when I was finished with the first assignment (see most of April posts) and I'm sure the new demand is because of all of the recent college grads looking to make the transition. I wish this applied to me but because I still do not know where I stand with one--yes one-- class in order to officially complete my degree, I'm not in the same boat with the others. I get pretty discouraged when I read through job descriptions and see all of the qualifications that do not apply to me and then when I see qualifications that I do meet (and sometimes more than the minimum) it's the requirement of a Degree (even an AA) that knocks me out of the running.

I'm thankful that I had this position and it took me out of my rut for a good month and more. I'm glad Baby D and I had money coming in so I could support him. I'm just mad at myself for not finding job stability at this point in my life. I am still planning on heading to court with Flash this summer and I need to have my bases covered too. No sense in trying to prove that the father of your child hasn't been supporting the child and needs to if you can't prove you're doing that much better of a job. I know, I am do FAR more than Flash in regards to raising Baby D and providing for his needs. I just worry and like I said, I get down on myself too.

I don't want to be all emotional and depressed the last go 'round and I definitely do not want to be the wreck that I was around Christmas time when I couldn't give Baby D the Christmas I wanted. No! I will not spend the next six months down and out. I've considered getting a retail job for the day and because it doesn't pay nearly as much as these temp jobs, getting a second retail job to cover the difference. Sacrifice...it ain't easy, but Baby D is worth it and deserves it.

I'm sure the temp agency will find me something but how long will it last? I don't want to be dependant on those jobs only for them to run out and me run out of money. I'm also relying heavily on the stimulus refunds from taxes. I wanted to invest in an inexpensive (though $200+ is not inexpensive really) camcorder to have for Baby D's first birthday and start capturing the memories, but I'm obviously going to have to hold off. My dad has one and he said we can charge it up for the birthday party.

Speaking of the birthday party, this weekend I am going to place the order and pay for the cake while I have the money. I may have to just do one cake for the party instead of two cakes like I originally wanted. I still have to get a lot of the decor (just streamers and a balloon maker) and then I have to come up with the money for the favors and party bags which I am not going to break myself over, and these purchases will just happen over time. I know my mom will offer to help me out but I really wanted to do it all myself for Baby D since I couldn't give him a big Christmas. My gift to Baby D is Disneyland but I'll have to make sure he has a present or two from me to open at the party as well as something to open on his actual bday two days before the party. And on top of that he has to have that first hair cut. So much to do, so little money to do it with. Lol. Story of my life---wait, I want this story to change and it will.

Stay tuned.

Weekend Review

2008-06-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

Another Monday greets us, which means another weekend has come (sigh) and gone. Though I would've liked to have more free time this weekend, I feel refreshed. Aside from having some peculiar dreams the last few nights, all is well and I'm content with where I am right now. No, I haven't landed that dream job (not sure what my idea of a dream job is at this point, but anything permanent with benefits is ideal right about now) but I am starting to use my time and money wisely, at least I think so.

Friday evening kicked the weekend off right. Baby D and I spent time with Esquire and Co. and though it's always good seeing Esquire and her family, I just wish it were under better circumstances. Esquire was to present the annual memorial scholarship in her sisters honor to a deserving 2008 grad. Esquire got through it well (like I knew she would) and though it's a tough duty, she does it with love and grace. After the ceremony (or when we left) we all headed over to El Torrito, one of my favorite spots by the way. We enjoyed good food and good conversation aside from a rude and some what not there waitress. We made the best of it and didn't let rudeness get in our way. Baby D behaved himself...well sort of. No, no, he wasn't so bad, just very loud and of course all eyes were on him. This isn't something new for him, he's just getting older and needs more stimulation. I wasn't embarrassed, but did try to shush him as often, but that did nothing. Everyone else seemed sort of entertained. I'm just really into food so when I'm out eating the last thing I want is distractions, but with kids it's a given so I'm out of luck on that one.

After dinner we parted ways and I expected that to be the last I saw of Esquire until she made it back to town for the Fourth of July weekend (Baby D's birthday weekend). Baby D and I headed home and crashed. Saturday we woke up and toward the later part of the morning got ready to run our errands. My sister tagged along but seemed to be rushing me in the morning. I had invited her only to get her out of the house, but she behaved as if she had something she had to do and that she were doing me a favor my gracing us with her presence. I was prepared to tell her if she had plans not to worry about hanging with us. Baby D and I know how to get around on our own. We manage just fine. Anywho, I picked up my sis and we headed to Target in Hayward and got all of Baby D's necessities and thankfully we came right on budget. As we were being checked out I heard my name being called and to my surprise it was Esquire and her mom. I was surprised and it was nice to see them. Esquire was leaving later that evening so it was nice to get to see her twice. We hugged and once again parted ways. Part of me sort of wished that Esquire and her mom were hanging with Baby D and I. My sis gets grouchy and puts a damper on the day. Perfect example of this behavior came when we were leaving Target and I mentioned I was starving and we should look to find something to eat. She had mentioned earlier on the phone that she had eaten, so I didn't think she was hungry. I mentioned I wanted Kaspers and she said she didn't. Then I asked what did she feel like eating, and she had to point out that she only had so much money and asked if I were treating-- now don't get me wrong, if I had money to splurge, I would. If anyone should know my financial situation better than me, it should be my sister, but she doesn't pay attention or either thinks I'm lying, and trust me, I'm not. I said that if she used her amount of money towards her meal I could handle the difference (keep in mind I just finished Baby D's shopping and still had to put gas in my car and have funds to get me through the next pay day, which isn't a lot) she got all snappy and pissy and didn't want to eat anymore because she didn't want to use her money towards her meal. She wanted me to cover the whole thing. Granted, my sis has covered and treated for me on many occasions but let me add that most of the time it is her idea to eat and she likes to do so when I do not have money and so in order to have me eat with her she offers to pay because she does not want to eat alone. I have covered for her and treated many times but that day I hadn't budgeted to be feeding her. Since she got all pissy, I felt bad but kept thinking the nerve she had to not want to use her money toward helping. And then, she didn't even want what I had suggested. I've learned that when someone is treating you it's already a treat and you need to go with whatever they're having or you don't eat. I guess my sister expected some type of lunch at a restaurant where we'd go in and sit and such, that was definitely not in my budget this weekend.

After picking her nerves she confessed that she was irritated by my asking her to chip in (interesting) and so then I said well I can make it work (break myself) and pay for her meal, but it would be Kaspers because that was what I wanted originally. She agreed. But before we got lunch we went to Party City to get an idea for things for Baby D's bash next month and Party City had a lot of things on sale, so because I didn't want to miss out later, I just bought table cloths for now and will return when I have more funds to allocate toward the party. After Party City we went to Michaels to look for little bottles of bubbles that I am incorporating into a party favor and thankfully they had them. Those were on sale too and I snatched those up too. After Michaels we walked over to Lucky's across the street to check out the cakes and it must have been fate because as we were looking through the cake book, a cake decorator was putting the final touches on a graduation cake and I liked it. It had Baby D's party color scheme with balloons and everything I wanted. A couple of posts back I mentioned wanting to splurge on his cake, but I have since recanted and decided to find a more affordable but still delicious cake in order to have more money toward the Disneyland and San Diego trip as well as invest in a camcorder to start capturing the memories for Baby D on film. Anywho, I snapped a photo of this cake that will be slightly altered and then chatted with the cake decorator and this weekend I'll be going back to place an order. I am still going to get a photo cake for Baby D but it'll be much smaller but also give guests a variety, especially for picky eaters like me.

After Lucky's we finally grabbed lunch then headed back to my sisters apartment to devour our turkey cheese dogs (yum) and then watched a bit of the Bachelor marathon on Vh1. Friday I had asked my dad and stepmom if they wouldn't mind sitting for Baby D Saturday night and of course they were in. My stepmom is crazy about Baby D. Baby D and I lounged around my sisters until he was due at my Dads. JE (formerly known as Dreamy) and I had planned to have a date. We haven't had one since Mothers Day weekend but had seen each other in between. I dropped Baby D off at my Dads and hooked up with JE who didn't want to go to the movies like we had planned, but was open to taking me to dinner, lol. He was going to suggest our normal place, Red Robin in Newark, but I told him I wanted El Torrito instead even though I had just been there the night before. JE was in for it and we set off to the Marina. Once again we had interesting service. JE, who speaks fluent Espanol, greeted our Latino waiter in Spanish and ordered his drink in Spanish and when it came to me, who is nowhere near fluent in Spanish, I ordered in English. After we got our drinks the waiter came back to get our order and the waiter asked JE for his order first (which is perfectly normal) but when it came to me, he barely looked at me when I was talking (I hate that). After the orders were taken he went off. I didn't say anything to JE about it because I wasn't sure if he had noticed. It wasn't until later after my food had arrived when the waiter came back to check if everything was okay and didn't even ask me (the only one eating, JE didn't eat anything but the chips and his drink--he had eaten earlier) he asked JE and once again made no eye contact with me. JE noticed that then and I mentioned that it wasn't the first time he neglected to acknowledge me. JE and I shook it off and I went back to enjoying my fajitas. The waiter came by again and when I asked for extra napkins he seemed pretty annoyed with me. What had I done? I thought. JE noticed it too. JE and I soon wondered if this waiter were being weird towards me because JE and I were an interracial couple or because not only were we an interracial couple but that I was black? Hmmm? This wasn't the first time JE and I had experienced people being weird to us but I have noticed in my year with him that we get a lot of the stares and glares from people from the Latino community. Interesting huh? I don't get it. For all people know we could be friends and even we weren't just friends what business is it of theirs?

Dinner came to an end and JE asked me what should he tip the waiter, I looked at him like he shouldn't have asked me that. JE tipped him four dollars which I thought was okay, but any more than that and I may have countered. After dinner we talked about it as we drove back to his house. This wasn't the first time JE had experienced this. He dated another black girl before and said even one of his aunts raised concern and mentioned it to his mom who saw no problem with it (read a few posts back, this chic was the mom favorite and still is, lol). I've dated interracially before JE but never seemed to notice stares or glares when I was out with them, but when I began dating another black guy and told them I had dated outside of my race before they made funny faces like I had done something nasty. One time Flash said it was sort of a turn off that I had been with a white guy before. I didn't understand one. Flash really only dates girls of mixed races so how can he be opposed to interracial dating? Oxymoron. One time when I called him on it, he said and I quote, "I like mixed girls, but I don't want mixed children," he also said the same thing about light skinned people, "I like light skinned girls, but I don't want light skinned kids," Too funny that Flash. I guess he kicked himself in the butt when he saw Baby D who he's secretly hoping will "blacken" up-- like I'm not black enough because I'm light skinned. Wow. People really do have issues. I'm not sure what kind of issues that waiter had, but JE tried to get me not to think of it and joked by saying perhaps it wasn't a race thing at all but instead perhaps the waiter was really into JE. Always the comedian my JE. I appreciated his comedic spin on things, but I know what I know. Don't get wrong, it doesn't get me down and make me question my relationship, but it just makes me a little sick to think that people are still turning their noses up. It's 2008 for crying out loud. Everything and everyone is different these days. Different isn't so bad. People turn their noses up at what they don't understand and that's how people start to hate.

Anywho, JE and I spent the rest of the evening just hanging out and enjoying each others company until the next time. Sunday JE called me quite a few times just to make small talk because he said he missed me. Cute. I'm not sure when we'll be getting together again. Now that I'm finished with school (I hope) and do not have class after work, I'll be relieving my mom of Baby D Duty. My mom is going through menopause right now and had an episode where she was losing a lot of blood and thus is extremely anemic. She was feeling short of breath a lot and tired. Thankfully she went to the doctor who gave her some iron pills and confirmed it was all because of menopause and getting older, and that she ought to cut back on her smoking (but she doesn't think, stubborn). Because of all of this I don't feel as comfortable leaving Baby D with my mom for longer than he needs to be. If something were to happen to my mom while Baby D were in her care I'd be scared for the both of them. My mom is really all I have and if something happened to her, I don't know where I'd be or go. She's getting better now that she's taking her iron pills but she still smokes and wont let up. Can't make her. I hope that Baby D getting older and being a part of that will encourage her to cut back. She's only 51 but my grandmother (her mom) left us at 65. She had breast cancer and because it runs in our family, my mom should be taking the proper precautions not to let anything speed up her life. My mom assures me she's fine and fine enough to still spend a lot of time alone with Baby D, but I feel better when I'm there. Sunday, the three of us just hung out at home. I spent most of my time trying to play the Sims on the computer while keeping an eye on Baby D who had his toys and such spread out on the living room floor and he was quite the busy bee getting into everything. He's so mobile these days even though he's not walking. He has a sort of crawl and slide thing going on and it's super cute. Hey, whatever feels good to him and lets him get around is good with me.

Alright then, I have been blogging for a while now and though I'm at work with nothing to do, I better get to looking like I'm busy, lol. Have a great Monday!

Memory is Sweet

2008-06-05T09:40:00.001-07:00

Ever since I can remember, I've been very imaginative. As a child, it was just my mother and I before my older sister came to live with us again in Southern California. I was very much into Barbie and creating a world for Barbie that was very real. I remember one of the families I had consisted of a widowed father raising his pre-teen daughter but planning to remarry a Latina who later gave him a new baby and together they worked on blending their family to be a cohesive unit. They had all sorts of problems from working on the stepmother and pre-teen learning to get along as the pre-teen struggled with the loss of her mother and then gaining a new one and later a sibling and still trying to keep in favor of her father. Yeah, pretty heavy stuff for a child to think of. I remember when I was twelve going on thirteen I was still very much into Barbie and swore that I wouldn't stop playing because I was getting older and it was expected of me. Girls at my age were doing things that I just didn't see myself doing or even wanting to do. They were growing up way too fast and I didn't want to. Eventually, I gave up Barbies because I began conforming to what the girls were doing due to peer pressure. I never participated in these odd extra curricular activities while still in middle school, but by my freshman year of high school, I believed I was ready to do these things other girls were doing, problem was I was too far behind them and needed to catch up. I caught up by sophomore year and by the time I entered junior year, I thought I was indeed on the same level with these girls. By then end of junior year I realized I was above all that and wanted to do something else. I wanted to break away from the pack and make new friends who had different interests. Not necessarily my interests but just the fact that their interests weren't sleeping with boys, getting on birth control and bad mouthing classmates was good enough for me. Hence, I became a cheerleader.

Everyone thought it was totally out of the blue for me. My "friends" then couldn't understand where that desire came from. I did. Back in the eighth grade I had participated in the try out workshops for the San Leandro Crusaders, and almost went through with it until I learned that you'd have to audition alone and in front of a bunch of people. Later in ninth grade, I was going to try out for the San Leandro High cheerleaders and was going along with that until one of the girls made a comment that I was too stiff and though the coach never said it was a problem that couldn't be worked on, I dropped out anyway--not to mention I knew my mother couldn't afford it anyway. I knew it was my last chance to chase a dream at the end of Junior year when tryouts came up again. That year try outs were for either cheerleading or dance squad. I started to audition for both, trying to get the choreography and cheers down for both, but found it hard to juggle both, so I persued cheerleading and I was glad I had. There, I did indeed make new friends. Some of them I wouldn't really call friends, but I learned about them from their not so friendly ways. But a good majority of the girls were friendly and there was one girl in particular I really bonded with. This girl was only a grade below me but in all the time I had been going to SL I had never talked to her before cheerleading. I remember seeing her at the try outs for SL when I went out for it in the ninth grade and I had seen her around school and knew she worked at a local ice cream shop and I always heard about how nice she was but still I had never really talked to her. I caught the bus with her sister back when I was in the tenth grade and this sister was a grade higher and we both had A period. I didn't even know they were sisters until one of those early mornings the sisters were on the bus together. I don't even remember how this friend and I got so close. It wasn't at camp where we got so close so it must've just been over time at practices just having conversations. I remember I was one of the only cheerleaders driving thus, I was always giving people rides and of course I gave this friend rides. I remember there was one time I was to pick her up for a game but she told me that her mother had to meet me just because she wanted to make sure she knew who she'd be riding in cars with. I remember thinking that was so odd because I had never had any other persons mom do that, but after meeting her mother I didn't think it so odd but quite responsible actually and from then on whenever she was riding in a car with me I made sure she let her mother know and after a while her mother just told her to go ahead if she were to be out with me. I remember her dad was super nice too and though this friend didn't think so, he was super funny. One night we were riding back from a competition way out in Merced. We had stopped at a McDonalds and as I got my money ready, they refused to let me pay. In the car ride, her dad started playing Will Smith's "Get Jiggy With it" and she was super embarrassed. I thought it was funny. My dad's such a stiff and what he thinks is funny is really rude and so I liked that her dad had a sense of humor.

This friend and I soon were inseparable around school and if someone saw me, they saw her and vice versa. Of course, we still had our other friends but we spent a lot of time hanging out. I remember the first time I slept over her house, I was still kind of afraid of dogs and she let me sleep on her top bunk because I was afraid of the families harmless dog. Some people (people who considered themselves her friends) would pick on her and cause unnecessary conflict. This friend would get very sad and I was there for her when she cried and consoled her and tried to tell her she had to start realizing who her friends were, but as much as I told her, she still considered those people friends and still they went on picking on her or ganging up on her. I found it depressing and it began to make me distance myself. There was one occasion where this friend had come into the cafeteria as usual in the morning and she was with her "best" friend (one of the people who would some times pick on her or put her down) and I spoke to the both of them and they acted like I shouldn't have bothered and they didn't really feel like talking to me. So began to drift. This friend and I spent a good month or more not talking, trying not to look at each other when we saw the other coming, and definitely not to bring the other up in conversation. I figured we weren't as good friends as I had thought and I thought maybe she was happier with "those" friends who were always on her back because they were jealous and unhappy with themselves. I wasn't interested in associating with those types of people, but I did miss her. All of this occurred in senior year and before the year was over, out of nowhere in first period I decided to write a heart felt letter to this friend. I remember I told her how much I missed our friendship and how I didn't understand what had happened between us. It was a long letter but everything in the letter was true and real. I remember finding her in the hall as people headed to their second periods and when I gave it to her I just told her to read it. By lunch time she had found me and handed me a letter. I read the letter and was relieved that she missed me too and wanted us to be friends again. I found her at lunch and we hugged and agreed to talk later. We did. I don't remember much after that. Senior activities started up and finally the year came to a close. I remember though at senior recognition assembly I saw her after and she was hugging one of "those" friends and bawling crying and I kind of didn't understand and I know it's dumb but sort of felt like wow, she didn't cry like that for me, but she and that friend had been tight since her freshman year so it's not my business to understand.

That summer we didn't really talk much though we said we would. She was busy with cheer and dance and getting ready for her own senior year and I was busy making the transition and taken up my old interest in boys and all that entails. I got a call from her out of the blue close to the end of the summer. She told me her mother had a picture of the two of us from spirit week and that she wanted me to have it. Of course I hurried over but as I drove up I remember feeling a bit out of place. I hadn't been there in so long and since we hadn't really talked much, it was kind of awkward. I remember as I got out of the car she was coming out of the house to greet me. We stood there for a second and she gave me the picture. I asked her about her summer and senior portraits and she told me it was going well and that she'd give me a portrait (I never got one) and then she asked me about my summer and how plans were going for junior college. We parted with promises to keep in touch, but of course we didn't. I started junior college and she started senior year. I also started working at a bank and we had a friend in common who was my co-worker. One time, she came in with my co-worker on my co-workers day off and it was nice to see her. I was obviously more excited than she was. I could tell the co-worker probably had to beg her to come in and see me because she looked like she didn't really want to be there. I remember feeling put off by her but she was still friendly and I of course was too and just called it what it was.

Her senior year went by and I heard about her through the co-worker who was still in school with her. This co-worker and I became tight being that we had this friend in common. I heard about where she was going to school, who she was dating and still hanging out with, where she was working, all of that. She graduated and then that summer came and went and we still hadn't talked. I remember I sent her an email but don't think it was ever answered. Soon, her 18th birthday approached and I knew she was in college and since I still had her number I called her up to wish her a Happy Birthday, but she didn't seem pleased with my call or even interested in carrying on a conversation. Still, I said my peace and was friendly and after the call ended, I told myself to let it go. I said, friendship is a two way street and I can't do it alone. I didn't hear about her anymore from this co-worker because they too had drifted after their graduations.

One night in June I was called by a former school mate and told that this friend had died. I sat straight up and accused this caller of having false information and starting a sick joke. He assured me it was no joke and to prove so I should call my co-worker who could confirm it. I wasted no time in dialing her up regardless of the time and surely she confirmed that it was true. I felt sick and felt even more sick when I learned of how she died. I couldn't go back to sleep. I remember I didn't have her number in my new cell phone but found it and because a part of me still didn't believe it later in the day I called and heard her sisters voice on the voicemail message and couldn't believe it. Before I was due to work, I drove by her parents place and still couldn't believe it. It was all the more confirmed when I read a local newspaper article about the incident. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe. I couldn't...

I called her sister to see about coming by the house and felt so low when her sister didn't even know who I was until I said my last name and told her I was a friend. I later understood that she was probably receiving a lot of calls and couldn't keep up with names and such, she had a lot more to deal with. I went by the house and it was crazy going there on those circumstances. I had a flash back of hanging out there with this friend and now her house was filled with more people than I had ever seen the house filled with. Her sister greeted me with a hug and when her mom saw me and came over I nearly broke down inside when she hugged me and said, "Long time no see," I felt so bad. It had been so long, way too long. The mother and sister gave me the info on the service and then I left to let them be with family.

The service came and me always being an early bird then, was among the first to arrive. I remember having an out of body experience as I entered the chapel where all of her pictures were on display. It was all too surreal. I may had not spoken to her since her birthday, but it didn't seem so long ago. It all seemed so wrong and out of place. My heart left my body when the family walked in for the service and I couldn't cry on the outside as I listened to her sister, family and friends speak about her. After at the repass I talked with people who seemed to be very much apart of her life and I felt like an outsider because I hadn't been. Still, I hadn't cried yet. After I left the repass, I went to an early dinner with a friend I had reconnected with and her mother and we spoke about everything, they kept watching me for my reaction. Later, I went home but first showed my mom the memorial. My mom had liked this friend too and knew how close we had gotten. I went to my room where I started putting together this keepsake box of photos I had of her, newspaper clippings and such. After a few minutes my mother came to see me and she wrapped her arms around me and finally I broke. I couldn't stop crying. I cried for a good while. I told my mom how I felt so guilty because I hadn't spoken to her in so long and didn't really even know if she even considered me a friend. The co-worker had told me that friends had found out because they were called because their numbers were in her cell phone. The co-worker actually learned through another friend because she and I weren't in her cell phone phonebook. I felt horrible. I thought that because I wasn't in her phone, she didn't consider me a friend. It hurt me to know that before she passed she may not have considered me a friend or someone even important in her life.

Now, five years later, I have come to terms that we may not have been on speaking terms then and our once close friendship had fizzled, but I know that at the time we were tight, we were like sisters and best-friends wrapped into one and how she felt about me then is what I have to hold onto. I stopped beating myself up about not keeping in touch when we both had so many different things going on in our lives. What's important is that I was lucky to have known her and befriend her at a very important time in my life and that was the refreshing dose of change that I needed. I hold onto that. I learned a lot from her though she probably didn't know she was teaching me anything.

I wrote all of this because the anniversary of her passing is coming up near the end of this month and I never forget nor am I all that pleasant that day either. Tomorrow Baby D and I will be meeting up with her family for their annual memorial scholarship that began in her honor the first year and has still been going. Her sister and I have become very close and I am glad that we did. I remember finding her through blogging because a friend of hers had a post about this friend and so I contacted her to tell her I had read it and so she put me in touch with her sister and we've been reading each others blogs and keeping up with each other ever since. I call her "this friend" because she was no doubt one of the most important and influential people in my life and because of that experience I've learned this...

Life is too short to do what others want you to do or be what others want you to be. speak up for yourself and let no one think they can get over on you for their own validation. be and like who you are because what you don't know is someone thinks you're absolutely fabulous even if you think people don't like you. people don't like or hate what they don't understand so let them fear you, it's their problem not yours. celebrate each day because tomorrow isn't for certain.

Purple was her favorite color by the way. CMM 10.10.84-6.26.03 "Smile for me Always", yes, Memory is Sweet.

First

2008-06-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

It's June already, and today Baby D is officially eleven months old. As exciting as it is, it also is a big reminder of how far we've come and how much more we have to get through as a family. The next big to do is of course his first birthday. My mom thinks that I shouldn't stress over it or worry too much with the details because Baby D is so young and wont really remember, but I feel that if I can give him a big sha-bang then why not? Besides, I'll be the one remembering for him until he starts to form his own. My father and step mother have agreed to let me host the party at their home in the Oakland hills very close to the zoo (they already bought Baby D season passes, lol) and they've also said that their contribution in addition to the location will be the food, which means that I'll only have to worry about the cake and the decor. The cake and decor are a BIG factor. I know Baby D probably wont get that the whole party is for him, but it's important to me to have something nice for him since I wasn't able to do Christmas big for him like I had hoped.

Most parties for kiddies have themes and honestly, I'm not a theme sort of person. Baby D doesn't have a favorite character yet (at least he can't tell me so) and as much as he likes Little Bill (the show by Bill Cosby) I don't think I can find that character decor because the show is rather old and is syndicated primarily on the Noggin channel and I'm sure if I researched harder I could, but I kind of don't want to. I know it's not my party, but maybe next year we'll have a character theme. Anywho, because I'm not into themes, I am however very much into color schemes. My baby shower was a green scheme and I admit I did find a baby pea in the pod theme but it was subtle and not too over the top. The only things that had the character were my cake, invites, and favors--not too bad. Anyway, for Baby D I am thinking of doing two different blues and an orange. I saw this arrangment somewhere and fell in love with it. The actual party is on the Saturday right after the fourth of July and I definitely do not want a patriotic/American flag theme. So yeah, I think I might go with the blues and orange theme unless I find something different.

Now the cake is where I really want to go all out. My little sister graduated high school this weekend and her mother threw her a beautiful carribean themed party in their backyard in Vallejo. Aside from my little sisters apparent ungracious attitude, the party was nice. My stepmother's sister who works at the Claremont had the executive pastry chef there create a beautiful two tiered rum cake that you would have thought was a wedding cake. Yeah, being that my little sister is her mothers only child, you'd expect the best. I plan on spoiling Baby D but to an extent. My little sister, as much as I love her, is spoiled without a limit. This girl barely graduated from a private school (she's been in private school since grade K) and though I didn't (but I didn't go to a private school either and have a smaller school and more hands on teachers who were paid to care, lol) isn't even going to a four year institution (as her mother had expected and hoped) but still had this big to do. I understand that parents can parent however they see fit (because Lord knows I do) and it isn't my decision on how someone else's child should be disciplined or rewarded, but there's more to the issue and a lot of it of course involves my Dad who has treated the three of us very differently, seeming to favor (or at least spoil with guilt) my little sister. But that's a different post entirely. Now back to the cake. For Baby D I have been researching cake designers and have found a few that I want to call up and get an estimate for. There is one lady in Burlingame who makes a beautiful cakes and the children themed cakes are just so special. I found a design that I like best from her and plan on calling her this week to get an estimate and see what I can afford. Lol, most of the expenses for Baby D's party are coming out of my tax return that I am due to receive close to the end of this month. I'm not expecting to get rich, but I am expecting to use a lot it toward Baby D and the family reunion in San Diego this summer. Baby D's big present from me is Disneyland. We're diverting from the family reunion the week we're going to be there and taking Baby D and my cousin in Texas' little girl Z (code name) who will be two. I haven't been to Disneyland since 2003 when my little sis was still cheerleading (following in mine and her mothers footsteps) and had a competition there. I know Baby D is far too young to enjoy Space Mountain and so forth, but I hear from a friend of mine who has a little boy that there is quite a lot for babies to enjoy there now. I really just want to get Baby D one of those Mickey hats with the ears and his name stitched on the back.

Okay, I'm diverting from the subject--sort of. So I've got the cake in mind and decor in mind, but the bigger part of the party that is leaving me a bit frazzled is the invites. I don't have a lot of friends with kids (at least Baby D's age) to invite and one of my cousins and his girlfriend just welcomed their first daughter together (2 months) and I have to make sure they get an invite because I just love that pretty little baby who I just met this weekend. Esquire is planning to come up for the party and I am so happy about that. It's important that Baby D and Esquire have a bond being that she is his one of his God-Mothers, and who knows, maybe he'll be inspired to be a fellow Legal Eagle and may want to go to college (Lord willing) in So. Cal too and it'll be nice to have someone to talk to and of course eat up all of their food when invited over, ha. If there's anyone that I'd like for Baby D to be inspired by and have a good relationship with to guide him through life aside from me is no doubt Esquire. I'm getting emotional thinking about.

Yes, back to the invites. The party of course will be mostly family and friends of both sets of my parents. These friends have been supportive and encouraging toward me and Baby D and it's really be nice. Not to mention, everyone can't get enough of Baby D, and I'm so pleased that Baby D is such a well mannered baby (thus far) and people actually WANT to be in his presence. Aside from my family, there's the matter of Baby D's paternal side. Flash and I haven't spoken since late April and his family hasn't seen Baby D since February. I told Flash to leave us alone the last time I asked him for help and he decided to change his mind and so I simply told him if he wasn't going to make an effort to assist in all of the responsibilities that come with being a parent then it's best that he not worry or stress me out. It's never been my intention to exclude Flash and keep him out of Baby D's life, but I'll be damned if Flash thinks he can be a pop-up show boat father who only wants to bother with his son when he feels like it. No, no. I can not be an per diem mother and nor can he be that type of father. Flash as so far respected my wishes and hasn't made contact, but on Mother's Day felt the need to send me a text message with well wishes. As nice as it may see to some, I know Flash, and know that were hidden intentions behind that message. He thought I'd reply and then we'd be able to communicate and he could go back to his careless fatherly ways. Let's just say that I made no reply and I hope he doesn't expect the same this coming Father's Day. Last year (before Baby D was born) I asked Flash if he'd be spending time with his daughter for Fathers Day and he told me he didn't celebrate. I hope just because he has a son now that he plans to start celebrating. That's wrong that he hasn't tried to celebrate with his daughter in the past but now wants to celebrate with his son. Anyway, even if he did celebrate, he wasn't going to have Baby D for the day or any day. The most time Flash as spent alone with Baby D is five maybe ten minutes. That's probably only happened a handful of times. I don't trust Flash with Baby D and I don't care that he's his father. Flash has exhibited that he has no idea how to handle a baby and crying is not something he's equipped to deal with. So, maybe in the next few years he can have alone time with Baby D, but as for now, I don't think so. Of course that may very well change after we go to court. Filing the paperwork is another venture I plan on handling this summer. After we return from our Family Reunion, I plan on filing the paperwork and getting the ball rolling. Hopefully by summers end there will be some resolve and even a visitation order involved. Child support and who has what type of custody is definitely priority. Like I said in a previous post, I want sole custody, but am willing to consider joint after Flash makes a complete turn around. Not to mention he'd have to prove himself to the mediator (as do I) of his capability to be responsible. We'll see how it goes.

In addition to worrying about whether or not to invite Flash to the party, I'm not sure if I plan on inviting Flash's mother. I would like his daughter A8 (her code name) to be there, but I also mentioned in a previous post that her mother also had a baby last summer who's birthday is three days after Baby D's and so they might be celebrating that same weekend. The only way I could get A8 there anyway is through Flash's mother (who told me the last time we spoke that she may be in Hawaii that weekend) or his sister (who I don't really know that well). We'll see. I'm not going to fret over it. If anybody on that side of the family should be there, it's Flash and everyone else can either follow suit or not. Even with an invite, Flash may or may not attend and if he does, he'll be extremely late and empty handed. I'm not expecting everyone to shell out for Baby D's gifts, but if anyone HAS to bring a gift, it's Flash. The man hasn't bought anything else Baby D's whole first year. Whatever.

As far as presents go, I'm not sweating it. If anything, I'd really like to see friends and family get together simply to celebrate Baby D and his first year. My mother is planning on buying Baby D a classic red wagon for pulling him along in the parks and such. I don't know what my dad and stepmom have planned. My dad doesn't like to be out done, so we'll see. My stepmother like me is practical and knows that necessities like clothes, under clothes and pajammas are important. Toys and stuff? I'd rather him have educational things. I really like all of the bilingual things, though I get teased for it, but I think it's important for children to learn young that we live in a world where we all contribute something different and exposed to different cultures and such. That way, when they're older, they open to the ideas that people weren't open to in the fifties. Another reason why I really like living in Alameda (though it's kind of like any other city) aside from the good schools is the diversity. I don't know if Baby D and I will be able to afford living in Alameda when it comes time for us to leave my mothers place, but I want him to meet different types of people and not be afraid to get to know someone simply because you don't know much about them. That's what hate is all about. At his day care the children are of all different races and I think that's great. All of the kids love Baby D (he's the youngest) and he seems to already be crushing on one little girl--two years older than him at that-- who was adopted from China. My dad and stepmom may be closed minded about interracial dating and blending--even with their friends, but I'm not. JE isn't the first guy I've dated out of my race, and depending on where our relationship/friendship goes, he may not be the last. Some have it confused (my Dad really) and I think because I am not dating a Black man now I may never again, and they have it wrong. Flash did not scar me or leave me scared to get involved with another Black man. I love Black men as mush as I love any other race of man. What I love is a man who will treat me right and respect me. I'm not saying Black men don't respect me or have never treated me right, but right now I am with a man who is not Black but does treat me the way I want to be treated (at least lately, j/k) and I'm enjoying him and not what he is. Baby D has been exposed to my relationship with JE and though he's still a baby and doesn't understand it, perhaps he will in the coming years if JE and I are still together.

Geez, where have I gone with this post. I started talking about Baby D and his birthday and have gone off defending interracial love and my own. Maybe this is a good place to end. Esquire is due in town this week but it's a quick visit and it's more of a dutied visit than a relaxing one. I know she's got a lot on her plate already and I know she will get through this visit well. Baby D and I are of course planning to see her and her family this week, but it's always nicer to see good friends on better circumstances. I love you Esquire and think about you and all that you have going on all the time and you're such an inspiration and I hate that I complain so much but you're always so sweet and such real and true things to get my spirits back up. Take care of you as you do so very well.

Signing Out.

Stamp Your Approval on This!

2008-05-30T13:14:00.001-07:00

Words. I love them. Just the idea that there are so many words and a lot of words I still need to learn, but just that they are what they are is a beautiful thing. Call me odd if you will, but there is such beauty in finding a blank page to fill with words. I love writing, and though I hardly finish anything I write (short stories or fiction) I love the art. Yes, I consider writing to be an art. Some people can do it while some do it very well.

I have a ton of favorite writers, too many to list (well, I could list them but don't feel like it) but one of which is Rebecca Walker, daughter of the esteemed Alice Walker. Anywho, some years back I was leisurly reading "Black, White, and Jewish" by Rebecca Walker and couldn't put the book down. It's her autobiography about growing up--well, the title gives it away, in addition to highlighting her life as the daughter of a famous and favored feminist, as well as her relationships with friends and family, and also her discovering she was a lesbian. The book was great. I borrowed it from the San Leandro Library, and as I type this I am just thinking how I'd like to go out and buy it.

Anywho, I bring Rebecca Walker up because I stumbled across an article she wrote about her relationship with her mother, and I was shocked. Alice Walker who resides in the Bay Area is a member at my mothers church and my mother, knowing I was a fan of both Alice Walker and her daughter, and so she made sure to point her out to me on Mothers Day. I know it's not nice to base your opinions of others because of what someone else has told you about them or based on someone else's experiences with that person, but after reading this article I will say my opinions have changed. I judge no one, but nor do I try to let them justify what I feel is wrong to be right. See for yourself and read the article. Rebecca Walker

Confession...I Hate Minivans

2008-05-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, hate is such a strong word, so let me be nicer...I strongly detest minivans!

What is anyones true desire to drive Shamu on wheels? Seriously, most of my road range is focused on minivans. Now hear me out. I understand the need for a minivan, having a bunch of kids and all, but isn't the idea that you want to have a big vehicle to protect your loved ones? If so, why does it seems that people who drive minivans cannot drive at all! At least the moms I see driving Shamu can't seem to drive.

A good while back I was in Hayward on my way to that custody/child support filing workshop and I was cut off by a woman in a minivan. This woman drove as if she were in Volkswagen golf and not Shamu on wheels. I couldn't believe it. I was so outraged for her lack of concern for my safety as she swerved in front of me only to drive more crazily and without sense. I pulled out from behind her vehicle and to the side and got a good look at her face. She looked pissed and tired and simply fed up in general. I of course figured she was bitter because she had such a big car to drive and hadn't invested wisely in birth control, thus, she had to spend the rest of her days driving around screaming kids she couldn't reach in the back seat to swat. Harsh? Maybe. But a lot of the moms I see driving these horrible inventions do not look happy. I never see moms with smiles on their faces. I have an aunt in Texas who has six crumb snatchers (five under 18 and three under twelve, and one grown and gone out of her care) and she never seems happy and through the family grape vine we always hear about aunt so and so being so bitter and starting drama about something. I don't get it. I know that as much as I would like to give Baby D more siblings, these days and probably some years down the road, it isn't likely. One, kids are expensive, and two, the little buggers need quite a lot. Just last night I got frustrated and emotionally overwhelmed with how much stuff Baby D has accumulated in just his ten months of life, only to let me believe that he will continue to acquire junk and there just never seems to be enough room for stuff. You should see how hard it is to get him out of the backseat of my coupe and then get him and all of his baby junk (and sometimes bags of groceries, or more junk in bags from Target) up the two flights of stairs and into the apartment safely. It's work!

People don't understand why a lot of the times I am good just staying around the house on the weekends. They don't know or care to know how much work goes into getting a baby ready and then getting yourself halfway descent to be seen in public and then out the door, in the car and to your destination only to have to unload baby and his gear for a few hours to have to reverse the process just to get home. Work! Before I had Baby D, and before I was pregnant, I would curse myself for having so much junk in my car (text books and bags and junk) that I needed to get into the house and now that I have to tote the stuff around, I just get even more frustrated with myself for having so much junk. I often think that toting Baby D & Co. around would be more easy to handle if I had a sedan, but that's not true. I'd only have more room for more junk and it would still be work. Lol, (but not really funny), my sis will go places with Baby D and I and she'll see that my hands are full with baby and his stuff and I have to give her a look or even ask her to open a door for me, seriously! She doesn't get it. She thinks I can do it all. Yes, I'm capable, but geez, you can't even open the door for me or carry the babies bag? Sometimes she'll offer to help, but her tone speaks volumes and it's clear she'd rather not assist, but I can't believe it. She always wants us to go places with her but she never really wants to help. Weird.

Don't get this blog wrong, I am not upset and not really venting in a heated sense, just confessing about random stuff.

On a brighter note, my mom and I are working on getting Baby D through a smooth transition from little baby to big baby. His first birthday is a little over a month away and though he's not walking and he's still working on crawling (really sliding, but the boy gets around), there are some bigger baby skills we need to work on. A lot of it has to do with eating habits. He's going through food (with his day care lady but not for me) like a grown man and I've let him sample some table food (doctors orders) but pretty soon he'll be eating bigger meals (Gerber Graduates) and needing to eat more often. A baby's independence is important and it's important to me that Baby D learn to do some things on his own to his best abilities as a toddler. I know he can't change his own diaper (wouldn't that be great) and run his own bath water, bathe himself and then lotion and dress himself just yet, but things like holding on to baby snacks and drinking from a baby cup are imperative. Not to mention he's picking up a lot of things from the older babies at day care and it's obvious he wants to make those skills his own. He loves screaming at the top of his lungs when I'm on the phone or in the middle of a television show, and when the attention is on his (which it always is) he's quite the performer. He'll laugh, think he's singing, and play peek-a-boo until he gets tired. He's got the itsy bitsy spider hand movements down and his favorite part is **down came the rain and washing the spider out...out came the sun and dried up all the rain** too cute. He'll hold the phone (or his play phone) to his ear and imitate mama on the phone and if you're lucky he'll tell you his version of hello. Oh he's such a joy. Just listing all of the cute things he's been doing lately make me forget all about the bunches of baby junk and laundry that I have to deal with. Babies are such a blessing but I still say whole hearted that if people can wait then they should. I know a lot of women are making the decision to do it alone (doing it alone by choice and not because they have to) but it really is a lot of work to do alone (especially if you have to work and support them financially alone) and unless you have nannies, or family on standby who will be there to handle tasks for you when you need to shower try to get a bite to eat for yourself. I have never regretted having Baby D and I know that when I had him it was the right time because of all of the opportunities (great benefits and help from my mom) and I have been blessed with a happy and healthy little baby boy. I only wish I had been better prepared financially and emotionally. There are so many things I wish I could give Baby D--and not because I didn't have them, but because he deserves them. Children come here and deserve the very best of things a parent(s) can give them. It may not necessarily be a two-parent home that you can provide, but all of their emotional and financial needs have to be met and some times to meet those needs two parents are needed. No, I'm not saying the parents have to be together or even live in the same household, but both parents need to be active in the responsibility of raising children. One should not have to be forced to do their natural job and mother/father. I accept that no, I wasn't able to have the two parent home for Baby D that I wanted and did not have, but the home I am going to have for Baby D will be filled with love and respect. Baby D will know that out of everyone in his life, it's me that will always be here for him and whatever he needs that I can provide to the best of my ability (financially). I know they say mothers are different with their sons, but I plan on treating Baby D as I would have treated a daughter. That saying, "Mothers love their sons, and raise their daughters," means nothing to me since I don't get why a mother can't do both for either sex.

I'm not sure where this blog is going but I am about to go on an emotional rant and get all teary eyed about the matter. I wrote this to speak on my disgust for minivans, but maybe those mothers are so pissy looking because they're like me and want the best for their bunches of children and if driving Shamu gets them that, then so be it. I'm still going to make sure they star far far away from me when I'm on the road. Lol.

disclaimer: do not take any offense to this post. I'm just ranting and raving.

Every little quote helps

2008-05-15T14:02:00.000-07:00

It is easy to look back, self-indulgently, feeling pleasantly sorry for oneself and saying I didn't have this and I didn't have that. But it is only the grown woman regretting the hardships of a little girl who never thought they were hardships at all. She had the things that really mattered. --Marian Anderson, 1956

I Get, I Don't, I Do...and You?

2008-05-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

As of late, I've had a ton of thoughts running through my head and a lot of these thoughts are coming out of nowhere, while a lot of the others have good reason to pop up. I decided, instead of letting my brain fill to capacity, it may be better to just get it all out. Esquire, such a dear gal, was kind enough to lend an ear yesterday via email. Thanks girl!

So here it goes.

I get...

Pissed Off easily

Doubtful easily

Depressed easily

Confused easily

Apologetic easily

Worried easily

Scared easily

Run Over easily

Turned on easily

Turned off easily

My feelings hurt easily

Hungry easily

Change my mind easily

Attracted to someone easily

Too hopeful easily

Moddy easily

Frustrated easily

Impatient easily

Tired easily

Fed up easily

Disillusioned easily

Embarrassed easily

Disappointed with myself easily

Disappointed with everyone else easily

Regret easily

Sad/Cry alot easily

I Don't...

think things through before I act all the time

like the expectations others place upon me

think I'll ever be truly satisfied

think I've ever known love (relationship wise)

think I even know how to love (relationships)

see myself married down the line

think I'll have more children

think I even want more children

get myself excited about a lot of things out of fear it'll fall through

have many goals

see what others see in me

get over people easily

let go of grudges easily

forgive without forgetting

I Do...

believe everything happens for a reason

believe I was meant to have my son

believe I'll be happy

I'm going to stop there, until I come up with other thoughts.

Say it isn't So

2008-05-06T08:07:00.001-07:00

Has it really been nearly a month since the last post? So much has happened in what seems like such a short while. Thankfully, Baby D got through those nasty chicken pox and it wasn't as bad for either of us as I had anticipated. There aren't even very many scars. He's still the same old cutie he always has been.

The assignment at Fireman's Fund came to an end, and though it hit me hard financially, I'm happy that has come and gone. I went a good two weeks before hearing anything about new assignments, and I began the unemployment process which is daunting and very inconsistent. Let's just say I haven't received a check, and don't plan on it. After completing my assignment in Novato, the recruiter suggested I look into the San Ramon branch because their vendor is Kaiser. So I did. I didn't expect much, but I figured it was worth a shot. Kaiser Permanente is pretty hard to get into, and if using a temp agency to get my foot in the door is what I have to do, then so be it. It would be beyond great if I were offered a permanent position. Can anyone say GREAT benefits! And that's what it's really all about these days.

Last week I got a call from the San Ramon recruiter who wanted to place me at a position with Kaiser but the start date was tentative, pending the approval of my background screening. Even though I'd be a temp, Kaiser is pretty strict with backgrounds. I wasn't worried. I'm not a criminal on the under. My credit check however...that's a whole different story. Anywho, while awaiting the news of the position, the recruiter calls me back to see if I'd be interested in a short assignment in their office. Funny, a temp temping in the temp office. I gladly accepted the position. The day she called I was already stressing about where the funds for BabyD's day care were going to come from. The assignment was initially only supposed to be for that day, but luckily it stretched all the way out for a week. Cha-Ching! My direct deposit hasn't gone through yet, so I'm awaiting the pay, but it'll be worth the wait. It's not millions, but I can get what I need paid and maybe even treat myself for Mother's Day, which just so happens to be my FIRST!!!!!

While working in the temp agency I gained a greater appreciation for what the recruiters do. At least what my recruiter does. They work their butts off trying to find the right people for positions that people turn down for stupid reasons, but I would eat right up. It was a good experience and I'm glad I got to practice my skills and learn some new ones. By Friday, it was definite that I'd be starting a new temp assignment with Kaiser, that pays three dollars more than the last! If I didn't have a car note, day care, and the other essentials I need to fund in order to live, I'd be rolling in the dough. But, I'm just glad I can pay what I have to and take care of my son.

Yesterday I started the new position, and honestly, it seems a bit boring. Only because I'm in training mode and there isn't a lot of hands on work for me just yet. It's in the proposals department and basically another temp and I put together sales binders for executives to propose to big companies to woo them in favor of Kaiser as their companies insurance provider. The work is very detail oriented and you have to be patient--something I usually pride myself on--but yesterday I just wasn't feeling it because there was literally nothing to do. You can only look and redo something so many times. I'm sure work will pick up because the other temp said the busiest days are mid-week and late in the afternoons. The hours are a bit on the downside and can't be changed due to flow of production, which kind of hurts me in regards to picking up BabyD and not to mention trying to find parking in downtown Oakland. The plus side is being so close to both of my parents in case I'm ever in need of a free lunch or someone to talk to. My dad and I are in the same building. His civil engineering/architect/interior design firm (not a part of Kaiser) is just three floors beneath me and my moms building is just a few blocks away(another part of Kaiser). I visited my dad on his floor yesterday and it was nice to see him work domicile and see how he operates. The people on his floor love seeing pics of BabyD and so it was nice for them to meet me (though most of them I've known since my elementary ages) and put a face to who mothered such a darling child, lol.

This position is scheduled to go through June, which will be nice as far as finances. I'm just dreading the end date and the start of waiting for another position to fall into my lap. The only good thing is with this new recruiter, she deals primarily with Kaiser and only contracts people with Kaiser, so the next position I get will most likely be a Kaiser position. I wish I had started with her all along, but it's sort of good I had some experience with another recruiter and company under my belt.

Mother's Day is this weekend and since BabyD is still far too young to know what it's about or plan a day to celebrate, I'm planning on having dinner on Sunday at my dads with my stepmother, but Saturday my sis and mom are going to do brunch or something. My sister is reluctant to visit my dads and so she wont be joining us. Sunday morning/afternoon, BabyD and I are of course going to visit my mom at church (she teaches junior church). I plan on making the most out of the day--well, weekend. I really wanted to have some pictures taken of BabyD and me for Mother's Day, but I have a little crafty project in mind. I plan on having a project for he and I every year until he gets old enough to want to take me to brunch or something, lol.

BabyD is definitely due for some new professional pictures by himself. Everyone has been asking, but getting the funds for that have been on the back burner. But it will happen soon. Keep a look out Esquire. I did give him a new look. I cut down his high top that everyone was giving me crap about. I thought it gave him personality, and sometimes I regret cutting it off due to peer pressure, but I must admit he still has personality and is still adorable. He just looks like a real big boy now. I don't want him to grow up too fast. He's still going to have the big first cut on his first birthday. And speaking of birthdays, his first is definitely being planned as I type. I really hope Esquire can make it, but I know she'll be busy with work and school. If you can Esquire, I'm planning it July 5th, you'll definitely be receiving an invite.

Okay, I'm done with this post and may not blog for the remainder of the week. This job doesn't give you as much down time as one would think, and I'll more than likely spend my down time surfing the net and reading other blogs.

Check back when you can.

That Sucks!!!!

2008-04-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to post something positive today to uplift my spirits being that it my last day on the job and all, but all I have to say is, CHICKEN POX SUCKS! Yes, Baby D has come down with a case.

Shaking my head as I write this. Pissed. Pissed. Pissed. It's not Baby D's fault of course, and it's not even the fault of the baby who gave it to him, I'm pissed because Baby D is only nine months old and even the doctor said it's uncommon that babies that young develop a case of pox. I'm just pissed because my little sweet baby will be all itchy and uncomfortable. He's already got eczema and that's itchy and annoying in itself and now add Chicken Pox to the equation, no fun. It'll be an interesting weekend and interesting week home with Baby D. I'll be armed with calamyne lotion and ready to drop him in an oatmeal bath when I need to.

disclaimer: sorry for the foul mouth, but I am really pissed.

Bless this Mess

2008-04-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

Spring has been here for a few weeks now and well, I'm seriously behind on my Spring Cleaning. About a week-and-a-half ago I attempted to start my much needed cleaning in my car. Yes, I'm guilty of letting this get too messy, but my car has gone from my own locker (from my days of taking more than one class in college) to the mommy mobile. Baby D has stuff everywhere. I took some time and tried to get all of the back seat in order. I drive a 2002 Honda Civic coupe and well, you can imagine the tight space. Getting around with a nine month old presents its challenges, but we make due. I'm just blessed to have a car that is running right. I couldn't imagine having to get around with Baby D relying on public transportation. It wasn't too long ago that I was pregnant and getting to and fro' on BART wishing I hadn't been so late with those car payments. Thankfully, I was saved and got my car back. I don't ever plan on being without my own vehicle ever again.

Yesterday I had to take a deep breath and tackle the mess called my bedroom. Baby D and I share of course, and my mom so kindly gave us the bigger room of the apartment. She felt it was necessary considering Baby D has a big crib and my queen sized bed takes up a bunch of space. I opted to downgrade to a twin so she could have the bigger room, but she wasn't for that. God Bless that woman. Anywho, I got through what seemed like a never ending heap of mess. As frustrated and annoyed I was (mainly at myself for letting it get so bad, and mad for having so much crap---mostly my own) I had to get through it and keep reminding myself that Baby D and I are so blessed to have a roof over our heads and in addition to that not have to pay rent. It was wrong of me to live so unorganized when I had so much to be thankful for. So I said, "God Bless this Mess!" and got to work. It took all of two hours to organize. I still have to fold a lot of Baby D's clothes and put them away in his drawers, but I plan on having that done by tonight. But I also have two baskets full of laundry for Baby D to do. I was supposed to do it last night at my Dad's, but when I went to leave I was so frustrated with that mess that I decided the laundry could wait at least another day. My Dad seemed mad that I had to cancel, but he doesn't understand.

In addition to cleaning, I need to get some research done for my math class. I have a four to six page paper to write on the Golden Ratio and also work up a presentation with a display board. I'm seriously behind and only half-assed an outline to show my teacher (which he didn't even read). This next week in between looking for a JOB, I am going to be sure to stop by the library at Chabot and check out the San Leandro Library for research. The computer class I'm in (online) require Office 2007, and of course I don't have the $280 (or more) kind of money to buy that software (my lap top is an older Toshiba, circa 2002 with XP and Office 2003) so I need to use the schools resources. My dad has a sort of brand new lap top that has Windows Vista but the teacher said that may not transfer assignments over right. I can't afford to risk it.

This weekend my mom and I are planning on heading to the laundry mat and do massive laundry (linens and such) and hopefully we can do that in the morning half of Saturday. She has a meeting at church at 7:30am and hopefully she'll be back no later than 10am. Laundry mats are no fun on the weekends if you don't get their early enough. Anyone who knows what I am talking about knows how people fill those places with all their laundry and family members. I get so annoyed seeing kids running around with no supervision, and then when there's an accident the parent(s) act all suprised. Too much. Baby D will have to tag along of course, and it should be interesting. When he gets older, I hope to not have to need the laundry mat or I hope he behaves well in public. I never showed out. Sure, I used to love to push those cart things around, but I was never an embarrassment, at least I don't think I was. My mom toted my sister and I everywhere, even the nail shop. Sometimes, she'd let us get manicures with nail polish. I felt so grown up. The first time I got a pedicure I was in high school I think, and that was the funniest experience of my life. Yes, I'm ticklish (sp?). Baby D is my little dude so I'm definitely going to have to have someone watch him while I do things like visit the hair dresser or pamper myself with a mani-pedi. For now, those days are far off. Financially, can't swing those kind of luxeries right now. Heck, a luxury to me is getting my car washed, and I don't do that often.

Work is going the same as it has the last few days. It's Thursday right? One more day. I've been getting info for a lot of positions and feeling confident and eager. I have to follow up with another agent about the Kaiser position, and I plan on doing such tomorrow morning. I'm also filing for unemployment. I know it takes a while, but it's better to try. It can't hurt. My co-workers who have filed before say the process can be lengthy and annoying, but I have to try. My sister is on my back as is.

Speaking of that crazy chic, last night I was on the phone with her and my came into my newly organized room and offered me a waste basket, I declined because I felt there wasn't room for it and it would just get in my way (she left it anyway) but my sister on the phone feels the need to make a comment, "Yeah, you don't need a trash can because you never take your trash out," and starts to laugh, and well, I feel if you can dish it you can take it, so I retort "Yeah, and you're the one who throws food away in my trash can." She got all pissy about that come back and went on about how I need not try to clown and go there and I was like, you started the clowning so look who's talking. She starts going on about how she's just telling the truth (though she was trying to be funny when she said what she said) and I was like I too am stating the truth. She gets all butt hurt because she tried to clown and I turned it around. She hung up in my face of course (her usual, so rude) Is it fair to try and get on someone then get mad when they throw it right back at you? No. My sis is like me and sensitive with comments, yet because I'm the little sister she thinks it's okay for her to do one thing, but not alright for me. I'm twenty-four years old and refuse to be treated like it's okay to throw whatever at me. All I have to say is brace yourself for a come back, because you will get one. We normally email back and forth throughout the work day, but today I'm getting no emails (I haven't sent her one either).

I just don't like people trying to make me out to be one way when I'm in the right. If I don't take my trash out for a while, that's my business. It's not like it's full of nasty things like a bathroom waste basket would be. My room trash is normally full of paper from mail or tags or whatever, but never filled with food. My sister has a bad habbit of eating in my room, then thinking it's okay to dispose of whatever the meal was in (or still is in if she doesn't finish) and leave it in my room. When I was pregnant, I had bad experiences with the smell of food lingering in one place for too long, and a bedroom is a small space, and that stuff starts to cloud up the room. Especially McDonalds! My sister gets annoyed when I always remind her to take her food trash to the kitchen trash. She rolls her eyes and thinks my reasoning is dumb, but she wouldn't like it if I ate at her house all the time, in her bedroom at that, and left my plates (paper) or nugget cartons in her trash letting her room funk up. In our conversation last night she also made it a point to point out that when I come over and have a water bottle or a glass of water, I sometimes forget to put the cup away. That was a dumb example because she does the very same thing in my room. Oh, and the chic can't remember to push a drawer in or close a cabinet in the kitchen to save her life. I'm always coming behind her to close things, and remind her to get napkins. I don't get it. Maybe it's just me, but my point still remains, don't sign a check your butt can't cash.

Guess I'll get back to work.

Truly Random

2008-04-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

I may not have mentioned him in a few posts, but Dreamy is very much still apart of my life. No, there aren't any big changes. No labels. No status. Just friends (with all that entails). What I've come to accept is that I really care for him as a person and as a part of my life. I've known him for a year now and though things may not have turned out how I may have wanted (big wedding gown and an isle to walk down, lol) having him as a friend is important to me. Having more? Well, that's something I can't stress over. I don't think I've settled, I'm just not meddling. There are those who go for what they want aggressively and those who wait to see what will happen. I have nothing to lose and well, I can wait. What's the sense of pressuring someone into something they don't want too soon, only to regret it later. Been there, done that.

This blog is truly random so bare with me as I jump all over the place. Once again, work isn't what I feel like doing. I'm pacing myself. I've got all day and the minimum will be met. Our boss has been out since last week when six of us got let out of our contracts early. Apparently, his wife fell off of their horse and is spending some time in recovery, thus, he's caring for her and working from home. That's fine by me. A colleague of mine who also got axed (and is also a single mom) spend most of the day chatting and decided that for the remainder of the week we're just going to go casual but still presentable. Fridays are normally days for jeans, but this week I'm including today and tomorrow. In between my case load, I'm looking out for jobs on the Internet, reading blogs by other mothers, and trying to stay optimistic. I learned yesterday that a child at Baby D's day care has come down with the chicken pox and well, it's inevitable that Baby D will have them too. Great! That's exactly what I need right about now. Because I'm off next week and had plans to hopefully be on interviews or what not, I'm going to keep Baby D with me. I'm not trying to keep him from getting the pox (it's bound to happen) but I feel he'll be better comforted with one on one attention. Ew, just remembering the smell of calamine lotion is making my stomach turn. He'll definitely need an oatmeal bath.

Before class yesterday, Dreamy---let's just change his pseudonym to just JE--- invited me to have dinner (that he prepared) with him and his father at his parents house. His mother and younger brother are visiting family in Mexico for the next two weeks and JE, being the family guy that he is, is doing all of the cooking for his dad and spending time with him so he doesn't get lonely. Sweet...kinda, lol. I accepted the invitation only to disappoint JE that I didn't devour his chicken (only had a few bites, wasn't that hungry). The pieces were huge! Before getting their I sneaked an had a piece of friend chicken from KC my mom had brought home earlier. My bad. The refiend beans were good. His mom made those before she left. I've always liked her beans. Anywho, it was nice to be invited and felt good that JE wanted me to be there with him while he kept his dad company. His father and I get along nice, and not that his mother has said she's hated me or made any suggestions to such, I just don't think she likes me. Several posts ago I mentioned that I was a bit bothered with JE and one of his ex girlfriends that I happened to know from high school (and middle school). Well, his mom was crazy about her. So crazy about her that she still has pictures up of the two of them in her house. Mind you, since that relationship, JE has been engaged to another girl and even in that time the pictures remained. Weird? Well, the mom made it known she was not crazy about JE ex-fiancee. I've heard stories about the chick from JE and his friends and sister, but I can't say much about her because I don't know her.

Back when JE and I were an official pair, it would bother me when I would visit to his parents with him and have to see the pics. I had to question my own confidence. What was bothering me? Well, later the bother became a problem when I learned that JE was still talking to her (as friends) and had even gone to her house for breakfast (while we were together). It wasn't so much that I was worried about her taking him from me, or even worried that he'd mess around with her behind my back, I was just bothered because I felt it was tacky and rude, on both of their parts. A lot of girls place the blame on the woman in situations like that, but my theory has always been, if the girls knows about you, she's just as wrong as the man, but if he didn't tell her about you and he had her believing she was the only one, the blame is entirely on the man. Fair? I think so. I've never been a cheater, and sadly in the past I was one of those girls who got caught up with guys that were taken, only to be bitten in the butt by Karma later. The truth of the matter was, they were never going to pick me, and that was a hard pill to swallow. Now, back to this issue. What has always boggled my brain about ex girlfriends and why they still are even around, is why? What was so great about her that you're not still with her? Why does your mom have these pictures up? Is she hoping you two will rekindle the flame? Does she have these pictures up because she feels that was the only girl worthy enough to be with her son? JE has a lot going for him and he's a great guy. I could see where a mother would feel her son might be taken advantage of (that last girl really did a number on him) but that's not me. That's not what I'm about. I think his mother doesn't care for me because I was pregnant when I started dating him, and I have so much more to accomplish to get to his level (in terms of what he has), but I don't see it as a competition, nor a race. JE assures me his mother likes me and that if she didn't, it wouldn't matter because he does, but his family means the world to him and like they did with his ex-fiancee, they can sway his decisions.

I wonder if Baby D will ever have a girlfriend that I think is soooooo great that if that relationship fails, I'll still have pictures of the two of them around the house when he's gone and grown with a new girl on his arm. I doubt it. Formal pictures are understandable, you know, proms and dances. But couple pictures taken for fun and pictures with family members and the old girl, those pics will make their way to a photo album and that's far more acceptable than having a place on the mantle (like they're still involved). Maybe it's just me, but is it wrong to feel bothered, just a tad?

I had gone to prom with a guy who I had been crushing back and forth with since seventh grade. He and I were each others date for the senior cruise as well. I remember going to his house and seeing our prom picture up on display as well as the senior cruise picture, but we weren't even a couple. He always told his mom loved me and thought we were going to end up together and get married. At one point I kind of thought that way too, but obviously that didn't happen. I remember a few years later going to his house and the pics weren't up anymore (this is before me getting pregnant). I wasn't bothered and it didn't feel to me as if his mom liked me any less because I wasn't displayed in the house anymore. It was some time after high school and like I would, she probably felt why have old pictures up on display for longer than they need to be. I don't know. I'm so random.

Another thing I've notice about JE is when his family is around, and I'm there, he's not as affectionate, but at least he includes me in conversation. His family's primary language is Spanish, and though I understand good amount of it (I took Spanish in college) I can't respond in Spanish. They all speak English too, but you know how it is with some people, they like to do things their way, and I'm not arguing with that because I would too if my family and I spoke a different language. They try and speak a lot of English when I'm around, but it doesn't bother me if they don't. I know enough Spanish to know when I'm being talked about, lol. I know his mom can't not like me because of that. I don't think she dislikes me because I am Black, for the ex with the pics in the house is half black, but from what JE tells me, the ex and his mom still talk every now and then and she speaks Spanish--and it's not her native tongue. The ex doesn't have kids, nor does she live with her parents, or have trouble finding a job (although she's a teacher and I think she got laid off recently because of budget cuts) and JE doesn't have any kids and lives alone and has a good career. Maybe his mom feels because I'm not on that level I'm not good enough. Or maybe I just think that. I don't know. JE likes me for whatever reason he does and I believe that it's past physical. A person can be so beautiful but if you have nothing in common, don't get along, and can't stand each other outside of the bedroom, the situation won't get any better. Trust me, I dealt with Flash for nine months and was surprised it went that long.

Baby D and I are supposed to be going to my dads tonight to do Baby D's laundry, but I don't feel like loading up my car and then loading Baby D just to unload only to have to reload all over again. It's cheaper doing laundry for free, but it's so not convenient when you have to travel with a nine month old and junk to do so. We'll see.

Solemn Solitude

2008-04-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd feel better after the weekend Tahoe trip, but as much as I told myself to put the week behind me and focus on turning a new leaf, I couldn't. The weekend was somewhat enjoyable. It was nice to get away, but my father and I aren't the closest, and at times the car ride got a little awkward. My dad thinks it's really important that he and his wife, my stepmother, create a bond with Baby D so that he is comfortable with them as he gets older. I agree, but sometimes I think people should just let things happen naturally. Over planning can cause problems down the road. The weather in Tahoe was refreshing. Cold, but not freezing. Baby D seemed to enjoy himself. The fresh air and change in climate seemed to be beneficial for his nasty cold or whatever he has. His day care lady seems to think it's not a cold at all, but just a reaction to teething. He already has his front two bottom teeth and the top two are coming in now. Yes, drool gets everywhere, but he's a baby, not a dog, so it's okay and sort of cute.

It's been really hard pushing myself out of bed each morning. This is my last week here on the job. So much of me wants to be done with it and forget about being professional and say screw it, but an even bigger part of me is so not like that and also, I need the money. Speaking of, Esquire (truly a God sent) sent me and Baby D something that is gladly appreciated. Most times I'm opposed of accepting things from people in monetary form because I feel bad and think people will think I'm inadequate and take care of myself, but I know Esquire doesn't think that way, and my mom told me sometimes it's just nice to accept help than to reject it. I said it yesterday and I'll keep saying it, Thank You SO MUCH! And trust me, I will get that bra, lol.

I got a not so welcomed phone call from Flash last night. It's been two weeks since our last debacle and I really could have gone without hearing from him this week. I understand he's Baby D's father and has the right to inquire about his sons well-being, however, because he does so randomly, it's not fair. One minute, he wants to be a father, the next, he doesn't. Am I at fault for being cautious and holding my ground. I'm the one who has Baby D's best interest at heart. I'm the one who provides. With all I do and continue doing without his help he still feels he has the right to have some say. Ugh-uh, don't think so. So, our conversation was heated of course. He tried to pull the guilt card and throw all of this nonsense out about how it's important for fathers and sons to bond and I'll never understand because I'm a woman and it's not the same. I quickly retorted with he had nerve to tell me what I'll never understand, and how dare him try to make me out to be the one who is at fault for protecting my son, and that he had nerve to mention anything about a father and son connection when he's a grown man who doesn't even call his father "dad" but by his first name and then expects me to put up with his mess when his own daddy was a hot mess. I also added that the apple didn't fall too far from the tree and that he might want to rethink his own paternal connection before he got all up in my ear about having one with Baby D. After I said what I said he was pretty pissed at that point and the conversation came to an end. I didn't mean to pull the bad daddy card, but I had to. People won't understand because they aren't me and can't comment on how I feel and how Flash tries to make me feel. I don't need that. I feel bad for what I said because at a point in time I really did care about Flash and know how unfortunate his relationship with his father is. I wasn't trying to take a stab at him, but I did want to make sure he realized he was saying a lot about me and what I was doing, but wasn't taking responsibility for his actions and what he could be doing. I almost called him back to apologize and then almost sent him a text this morning to try and have another conversation, but that would be pointless.

All I want is for him to be responsible. Show me something. Prove me wrong. Do something. Anything. Why is it that I need to take him to court for him to man up. Why does a judge have to get him to do the right thing. Why does someone have to hold his hand. Why? Why? Why? I want Baby D to have a father and know him and have a relationship with him, but I am not going to be the one to get Flash to do what he doesn't want to do. I tried that, got nowhere, and now it's time to take the matter above his head. In due time.

Flash and I need a mediator because there is no way anything can be accomplished between the two of us talking. I don't feel comfortable having Flash in my home, I don't feel comfortable going to his home or his mama's home, and I certainly do not feel comfortable leaving my nine month old with him either. Flash doesn't get that, but like he tried to tell me I didn't understand the whole father/son thing, I told him he'll never understand the bond between a mother and her child. The child she brought into this world without a father who continues to not contribute on his own child's behalf. He shut up about that too.

I'm not getting much work done, but at least I've showed up. I'm doing the bare minimum. I've got homework to get completed and class tonight. I've been escaping this funk I'm in by reading blogs by other mothers. Most of the mothers are married and stay at home moms, and though I can't relate to that, it's still nice to read about mothers and their children. I don't write too much about Baby D here. It's not because I'm trying to keep that private or anything, it's just I don't do it. I'd start, but I jump all over the place enough as it is. This blog is about me and everyone in my life. Perhaps I'll create a separate blog for life with Baby D. I've started calling him Heavy D because the boy is getting big. We're working on crawling. Only three more months before his first birthday. I can't believe how fast time flies. These nine months have been interesting. Hard days, but a lot more good ones. So much more to look forward to.

I guess that is the essence of my new outlook, "so much more to look forward to".

To an End

2008-04-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

You know that saying, "all goods things must come to an end", who came up with that? Is that supposed to be helpful? Is it optimism or pessimistic? I don't know, but I don't really feel that saying. Why do all good things come to an end? Is it really considered good if it comes to an end? I don't know.

If you haven't picked up on it yet, I'm in a bit of a funk. It was either last post or the post before where I mentioned my boss mentioned to my co-workers and I that our assignment at company could end a little earlier than expected for some of us. Well, "some of us" just so happened to include me. I really didn't think I'd be one of the people let go, but sometimes what you believe isn't so. I had so much confidence in my position, and I guess I read the signals wrong from my boss. Granted, the position was always temporary with the hopes of turning into a permanent assignment in the summer, but the executives decided to cut six out of ten of us a month and half early. A whole month and a half early? Not good. Here I was just talking about my finances and how much I want to get them order, and now to have this curve ball just makes me ill.

I've never been "let go" from any job and rejection has never been something I can let easily roll down my back. I know things aren't supposed to be taken so personally, but I'm a personable person, and well, when I found out yesterday afternoon that I wasn't one of the people chosen to stay, it was a hard blow to my emotions. It didn't help that when I walked into the house with my box of personal belongings from the office, my mom gave me a not so comforting look. She's been so encouraging, and along with my sister, were hoping that I would be asked to stay on the job. All this means for my mom is dollars minusing her bank account. I don't mean to be such a burden, and now that I'm in this position, I feel inadequate---inadequate as a mother. I really do want the best for Baby D, and I hate that I am not providing such. I thought I was on track and soon better days financially would come. Now, I'm off track and after to start back from square one. I know it's sad, but most of my happiness reflects upon dollar signs. If I'm not making money and supporting myself and most importantly, supporting Baby D, then I'm not happy.

My dad has this family ski weekend planned this weekend and I said I'd attend weeks ago. My sister already backed out and I wish I would have too. This is not the weekend for painting on a smile and lying about how well the job is going. My dad is nowhere near supportive nor encouraging and nothing I've ever done has made him proud. Nothing.

There's got to be better days ahead. I need to believe it. I've gotten a taste of financial gain for the last two months and now it's ending. After Baby D was born I was seriously in the pits about not making money and not being able to buy Baby D this or that. I couldn't afford to give him a Christmas, and thus had to rely on others to make his first a special one. He's nine months old today and his first birthday is just around the corner. I had so many plans, things I wanted to do alone so I could tell him I was able to do that. Now, I can't tell him anything. My family reunion (very small) is happening this summer in San Diego and Baby D and I are due to attend. I was going to take him to Disneyland and finance a good time, but now, I'm not so sure. My mom is already buying my plane ticket, but I don't want to keep asking things of her.

Before I left the house this morning for work, I stared for a long time at a picture of my sister and I around Christmas when I was about six or seven. My smile was so big, and so genuine. I thought to myself, who would've known that the little girl in the picture wouldn't be accomplished as she should be going into 25. Who would've known that the little girl in that picture would only continue to have her parents and sister believing she couldn't take care of herself or her own child. Who would've though that the little would still be depending on her parents as if she were still a child well into her adult years. Who would've known that the little girl in that picture would have grown up to be me.

I keep reminding myself to follow my own advice that I'm so good at reciting for others, but in my case, it's easier said than done. I need order. I crave stability and financial independence. Jealousy is a sickness and I'm sick with it. So many friends of mine are financially independent and well into their careers and making their dreams realities, while I'm still here wishing upon stars and believing dreams do come true, like a child. I have a beautiful baby who depends upon me and I'm still depending upon my own mother. I don't want him to start doubting me too, but honestly, I think he already does.

Please, let me have my moment. No comments please.

Crunch

2008-03-31T07:07:00.001-07:00

If I could have one thing stable in my life, I'd want it to be my finances. Actually, I'd love to have stability with everything in my life. Health, Baby D's health, family, friends, relationships (not romantic, but all) and finances. Financially, I'm nowhere near pleased or satisfied with where I am right now. Yes, I'm glad that there is money coming in right now, but I can't help but ponder on how helpful it would be with some financial assistance, and unfortunately, that assistance would have to come from Flash. I'm still sticking with my plans about custody and establishing financial assistance through that, but for now, I still have to live.

It's not like I'm out there shopping and wasting my money away. No, I'm spending money on gas, toll, food and expenses that Baby D and I have. I haven't really shopped since I was living off my retirement over the summer. And that shopping was mainly for Baby D. I haven't been able to get myself nice new things. I've been lucky to find a sweater on clearance at Old Navy. I need things. Well, I mean, I don't need things like I do not have things already, but I would like to have nicer things. Only in regards to work attire and undergarments, lol. I'd really love a new bra, no joke. I stopped breast feeding and well things have returned to normal size with some differences, and well, a new bra that fits properly would do the trick. Some new works tops and work shoes would be great too. I have a wish list, we'll see if any of those wishes come true.

Baby D doesn't need a whole heck of a lot right now, which I am thankful for. His food and formula, diapers, wipes and other baby essentials are covered. But he could use a pair of new shoes too. He's also due for new professional pictures and I'd really love to get those done too.

There's so much but not enough to cover it all. The job is going well, but there's a minor set back. The position was always meant to be temporary, but the contract was supposed to last from January to early June (late May) and our boss told us at the end he was only looking to bring three or four people on permanently out of the ten of us. That was okay. Last week he drops a bomb and tells us the executives overseeing the project we're assisting with plans on wrapping up earlier than expected and as early as this week (most likely next) he'll have to let four of us go early. Everyone is stressing about it, but I am not. I'm continuing to do my work at the pace and quality I have been since day one and I honestly feel I will be asked to remain for the duration of the contract and hopefully hired on permanently. But you never know. However, for that same reason, I'm keeping a positive attitude about it. Everyone else is pretty tense about it, and I can't blame them because everyone's situation and financial obligations are different. I know that whatever happens will happen, and like always, there's a plan for us all. Our recruiter from the temp agency assured us that there are other positions should we be dismissed early, and hopefully that'll come through if that is my fate. There is just too much going on in my life to be thankful for that I can't sit around and stress or mope about something I can't control, but only keep performing my best at. My boss and I have a good rapport and I think he likes me and see's that I make a good contribution to the team. We communicate well and whenever I need help he's there and always open. Very cool guy.

This week I'll be crunching numbers. Toll and gas alone eat up a lot of my cash flow, but it doesn't help that I've been buying lunch everyday and eating fast food for dinner. I'm terrible at grocery shopping and way too impatient to cook and I have an issue with left overs. I know, I'm too broke to be so picky. I'm working on it. I plan on shopping this week and finding things that are healthy and tasty for lunch and dinner at home. My mom isn't too much of a cook these days. She's burned out. Her partner pretty much overworked her in the kitchen, and now my mom is a fast food aholic too. It's a sickness. Lol.

Happy Monday

Above and Beyond

2008-03-13T07:09:00.001-07:00

My new effort to try and make the best of everyday and every situation has my attitude turned around for the better. Situations are starting to arise that normally, the old me would have acted on irrationally only to regret or second guess later. I've always found it interesting how people seem to root for the underdog, even when the underdog is hurting them. I love my mother to death and yes I know that her life is not for me to place judgment on or truly even comment on, but when it involves me and it involves my relationship with my mother, then I make it my concern. To make a long story short, my mother and her partner of four or five years recently ended their roller coaster of a relationship. I know it takes time for all wounds to heal, but I have no sympathy for those who continue opening the wound. It's like when people have a bruise or a cut and there's a bandage and the doctor may have instructed you not to remove the bandage early, yet some people just can't help but peek at the wound to see if it's better before the doctor told them it would be. I am at fault to that behavior as well, so let me just state that before I come off as a hypocrit. My mom has fallen into that mode. She is supposed to be healing from the split and working on getting back to her happy place, yet it never fails when she mentions something about her partner and then makes a comment to how unbelievable the situation is now, and how she was tired of the hurting. We've all been there, but my mother is interesting because as much as she wants to bash and be upset, she's still signed on to defend and protect. I guess.

I was very excited about my custody workshop and was hesitant to tell my mother about my positive experience, because like she does a lot of the time (especially involving Flash) she has a way of bringing you down from your high place. So, there I was telling her about what I hoped to accomplish through every thing and she decides to make a comment in defense of Flash. I tried to hold my tongue but I could not. I always tell her that she roots for the wrong side (not that we're in elementary school and I'm telling her she can't like someone) especially when the other side is so foul. She witnessed my depressing experiences with Flash and still all she can do is find some way to always boost him up. She says things like, "Well, he doesn't know any better," or "You should help him or tell him," I don't feel I should have to do a thing. I've done plenty and still he carries on like the world is out to get him. I just don't appreciate my mother siding with someone she only knows so little about because she thinks she's being neutral. Flash has been disrespectful to not only me, but her as well, with his comments and such. I haven't told her all of that because I don't like to play messenger and start mess. Maybe I'm just too defensive, but apparently I have to be. My mom does so much for me, but sometimes I feel as if she thinks she's obligated or she feels because she does so much, I'm just supposed to eat up anything that she throws at me, and that must include her feelings of wanting to be in favor of Flash. The woman actually believes he and I will get back together in a few years, what kind of mess is that.

Now, back to the real reason of this post. A while back Esquire had a post about how people expect black women to be loud and abrassive, or something like that. Yesterday morning I was mentioning to my mother how at work (which isn't really diverse) people always stare at me and I rarely get smiles. My mother suggested it's because they're still trying to figure me out. Figure out what type of black girl am I. That notion stuck with me all day yesterday, and ironically, I had my opportunity to prove which type of black WOMAN, I am. One of my co-workers and I (both Cancerian) could be considered cool enough, but yesterday she flipped her switch and I pulled her card. We were auditing each others work and when it came for her to do mine, she had been on the phone with her beau getting into a hissy with him (which happens almost every day) and I was playfully trying to hurry her along (she really was being rude by making me wait). So she gets off of the phone with a tude, and then tells me "You're kind of being a bitch," and I was like, "I was just playing with you," (which I was up until that comment) and she pushes her chair over to my cubicle and it bumps my own chair that I was sitting it mind you, pretty hard. She starts sucking her teeth and having her tude and I was offended. Not only by her comment, but her attitude. The consensus amongst the other co-workers is in no favor of hers, and I've truly been the only one who tolerates her short and pissy attitude. I wanted to say something to her but remembered my mothers comment that morning. What I don't need is to get into it with someone at my job so that my boss and co-workers consider me the brash sista girl who they were just waiting to show out. No, I simply ignored her and plan on doing such. If she brings up the situation I will calmly tell her I was offended and not to confuse me with her boyfriend. We may be cool on the job, but we're not friends. I am going to show that I am not a push over, but at the same time I can keep a cool head. I am above and beyond all of that. I'm about to be twenty-five and have no tolerance for high school catty-ness (I don't think that's right, lol). She owes me an apology (but I don't think I'll get) and until she comes at me correct, there is no need to speak me. I'm going to continuing being the friendly and approachable me I like being. My boss and colleagues like me just fine.

Whenever I feel like bursting from here on out, my new mantra is "Above and beyong, above and beyond".

In Pro Per

2008-03-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

This week is another week of continuing to remember the things to feel good about. Since last post, my situation with Dreamy appeared to be turning around, but by Sunday, I was reminded that things are not as always as they seem.

On a healthier note, I feel so refreshed today. Yesterday I attended a workshop at the Alameda County offices to learn how to go about completing the forms to file for parentage action. Basically, a summons to Flash letting him know he will take financially responsibility for Baby D whether he likes it or not. It's been eight months and I'm way over my deadline that I originally set for Flash to get his act together in regards to the responsibility of our son. Flash is under the impression that Baby D is only his responsibility for Holidays or if I agree to get back with him. And since we know that is not happening, I had to take other necessary action. For a while I have been researching how to go about doing things the right way. So many people had been pushing for me to go the child support route, but upon my research I learned that child support doesn't deal with custody and visitation issues, which are our issues in addition to financial support. I didn't want Flash to pay child support and then feel he could continue burdening my time by showing up late or faking planned visitation. We tried that and it got us nowhere. Baby D's time is just as valuable, and Flash doesn't comprehend that. He feels just because he's a baby, he has nothing better to do than wait around for his daddy to decide he wants to be bothered. No sir.

Since collecting child support first was not my plan, I decided to go with my original desire to establish custody and visitation through the court. That way, Flash and I had it in writing when he could see Baby D and if he did not uphold to the order, that would be on him. He decided to be late or miss visits, that would be his own fault and not my responsibility to make sure he be present. Anyway, the workshop was very informative and basically explained page by page as we (the others in the workshop) filled out the paper work. I want sole legal and physical custody with reasonable visitation. Considering Baby D is so young and so dependent right now, Flash is not responsible enough for over nights or long visits (like a week). His idea of responsibility it dropping his kids off to his mothers (who I do not care for at all) because he has done so for the last eight years with his daughter (who he actually doesn't drop off, his mother picks up and tends to). I believe that I should have the only say when it comes to education, religion (of course it's really up to Baby D on that one) and what not when it comes to what's best for Baby D. Flash believes that what's best for a little boy is pierced ears and growing his hair out like a girl. See where we differ?

The paper work wasn't as daunting or confusing as I had feared and I just feel so good about educating myself and actually thinking of Baby D. It's all for his benefit. So many of us children of broken homes know all too well about absentee fathers or fathers who deliver unfulfilled promises. My dad was classic for saying he'd come at a certain time and either comes hours and hours late, or not at all. It's disappointing and depressing. My dad wasn't a complete ass, but when I was younger it just hurt so much that he devoted so much of himself to my little sister (we have different mothers) because they all lived in the same house (second marriage) while my older sister and I felt like the step children forgotten. I know I can't protect Baby D's feelings from being hurt by Flash, but if I can be on top of some of the situations, it might make things a little better. Like I said, if Flash decides to not show for a pick up or come late, I will make note and if need be have an order revised. I do not want Baby D feeling like he has to wait around. It'll be up to Flash to catch up with Baby D.

The next step down my road to redemption is coming up with the fee to file. $360 may not seem like a lot to most, but when you're footing the bill for a car note, day care, baby expenses and your own living expensive, $360 ain't cheap! I am going to start putting away as much as I can to come up with the fee and I hope to file no later than Baby D's first Bday which is four months away. I know some drama will indeed pop off once Flash is served (thanks to his mother), but it's truly what he asked for. A while back we had an argument after I asked him for help with child care (just half which is only $338 of $675) and he turned around and made something out of nothing and threw the whole, "I don't know if he's even mine" card. He signed the declaration of paternity when Baby D was born and I know he is the father, and now it is time for him to man up or better yet, father up. He wants to be acknowledged and have some rights as a father, then here it is. I'm not trying to get over on him, but I am trying to get him to be responsible. So many others (his mama and his sister) have been responsible for him for too long and it's time to let him grow up. He'll be twenty-six and he needs to start acting his age and not his shoe size.

I'm so fortunate to have so much support and to be around people with his experience both in the legal background and motherhood field. My sister, who has no children, but has a good legal background is very encouraging and proud that I'm taking responsibility and doing what's right. Not to mention I have three friends in law school (one of which is Esquire) who'll know the law like the back of their hand and in the future I may need to call upon for adivce (or even representation, lol). Baby D needs to know that I may not have been able to get Flash to be good father, but that I at least established that if he wanted to claim and show you off as his son, then he would take responsibility for him as a father should his children, male or female.

Mint condition has a beautiful new song out right now about children. Every father and mother should listen to that song. Being a parent is a blessing. And shame on those who see it as anything less. It's a gift only few see as truly that.

Baby D is the best part of every day!

--side note, in regards to the custody order, the facilitator at the work shop did advise that though we may want sole legal and sole physical, it may not be granted, but for me, joint would be okay as long as Flash was responsible and he has to be consistent, if joint is granted there's a possibility he'll screw things up and we'll have to go back to revise that and beside, the judge will consider everything the mediator suggests and examine our backgrounds and statements

Feeling Better

2008-03-07T07:17:00.000-08:00

First, let me just apologize for my rant last post. I had a lot of feelings bouncing around and well, it all just sort of got out. Today is a new day. Today I affirm that I am feeling better because I am better. I am better than all of that nonsense I succumb myself to. Better than believing that I need validation from a situation with an individual that is headed nowhere. Better than believing that I have nothing good to show for myself. Relationships do not make a person, it's the person that makes the relationship,

There are so many good things that I could have sworn I said in the beginning of the year that I was going to address. Good things--no GREAT things like having a beautiful healthy eight month old son who is learning new things and expressing how happy he is. Another good thing would be that my mom, son and I moved from way out in the boonies to a more neutral location where the benefits of being closer are overwhelming. I am too blessed to be here whining about what I want but can't have when in actuality I probably just think I want because I have trouble letting things go. On my way to work this morning (another good thing, to still have a job) Usher's Burn came on. The lyrics of course seemed to speak directly to me and my situation. Dreamy and I do not have the same priorities and I can't expect him to understand what he can't relate to. And I can't be mad at the fact that I am NOT the one for him. He came and now it's best that he go. My sister heard some woman say somewhere (on Oprah I think) about women getting all worked up about a man, "Never make a man a priority, when he only makes you an option."

Enough said.

♫ Do you know what Today Is?

2008-03-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

Yipeeeeee!
Hopefully Rhonda can squeeze me in and not keep there all night long. I wanted to type something else, like a curse word, but I'm trying not to curse so much and come up with alternate phrases or words when I want to curse, not to mention this is coming from my work email and I don't want them to read this and consider me crass. Anywho, did you talk to T.C. again? I know you think I'm bias and might badger the man, but it's not that I want to hurt your feelings by talking about him in a hurtful tone, it's just you're my sister and I saw how upset you were over the whole ordeal, but I'll support you no matter what and if talking to him is what you want to do, go ahead and do it. You're a big girl and you know what you're doing. At the end of the day it's your life and only you can live it. I just want the best for you and want you to be happy.
If you haven't noticed, I don't talk about Dreamy much these days, well, last two days. He's really disappointing me and I'm tired of the run around. I'm leaving him alone this week, in terms of calling and wanting to talk about "us" because it's his birthday week and if I'm a problem to talk to, then there's a problem overall, birthday week or not. Did you know it'll be a year next week since he and I have been dating and well, like my graduation, birthday, having Baby D and no visit from him in the hospital, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Valentines Day--some anniversary just doesn't matter. Besides, aren't anniversaries supposed to be about something good? At least in relationships. Anniversaries should be about celebrating another year with each other. Celebrating the good and only looking ahead to the better. I'm not interested in celebrating a year of crazy mixed feelings and spurts of not hearing from someone.
Okay, that's my vent for today
Tina

Above is a response to an email from my sister about sitting for Baby D next week. If you've read the whole thing, let me be brief. Everything that happens around me or to the people I know has an effect on me, good or bad. I like to have the good more than the bad, but you never know what card you'll be dealt. Relationship issues are big right now. Some people aren't having any issues, or at least they're good at pretending they don't, while others, like me, just keep going at it. Mary J Blige has a great song on her new album and the title of the song just left me, but there's a part in the chorus where she says relationships are demanding, and I second that. Not that relationships should be hard, but anything worth having is worth working for right? Now, that shouldn't be confused with holding on to nothing hoping it'll turn into something. That's my problem.

Dreamy and I would have been celebrating a year together next week (the 18th) but instead we're not. We're celebrating nothing because we have nothing. What we have is me hoping there'll be some turn around in my favor and put Dreamy back in the place we were in a year ago. You know, the honeymoon phase. Calling just to hear my voice, leaving messages, saying how much he missed me or wanted to see me, how he didn't want to wait until the weekend to see me, all of that good stuff. Now we're at me leaving a message with no return phone calls, no message from him, no conversation on the phone or even in person, lots of bickering, lots of disappointment. Lots of grief on my end. A feeling of loss.

I don't know why it is I hold onto these boys who aren't interested in me. I got nowhere but pregnant with Flash and now with Dreamy, I'm feeling the same put off. Luckily, there's no pregnancy to mess things up. Dreamy and I haven't seen each other in a week. I was supposed to hang with him after class Tuesday night, but he didn't answer my call when I got out of class early, nor did he call at all, which let me know he had no intention of hanging out had I gotten out of class at the regular time. I don't even trust him, so I don't know why I care so much. There's no intimacy (emotional) between us and I don't want to through my business out there soI'll just say I'm not satisfied. I'm just leaving things as they are, but I'm so tired of the pop-up. I coined the phrase "gofer n****s" yes, not the most friendly term, but I only use it when I'm really upset at a guy who came in my life and put me down only to pop up some time later with whole sob story about wanting to do right by me because he had changed. Unfortunately, every guy I've ever dated has been a "gofer". I got the idea of using gofer because at certain play centers for kids like chuck 'e cheese they have this game where you have to pop a gofer on the head but you have to figure out what hole he is going to pop up from to get points. I'm not even sure if they're gofers, but I'm calling them that. My sister and I get our points by dismissing them when we catch a gofer that we don't want back. I got lots of points with Flash. I've lost points more than I've gained because there are so many gofers in my life and some of them still have the nerve to pop up.

I titled my blog with a line from Tony Tone Toni's "Anniversary". Such a sweet song. I say do you know...? because Dreamy won't even have a clue because it, like me, means nothing to him. I just wish he and it meant nothing to me as well.

note: there is no animal named a gofer, I just checked the dictionary, but oh well, I'll still use it.

Building New Memories

2008-01-18T23:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a very long time since I've actually looked forward to a weekend. I didn't truly appreciate sleeping in for the last months as much as I should have. Yes, those days are over. Now, it's to bed before 11pm and hopefully sound asleep before midnight. I have a job.

A lot of people surprised me by being surprised that I took a full time position. Flash thought I was going to be working part time and I wanted to tell him, if I didn't work full time who would take care of Baby D since you aren't even helping now. But, no sense in adding fuel to the fire. Some people questioned my ability to maintain an 8hr shift and single motherhood, but you know what, I'm blessed. My mother has been the biggest help and supporter. We've butted heads the last couple of months, but she has consistently come through for me and supported me. If it weren't for her help, I might question my own ability to sustain.

I really enjoy my new job. It's a temporary assignment that is supposed to run until June. However, based on performance the manager will invite a few of us (there's a total of 10) to come on full time and stay with the position. My goal is to be one of those few. I'm in training and I have another week of it. I can't sit still for very long, so of course I'll be glad when that's over with. Thankfully, our manager is a very busy dude and lets us do a lot of hands on work.

What am I doing? Besides waking up at 4:45am and making sure I'm out of the house before 6:30 and in Novato by 7:30? I'm a Data Scrubber. The position is with a very large insurance company that is launching a new system this summer and brought on a team of people (myself included) to train on how to clean up mismatched clients/accounts and get everything in order for their new system which will help the company better deal with their clients. It's more complex but right now I don't have the energy to elaborate.

Yes, this is the position I mentioned in the post before last, and I'm so happy I got it. It pays decent and the hours are good. Technically I'm supposed to work from 8am-5pm, but I'm an early bird and not to mention I'd prefer to beat traffic over the Richmond/San Rafael bridge, so I get to work before 7:30 and get myself mentally prepared. The position requires a lot of focus and attention to detail. No guess work what so ever. It's a position that requires minimal research, but thorough. Right up my ally. I've always been into reading and research and coming out with solutions. Lots of people know me as a trivia queen. Why? I don't know. I just like to store a lot in my brain.

Because my hours are set for now because of training, I'm not able to take Baby D to and from daycare, so my mom changed her hours a bit at work and takes him and picks him up for me. She enjoys it she claims because it's creating a bond for them. At first I was a bit jealous because Baby D seems to have taking a big liking to my mother, and I almost felt forgotten about. But Baby D knows I'm his mommy and if all else, he knows he needs me for the milk, lol.

The new year is heading in a positive direction because I'm only concerning myself with positivity. I've made myself accessible to two friends who are expecting this Spring and I love being able to offer my experience and be there for them to vent to all about motherhood. One of the friends resides in Alaska with her husband who is in the military, while the other is not too far away and is about to dive into the world of single motherhood like me, but together I'm hoping to build a bond where we only see the blessings in our situation.

My horoscope today was about building new memories, and I like that idea. Lots of people hold on to bad memories and I believe it keeps them back, and I've done it too. Now, I only want to commit to memory the good in my life. What has happened in the past has already happened. There's no going back. No do overs. And in some cases, an apology doesn't make it better. I'm focusing on the the here and now. After all the present is a gift.

On a side note, but worth mentioning, my sorority celebrated our centennial. 100 years of Service and Sisterhood. It's a beautiful thing. Shame on me for not being active this last year because of all I had going on. After I finish up school this Spring, I am definitely going to get active again and join up with a Grad Chapter and get back to servicing my community. Sadly, there's a little disconnect between myself and my line sisters. We're all at different places and well, I'd like to see us all get back to a place where we can be sisterly again. Even when people have so much going on, we have to remember to take time to consider what matters.

And with that said, I just want to tell Esquire (I'm sure the only one who reads this) you've been so encouraging and honest with me in regards to my feelings about life and what I'm doing with it and I just want to Thank You. As close as my sister and I, I still feel she holds back because she worries about hurting my feelings or she either doesn't care. And I am at fault for doing that to her a little too. But you Esquire are so genuine and so inspiring. You keep doing what you do best, being you, and life can only get better.

Accentuate the Positive

2008-01-04T00:16:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!!!!! My my, 2008 already? 2007 definitely flew by, though looking back on how I felt at the beginning of the year then, I certainly believed it would drag. This time last year I was 3 months pregnant, still hadn't told my father, still dealing with Flash and about to lose my car and my high spirit. By February I had turned things around for the better. I told my dad about the baby, broke things off with Flash for good, had my car back and had found out I was having a boy. March was a special month. Dreamy and I got things started, and sadly by May things began to fizzle and completely fall to pieces right around the time I had Baby D in July. By August I was still an emotional wreck and things with Dreamy seemed to be over with for good. In September my new stregnth as a mother kicked in and I put my foot down when it came to Flash and his Mama, ha. By Septembers End things were back on with Dreamy, I was still an emotional wreck and trying to get a better handle on the reality of life as a single and unemployed mother. By November I was dreading the Holidays due to my financial status, but trying to remain in high spirits for Baby D. Though I couldn't bare the thought of December coming up so soon and my final, but I got through that and Christmas managing to get a B in the class and break up with Dreamy all at the same time. Baby D and I brought in the New Year with me worrying about his temperature as we battled the first baby sickness and that's dying off with a few sniffles here and there and today getting flu shots should make everything okay. Yep, that's my 2007 in a nut shell.

As far as resolutions go, I've decided my biggest resolution is to stop making resolutions! I've decided I am just going to do what I want, and finish what I start. Still looking for work and the interview I had back in December seemed promising, but we'll see if I'll get to start on the 13th of this month. After finding out I passed my class I have nothing to stress over as far as finishing up goes. One more class and then it's a wrap...at least until I figure out what's next. I wont say I've mastered motherhood, but I'm getting the hang of it. I still get a little disappointed from time to time when I see or hear about people getting married and starting families, or even seeing fathers participate more in a single parent situation. I've given up on expecting anything from Flash because in my experience with him I've come to accept that when I set expectations, I'm only left disappointed, and frankly he isn't my problem anymore and as far as his effort as a parent goes with Baby D, I've come to also accept that it's truly his loss. Baby D will be just fine.

When it comes to Dreamy, well, there's a lot I could go on and on about, but I've decided I'm no longer going to let things get me down. We broke up. Decided to be friends and see how things go as friends and focus on finding what it is we both want *note: I know what I want, but he can't give me that because he doesn't know what he wants* from each other. Yes, there's deep rooted feelings there, but I'm learning to appreciate him for who he is and not for what I want him to be.

Baby D is up to something new every day. Six months already! I still look back at photos remembering the first few days, weeks, and months. So many memories have been made so far and I know there are many more good ones to come. Today at our flu shot he did awesome and didn't even cry. I was impressed. We'll see how things go next week when he goes for his 6 month check up and needs to get more shots, shriek!

I'm definitely going to focus my blog on accentuating the positive from here on out. My horoscope today was very enlightening and heart warming. I know a lot of people don't follow astrology and don't believe in it, but I like to follow it every now and then and it's nice to get a good horoscope. Sometimes you get really mind boggling ones, but todays was exactly what I needed to read.

It's super late and as much as I want to change my behavior about getting to bed early, I find it hard. I'm a night owl and well, I sleep when I can. Obviously, my mornings are rough. I know I need to get with it since I'm planning on going back to work and need to be able to wake up early enough to get Baby D to day care and then sustain at a 9 to 5.

Well, my eyes are feeling a little heavy and I'm sure I have a few typos in the post because I'm kind of out of it, but I was in the mood to post and so here it is.

Happy 2008

Goodness, there are quite a few things going out this month.
1. Mentor's birthday 1/1/08, sent her an ecard
2. Esquire's and my aunts birthday 1/15 just so happen to be on the same day that AKA celebrates 100 years! Wow,

Proactive Reactive

2007-12-11T00:54:00.000-08:00

12:54 am, up late as usual. It's been a little while since the last post so I'm overdue for an update. Let's see, I can't remember too far back since the 20th of November other than Thanksgiving Happening. I had a very interesting Thanksgiving week. A good portion of Dreamys immediate family was out of the country and just he and his dad stayed behide due to work. Dreamy called me a lot and we spent a lot of time together. Probably too much time--if that's such a thing-- the entire week of Thanksgiving. Some of it was good, and some of it was not so good. But, thankfully that was a while ago. I did invite Dreamy to spend Turkey Day (well, in my case, Cornish Hen Day) with me and my family, but he declined. I didn't get too worked up about it because though I want him to meet my dad and feel comfortable around that side of my family, I'm believe that if it's meant to happen it will. Dreamy is looking to purchase a new BMW and through me (someone's got to be the messenger) he and my dad were exchaning info. Dreamy claims when he gets his new car that he wants to go over to my dads so they can talk BMW--the only thing my dad understands, lol.

Baby D had his first picture with Santa Clause taken the following weekend after Thanksgiving and all of the mad shoppers calmed down. Being that I am still unemployed, my mother kindly paid for the pics and I'm glad we were able to have them done. They came out pretty good, and Esquire, be on the look out for yours in the mail soon.

I've come to accept that this Christmas I wont be able to do for Baby D like I had hoped, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. I had what I consider a very good interview today for a position as Data Scrubber for an insurance company way out in Novato (the boonies) and hopefully I'll get a call. The position doesn't begin until January 7th, but I'm still interested. If I am offered the position, it's a blessing. I'll be able to focus on finishing this semester without worrying about work, in addition to having more time to find suitable day care for Baby D. As much as I hate being broke and dependent on others right now, it's a hidden blessing. There a lot of women who only get six weeks or three months off to be with their new babies and they dread having to return to work so soon. If all goes well with this position, Baby D and I will have had six full months of bonding and I'm glad I've had the time. However, there is a bit of a catch twenty-two.

As much as I enjoy being able to take of my son the way I want, we're having a bit of a separation issue. I've been attending class one night a week for about two hours and Baby D has been going back an forth between my mother, stepmother and father, and sister who give up their Thursday nights to help me out. As the semester has progressed, Baby D has started acting out. He's beyond attached. I hate having to leave him, but I have to do what I need to, not to mention he has to get used to it being that I plan on going back to work. If I get this position, Baby D and I will have the next couple of weeks to work on our little separation issue before he begins day care. I just hope the transition can go as smoothly as possible. Yeah right, we'll see.

After my interview, I felt a rush of motivation. I also registered for my next class in the Spring and if all goes well on my final next week, I'll be able to take the last class in the Spring and be done for good. I told myself I am just going to work on focusing on completing things one at a time. That way I wont feel so overwhelmed and pressured. I've been focusing on school since August and I think I've been doing pretty well. I could have a better grade in the class, but a C is passing and I need to do extremely well on the final to pass the class. I'm hopeful and determined. If I can just finish school, I'll be sooooooooooo happy. You have no idea. I'll most likely cry when I get the final word that my degree is filed. After finishing school, my next goal is to focus on getting out of debt. I want to pay off as much as I can and get my car paid off ASAP. That way the next focus will be on getting a place for Baby D and I.

Well, I thought I had more to write, but my eyes are starting to get heavy. Not to mention Baby D will be up soon to nurse so I'd better save my energy.

For Once in My Life...

2007-11-20T10:26:00.000-08:00

Healthy, happy baby? Check. Diapers and other baby essentials? Check. Job? Not checked. For once in my life I wish I could be satisfied. Don't get me wrong, I am more than satisfied that I am able to mother a healthy and happy baby and provide what he needs (via my mother) but honestly, I feel like I'm not really mothering.

I got on board with a temp agency right before Halloween and things seemed promising. I interviewed for a receptionist job, but didn't get it. My temp agent assured me she had something else lined up but just like a lot of things in my life, it fell through. After that I was offered a position for a graveyard position and I convinced myself that I had to make sacrifices and I agreed to it, only to learn from my temp agent that there was a waiting list for that position actually and that she'd get back to me. Well, that was well over two weeks ago, and I haven't heard about it since. I've been calling the agency on a regular basis, and honestly, I feel as if my temp agent is avoiding me. Another agent at the same agency told me that clerical positions weren't in high demand right now, and so here I am, still waiting.

While hoping the temp agency will have something soon, I've still been on the grind trying to find something. Craigslist, Monster.com, Hot Jobs...you name it, I've been there. Submitting resumes left and right and to no avail. No call backs and no help when I call them. It's frustrating.

My sister was in a predicament such as this not too far back, and I remember I was always encouraging her to not give up and assured her that something would open up after the first of the year. Sure enough, I was right. She found her current job and has been there almost three years I think now. As for me, here I am, hoping things will be just as promising for me in the new year.

The Holidays, like last year, are hard to embrace. I'm broke again this year, but what really sucks about this year is that I can't make it special for Baby D. My mother said she'd pay for Baby D's picture with Santa Clause, something I had hoped to be able to do in additing to have Christmas pictures taken for him. I don't like having to depend on others, especially when they remind you of that every chance they get.

Baby D is only four months old and I'm sure could care less about gifts and what not, but it's important to me that I make memories for him. Good memories. Not memories of how I was so broke his first Christmas that every one else had to make up for what I couldn't do.

For once in my life, I'd just like to be able to prove that I can take care of myself and what's mine. This year I haven't done a very good job at proving that. It's not that I'm worried about proving this to other people, but to myself.

I just want to be able to look over all I've done and say, you know, I did that. All by myself.

Buggin' Out

2007-10-16T23:20:00.001-07:00

As tired as my eyes are, I can't believe I'm posting right now. See, I've been searching the jobs through the world wide web and my poor eyes are buggin' out. Not to mention, I'm frustrated because as soon as I see a position I might be good at, there's some verbage used that throws me off. I don't know why I get so discouraged. But I am.

I've been at this job search for a good month now. Seriously, I've put time and effort into this hunt since beginning of September when I began to take it seriously. My savings that I've been holding on to for Baby D and I is starting to dwindle, and this afternoon I received my last check from the states paid family leave. It's not even a big check, but at this point something is better than nothing.

I'm so disappointed. I seriously thought I'd have a job by now. October 1st was my deadline, but I was giving myself until the 15th just in case. Well, here it is the 16th, and all I've got to show for it are two interviews, and my resume out and about almost everywhere. The first interview went well...so well the lady from HR told me I was in the top running for the candidates, yet I didn't hear from her for another three weeks only to let me know as much as the managers I'd interviewed with liked me, they didn't think I was right for their branch. Nice. The second place I interviewed for I really felt good about. The gal told me it could take up to 2 weeks until I heard anything from them, and here it is week three and I called them only to find out one of the gals I had interviewed with no longer works there. The other gal I interviewed with there said she'd call me back later in the day about my application status, but she didn't. Yeah, that's not promising.

I don't understand. It's not like I'm being lazy waiting for something to fall in my lap. I'm actively looking. My next step is a temp agency because my mother assures me I'll end up finding something just right. We'll see. Though I'm sure I already said it, but I'm so discouraged. Baby D deserves better than this.

Thanks Esquire for your comment for yesterdays post. I believe you're right right about Dreamy. A name change is definitely necessary.

What I Like About Me

2007-10-14T00:10:00.001-07:00

So, I was reading this article on Yahoo! about trusting your partner, and it was about being jealous, which I am very much experiencing when it comes to Dreamy. I haven't seen him in a week (which I know is nothing compared to some people who go weeks or even months w/out seeing their sweeties due to something like distance or what have you) and this week was kind of a rough one. Dreamy claims to be a little hard up for cash which is why in addition to his 9 to 5, he's doing some side work working on cars with a co-worker which goes into the late hours of the night. It's hard enough waiting for him to get off of worker, finish dinner at his moms, shower and watch a little bit of the tele before he gets around to calling me, but now there's this side work. See, since I'm still unemployed and pretty much stay indoors with my son unless I have errands to run or go out for class, I have all the time in the world to just wait. I hate to seem pestering, but sometimes I just want to hear his voice. He works pretty darn hard and so I understand he wants to have some leisure time and spend it with his family and friends, but it's like hello? where does your girlfriend fit in?

This is only bothering me because since the middle of last month we've officially been back "on" after a months hiatus (all his doing) and we're supposed to be getting back on track. Dreamy said he wanted to take things slow, and apparently the first go 'round I was beginning to smother him and had him believing I wanted all of his time (not true). Well, I know we're going slow, but my goodness we've been at this thing called a relationship for seven months (yes, I'm counting the month break) and it just seems like we're going backwards instead of forwards. Because he was "scared" the first time of me getting too "clingy", I've been trying to keep a lot of my frustrations inside. Yet, what bothers me most is that as much as he claims he needs this side work to make ends meet, why is he wasting that hard earned money on bar hopping with his buddies? I mean, I'm no one to tell him what to do with his money, but as a penny pencher I've never believed it wise to spend so much money on spirits and cover charges when gas prices are sky high and hard earned dollars can be put to better use. Well, at least that's how I feel.

Anyway, back to this article. The article mentioned that being jealous has nothing to do with your sweetie and more so to do with the person that's jealous. The article suggests that it's an insecurity really and that it should be examined within yourself. The article also suggested writing ten things about yourself that you liked and keep it close with you to build up your self-esteem and not be so dependent on your relationship and the relationship doing it for you. Well, I thought it would be easy to come up with ten things that I liked about myself, but stop the presses! I only managed to come up with four things.

1. I have a nice smile (so I'm told)
2. I'm a good mother (my son's not complaining)
3. I'm a good person (sure I've made some mistakes, but who hasn't)
4. I'm a good listener (so much that I used to want to go into psychiatry)

Now I had a fifth item, I'm honest, but I realized that wasn't entirely true. I'm not that honest with myself. If I were, then I wouldn't have a problem writing down ten things about myself that I really liked. And if I were really honest, then I'd be honest with myself and realize that I might be holding on to a feeling that a) has passed, b) only shared by me, or c) isn't worth holding on to. The article also said, "People experience jealousy when they think they are going to lose a relationship that is of value to them."
And I strongly believe that. Dreamy's a good guy, but is he really the guy for me? If he wore, would I be feeling so bad and thinking I'm not good enough for him? If someone is the one for you, I doubt you're supposed to feel that way. My experience with Flash taught me a lot about what kind of man I deserve and what kind of man deserves me. I used to think I found that in Dreamy, but these days I've been feeling undeserving yet at the same time thinking he is undeserving of me. Is it really so bad letting someone care about you? Is it really so bad having someone who wants you a part of their life? Is it so wrong to let yourself be loved?

According to Dreamy, his last official relationship before me was very hard to get over. Hell, the man was engaged. I don't expect Dreamy to want to tie the knot any time soon, but what I don't appreciate is the comparison he sometimes puts upon me when it comes to what the other girl did. However, from what he has shared about his ex, I can kind of side with her and see where things went south for them...because it's starting to head there for us too.

When I first met Dreamy, I was so secure. So confident. So not expecting to fall and lose myself in a sense. When you fall for someone aren't you supposed to gain a new sense of self? At least that's how I thought things were supposed to go. My relationship history has been pretty much the same; they're all for it in the beginning, but toward the middle they just up and decide I'm not the one they want. It's obvious it's something I'm doing that driven them all away at first, but they always come back. I can't help that I care about people. But what I'm figuring as I finish this post that I don't enough about myself, and that's the problem. If I showed them that I care more about me and my happiness, then they'd recognize that and want to make me happy. Dreamy used to make me real happy. Now, I'm frustrated, confused and disappointed. As much as I want to believe I feel all of that toward him, it's really all directed at me.

Snapping Turtle

2007-10-08T14:43:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm even up to writing this. If you haven't picked up on it by reading previous posts I'll just come out and admit it...I'm depressed. Well, there's a name for what I'm going through "Postpartum Depression" or as some call it, the "Baby Blues". I have my moments. One minute I'm really perky and excited about life and the next minute, I'm cursing my life and cursing at people around me. It sucks, but that's what I'm going through right now.

I've been reluctant to call my problems postpartum related because I don't want people to think I regret having my son, but I'm just going through a lot. Last week my family came to town to celebrate my mothers 50th and the week started off good, but by the end of their stay, I was blowing up left and right. Mainly at my mom and my sister. At the time I was doing it, I believed I had good reason. My sister doesn't notice this about herself but she's very condescending and bossy. She's always throwing in her two cents about the way I mother, the way I should mother, and the way I shouldn't mother. In addition to that, I always catch her giving me a snide look of disapproval or shaking her head whenever I do something with my son that she loves to make known that she doesn't like. And I'm like, hello, you go and have a baby alone and see how you like someone who isn't in your situation constantly make you feel bad about it. As much as I want to say she's supportive, it's like she's supportive but more so judgmental, and frankly I can't stand it. I love her to pieces, but I just can't stand it.

Then my mother. I used to think the world of her, and since I've been pregnant she's been nothing but accomodating, nurturing and at times reassuring. However, there are times when I feel she's stepping on my toes and rather than letting me do things on my own for my son, she acts like she can do a better job. Some people might find that helpful, but I find it hurtful. I'm grateful, but a lot of the time I feel like when she helps me, she's reminding me that she's helped me and therefore I owe her something in return.

So Friday night my mother, her partner and I got into a big blow out over something so trivial, but because of my strong emotional side, I blew up at my mother because I felt she wasn't defending me against her partner. My mothers feelings are pretty hurt, and though it took me until today and after a bigger argument to apologize, I know it didn't go over well. And things definitely aren't resolved...by any means. Basically, my mom is the one who suggested that I might have postpartum depression, and I got all defensive because someone else had recognized what I have been believing all this time that I have been suffering from. I'm sad that I hurt my mother, but this last argument I revealed to her that I had felt hurt by her for so long, and this last event just broke the ice.

I'm at a point where I'm okay with saying the hell with folks, even my family, and I know that's pretty sad. But I've just gotten sick of people helping me with conditions. It's like they want to help only if they know they're getting something out of me in return. I don't believe that helps anyone.

I'm ubber emotional and I don't know what to do. In between raising a baby on my own (minus a father I mean), finding a job, and managing what little bit of money I have left, life is just getting hard. I know it's called LIFE and not called EASY, but there's seems to be no room for comfort, at least it's not in sight for me. All I want is to raise my son with no one breathing down my back and second guessing every choice I make. I want to find a job that with allot me a lifestyle where my son and I don't have to ever go to another person and ask for a helping hand only really to setting myself up for a backlash from all of the supposed help. With all that I should be happy about, I'm not.

The one person that matters most is my son, Baby D (thanks Esquire for the code name, lol). And the last thing I want is for him to pick up on all of this energy. Luckily it seems as if he hasn't. Every time he smiles it feels me with joy and the hope that things will turn out okay. When he gets excited when I walk in the room, it warms my heart because I know that he's depending on me to give him a good life and all he deserves. When he falls asleep in my arms, I feel as if he knows that I'm here to protect him and ensure his well being. When he just stares into my eyes for long periods of time (maybe a minute or two, you know infants like to look around) I feel as if he's searching my soul to make sure I'm okay. And that's the last thing I want is for him to think he has to protect me and look out for me. I don't agree with mothers who have their children, or mainly their sons, looking after them instead of letting them be children. I don't want that for Baby D. He doesn't deserve that.

I'm considering therapy. It might be my only hope. I'm just weary of talking to someone and pouring my heart only to have then criticize and suggest a whole bunch of things I may not want to do. But then again, that might be what I need. It'll probably be better for anyone. However, now that I think about it where would I find the time for therapy and who would watch Baby D for me and not give me crap about even needing a therapist? My life. What will I do with it next?

Off Schedule

2007-09-25T00:53:00.000-07:00

First off, big sigh. My weekend was supposed to be pretty chill. My family is coming into town this week and on top of that I have an interview Wednesday, have to miss class on Thursday (but still manage to get the assignments in on time). I wanted to have a chill weekend so I get my mind wrapped around what's going on this week. My mom is celebrating the big 5-0, so we're having a big pot luck birthday party for her Saturday, and Sunday my little one is having a blessing ceremony. I still have to find a present for my mom (which I already know my sister is going to want me to make from the both of us because she doesn't budget very well, and who's the one without a job? Me.), in addition to finding my son an outfit for his ceremony (nothing too formal). See, there's just too much going on. I thought one of the highlights of my week would getting a chance to see Dreamy today before the chaos began, but of course that didn't happen.

Today (Monday) my mother, son and I spent time together. Being unemployed and home with a baby alone all day is sometimes uneventful and I'm always dying for company. My mom took time off this week to gear up for the arrival of our family from out of town, and also just to take some time out for herself. Hello, 50 is a big deal. Today was really nice. My mom and I browsed the department stores together, and I've got her hooked on H&M. I love that store. You literally can find everything you need. And let me just note they have the cutest intimate apparel. If only I didn't have battle wounds (stretch marks) from delivering a baby, I would have bought some. And if only Dreamy was being a little more dreamy these days I would have bought some just for him, but that definitely isn't the case right now. We had lunch at Red Robin and the burger and chocolate shake was delicious. Was is it about shakes? They're just so darn tasty.

After a few hours in the mall I only made out with a skirt to wear to the ceremony this Sunday, and a pair of ballerina flats courtesy of my mother. She said she wanted to do something nice for my son and I, so she wants to buy his ceremony attire as well as mine. Yay! I just need to get a mani-pedi, my eyebrows waxed and plucked and do something with my hair and it'll be all good. I ended the day right with a bubble bath, which gave me plenty of time to think. My son had to sit in his swing an accompany me in the bathroom, but he entertained himself with his hands that he's starting to suck on like they're the best thing he's ever tasted. So cute.

What was most settling about my day was resolving a matter that had come up Sunday. Flash's mother, who I'll refer to as Thunder, addressed me in a way I felt was very rude and inappropriate for the type of relationship she would want to have with me. Basically, she felt that she was entitled to some sort of obedience, and I had to correct her today and let her know that up until today I had been nothing but accomodating and open, but now, not so much. Because I feel she wronged herself when she disrespected my voice mail and then tried to justify her actions only to sound like a catty high school girl, I let her know that from here on out, her best bet is to speak to Flash when she has any inquiries about my son. The bottom line is I'm his mother, and her son is my sons father. She should be lucky that I had been so nice given the fact that it's her son who has repeatedly shown up empty handed which means he isn't providing for his child. And she has nerve to give me attitude.

Moving on, here's my schedule for tomorrow, though things could change.

AM (most likely after 11am or so)
Work on assignments, email instructor about missing class
Start laundry (mine this time)
Errands with mom and the baby
Help mom tidy up

Afternoon
Get a nap (hopefully an hour, preferably two)
Drive to San Leandro for a mani-pedi and eyebrow issue, lol

Evening
Stop by Dreamys is mom says she'll babysit (this task might be subject to change)

Night
Get home by 10pm

We'll see how it goes. Dreamy and I are trying to see each other before all of my family arrives. Since he and I aren't really sure about where we stand (at least I'm not completely sure) I didn't extend an invite to him for my moms party or the baby's ceremony. I feel that the man I bring around my extended family should be a man that has clear intentions and the best ones. I'm extremely family oriented and hold my family close to my heart. I've never brought a man around that I felt was going to stick around and have my family get attached to, no sir. And just because Dreamy is in the picture (for now) doesn't mean I'm just going to throw him in the mix when I'm not one hundred percent sure he wants to stick around.

Just needed to get some thoughts down.

Esquire came to town this weekend and she and the baby got a chance to meet. It was really nice seeing her hold my son. I hold her in such high esteem and I'm so glad she's excited about being a Godmother. My son is lucky to have such a great and accomplished woman in his life. And I'm just as lucky to know her and be able to call her my friend.

No One

2007-09-19T23:43:00.000-07:00

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright
-- Alicia Keys, No One 1st Verse

I remember a time, not too long ago when I felt that exact same way about Dreamy. It's funny how feelings, actions, and reactions can change. Had Dreamy and I stayed together with out all the breaks, we would have only been together six months yesterday. Not long at all. Even though I was pretty much smitten within the first weeks, I can't say that feeling that used to pull me in still does. Is it because what was once new seems so routine? Or not even routine really. Much of what used to be routine is so not happening anymore.

Musiq Soulchild sang it best when he said, "Everything is cool...when love is all brand new. Cause you're learning me and I'm learning you." Yeah, everything was cool.

Before I go any further, let me just get out here now. I do not like ex girlfriends. I especially do not like ex girlfriends who new boyfriends think it's alright to still communicate with and hang out with on occasion. Is it because I've never done it myself as an ex that I feel this way? Possibly. When I first met Dreamy, I wasn't threatened. Why? Only because I had so much confidence and the way he treated me, I never sensed there was a need to be threatened. That was until I accidentally (no lie, very accidentally) noticed a call from his ex to his cell that was made from her while he and I were vacationing. What? I mean, he told me they were still cool and all, but I'm sure she had to have known we were out of town so what was the need for the call? I'll never know.

What makes this ex of his all bad is that I know her. Have known her since seventh grade, but upon meeting Dreamy did not know that she and he used to date. This ex and I were not friends and you could hardly say we were associates. I think I only had one conversation with her in high school our senior year and that was that. What makes everything even worse is that every time I went to Dreamy's mothers' house, this ex's pictures were up. It's like hello? They broke up years ago. But according to Dreamy, his mother and this ex got along really well. She even speaks Spanish and my Spanish is so not good. Terrible in fact. I can comprehend, but can't reciprocate to save my life.

This ex started to become a problem when I stupidly checked Dreamy's phone purposely on another occasion some time after the first initial accident. And as I expected, there had been calls made from both her end and his. By that time I was pretty much with Dreamy all the time, so most of the time they coversed was on his way to and from work. That seemed suspicious to me. I never confronted him about it, but I always wondered how could think it was okay. He said he had told her about us, and she knew who I was and still she called. My biggest concern was how chummy were they before he and I hooked up. And why all of a sudden did they talk almost everyday? It's like hello, why couldn't I be the only one.

I finally had a run in with this ex by chance. It was real awkward, and from her reaction I believed possibly something had happened between she and Dreamy. Remember, I said I had known the chick in passing, but she didn't even flash a smile when our eyes met. Neither did I, but then again at that time Dreamy and I were on the outs so I knew she knew about that. Could that be why she reacted the way she did. Pretending not to see me when I noticed her staring. Target, what a place to run into folks.

Now that Dreamy has come back around, I can't help but wonder if anything had gone on between the two of them. At one time when we were on rather than off, this ex had invited him to breakfast at her apartment that Dreamy wasn't going to tell me about by his own admission, had I not pressed him when I had the instinct that's where he had been. Betrayal is what I felt.

I know that everyone says blame the man and not the other woman, but in a situation where the other woman knows about the main woman, she is just as wrong as the man. Some might see their friendship as harmless, but I don't. I have a guy friend who I was romantically involved with some years back and he and I chat every blue moon, but when he starts to bring up things that I feel are inappropriate for discussion being that he has a girlfriend going on two years, I nip it in the bud. I just find it down right disrespectful on both ends. The man should know better, because how would it feel if the tables were turned, and the other woman should know better because karma is a b*%&$ and well, what goes around comes around.

Dreamy is back and acting like he wants to be involved again. I'm entertaining the idea because I care about him and would like to see things progress, but there are just some things I can't not think about. I don't want to say something scandalous went down between the two of them, but I'm sure some kind of conversation has come up and I just wonder what Dreamy might have said and what he might do. Because he disappeared for a while, I'm in fear he'll do it again and I can't withstand another episode like that. I expressed that to him this Sunday after we hung out. I find it kind of hard to express myself when I really care. I always would rather they just knew how I felt and knew what I might deem offensive and disrespectful without ever having to say it. Yet with Dreamy, and every other man who has come and gone in my life, that is so not the case.

I know I should let this ex of his bother me. I'm sure I'm no bother to her. And being that Dreamy is back in my good graces, I wonder if she's decided to back off. However, because I'm trying to learn to trust him again and refuse to check his phone when he's not looking, I'll never know. I'm sure Dreamy cares about me, but I wonder if he cares enough not to hurt me in such a way again. Whatever he and his ex are up to, I pray it's nothing and I'm just over reacting. But females today can be raggedy, greedy, malicious, and down right wrong. I hope Dreamy wouldn't hurt me in such a way.

I just miss how things were in the beginning when all he wanted was to see me or talk to me. Now, it seems like he really doesn't sweat it too much. Sunday was nice, but it could have been nicer. I felt out of place. I felt like I didn't know how to be with him again. I'm just scared. I'm just not over it. I don't love him. I don't know what love is between a man and woman who are seriously involved. What I thought was love wasn't it. And what I want love to be like is only the way I feel and can't expect it from him if he doesn't feel it.

I want a man for myself. No ex girlfriends in the way who still have some priority (especially with moms). I want a man who wants me and wants to support me. Not financially, but emotionally. I just want someone on my level. I thought that what I had in Dreamy, but learned I was mistaken. Now that he's back around I want to make sure it's worth while, and not just another something to do to kill time.

I just miss how we used to be.

--oh yeah, this post was totally random and I will feel a lot better after a good nights sleep--

Make it Happen Cap'n

2007-09-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or can a song come on the radio out of nowhere and seem to have the answers for all of your worries or frustrations?

A couple of weeks back I was driving in my car with the baby in the back seat. I'm not sure why I was feeling a little down. It was most likely because I was worried about finding a job, a good day care for my son, and figuring out how I was going to financially manage my new life. I was browsing through my saved radio stations and stopped on KBLX and a commercial was playing, and right after Yolanda Adams' "Open my Heart" came on. Years ago when my first stepmother (dads second wife) would drive my sisters and I around in her car, she'd played nothing but gospel, and we frequently heard that song so back then I knew the words. So, while it was playing in my car I hummed with the melody and then all of the lyrics seemed to be refreshed in my brain because I started singing the words of the song that hit most close to home. So, I'd like to share the lyrics that I'm talking about:

So I need to talk to you
And ask you for your guidance
Especially today
When my life is so cloudy
Guide me until I'm sure
I open up my heart

[Verse 2]
My hopes and dreams
Are fading fast
I'm all burned out
And I don't think my strenghts gonna last
So I'm crying out
Crying out to you
Lord I know that you're the only one
Who is able to pull me through

[Chorus]
So I need to talk to you
And ask you for your guidance
Especially today
When my life is so cloudy
Guide me until I'm sure
I open up my heart

[Bridge]
So show me how
To do things your way
Don't let me make the same mistakes
Over and over again
Your will be done
And I'll be the one
To make sure the it's carried out
And in me, I don't want any doubt
That's why...

I believe that we all need guidance, especially the people who think they know it all. I always claim to not be religious since I'm not affiliated with any religion and don't attend church regularly, and when I do attend church can't help but feel out of place. My sons paternal grandmother and I had a conversation about that a little while back and I was explaining to her that while I believe in our savior Jesus Christ, I don't have a relationship with Him. I've always wanted one, but because I find excuses not to attend church and not to read the Bible, I know I am the only one standing in my way.

I have so much to be thankful for: My health. The birth of my healthy baby boy. A supportive (sometimes combative) family, a handful (literally) of good people in my life I can call friends, and good sense. I know I owe all of that to Him and his plan for me. My mom says we all come to find our relationship with Christ when we least expect it, and though some folks don't attend church regularly or know the Bible frontward and backwards, when we're ready to accept Him and submit ourselves to Him, it'll just happen. I guess I've been wondering a lot lately when will happen for me. I know a large part of getting things set in motion is allowing the idea to surface seriously in my heart. I have to trust the process.

Tuesday I'm interviewing for an Assistant Manager position at Bank of the West in Hayward. I didn't originally apply for that position, but upon reviewing my resume, the HR recruiter asked me if I'd be interested. I decided to go for it. What have I got to lose? It's better to be over qualified and suggested for something better, than to sell myself short. I know all of that is His work. I've been looking for work to meet my goal of getting back to work by early October, and hopefully if the interview goes well I can get back to work on October 1st. I think I'd be good for the position. Most of why I never applied myself for more when I was with WAMU was because I was convinced (due to my managers doubt in me) that I wasn't ready for more responsibility. I let her bad attitude toward me dictate my own future, and that was wrong. The HR lady saw a lot of potential--potential I didn't see in myself until talking with her about what I had been doing and earning (highway robbery) at WAMU. My family is supportive and along with me, they're confident that I'll be good for the job. Before having the baby, I feared more responsibility because I feared having anything fall on me. But you know, that's life. All I can do is my best and even strive to do better than that.

Today my mother, my son, and I are headed out to Alameda to check out a day care. I'm confident in this place because the woman who runs it has been a colleague and friend of my mothers for ten plus years and though this will be my first time meeting her, I have a good feeling. I know I'll be leaving my son in good hands.

Yesterday the baby and I took our first professional pictures together. The baby took lots of individual ones too and of course I bought a bunch of those. They wont be ready for another week, and when I get them I can't wait to hand them out to family and of course his Godmother down in SoCal.

Next weekend the baby will be blessed at my mothers church. Because I believe that it should be his decision if he wants to be baptised and find his own comfort with religion, I decided to go with a blessing ceremony. I've invited my family and the baby's paternal side as well. We'll see who shows. A bunch of my family will be there because my mom is celebrating her 50th and her sisters are coming to visit and we're having a little family party for her and the day after is the babys ceremony. So it should be a nice time. I wish Esquire could be here for it, but she'll be here for Christmas and she and the baby will finally meet them then.

Well, this has to end, the little one just woke from his nap, so my little me time is over. Ah, the joys of motherhood.

Coming Around Again

2007-09-15T23:50:00.001-07:00

I know a lot of people don't believe in horoscopes, or compatibility written in the stars, but I can't help that I do. I owe it all to my mother whom from what I remember studied astrology. There were plenty of books filling our shelves, and as a child who immersed myself in reading, I read whatever was available. See, as a single mother, my mother didn't have the time (nor the transportation) to take my sister and I down to the library. Heck, I can't even say she even encouraged us to do any leisure reading. She didn't have the time to suggest hobbies for my sister and I. No, my mother had no time but time for work. Not a work aholic, but a woman with no other choice to work. But that's a whole different story.

Anywho, as of late, my horoscopes have been right on. Today's read:
Cancer (6/22-7/22)

Someone in your life is a magnet for emotional intensity and upheaval. Avoid them.

I believe it.

Much in my life has changed since my last post. My son is healthy and getting bigger by the day. He's such a joy. At first my patience was tested and I had to learn to calm down and trust the process. Now at 10wks at motherhood, I think I'm getting the hang of it--or at least coming to grips with the reality that whatever is meant to happen will. I'm really enjoying motherhood. I tell you, that maternal instinct is a trip. The only frustrating--well, more like annoying part of motherhood is the two cents that people want to dish out that is unwarranted. I know some people mean well, but the people who aren't mothers, or haven't raised a child or at least connected to a child and the process of child rearing, I just don't get. I know I'm doing a good job. After all, I'm doing all I can and giving it my all. No half-assing.

On the Flash front, I don't know if I've mentioned in previous posts that he did a complete turn around and of course wants me to reconsider our relationship--or lack of one. But, I'm just not interested. In a way, I feel kind of bad. I had to ask myself was I depriving my son of the family unit I had originally wanted for him, only to now reject his father? I answer that with I'm doing what I feel is best for all parties involved, especially my son. I believe that I am not depriving him, only working to show him that his father and I can still be parents, without being lovers. Flash seems to think otherwise. He claims to be in love with me now more than ever (or never) before. It's not that I doubt he has strong feelings, but I can't sympathize because I'm no longer interested, and have not been interested for some time. Not to mention I know he's realized he's getting older and if he keeps up with the patterns of his past he'll have more "baby-mama's" than he'll know what to do with.

My situation with Dreamy went from shaky before the baby, to complete broken post baby. Dreamy and I moved wayyyyyyyyy too fast and of course I got caught up with feelings only felt by me, and well, when they're not reciprocated, someone suffers. Dreamy went MIA for a while, and now that he's resurfaced just a few weeks ago, my guard is up and my heart can't quite put a finger on what I'm feeling.

Hurt. Disappointment. Anger. Fear. Humility. Yes, I feel all of that still. But so much of my feelings for Dreamy are real and well, you know what they say, you can't help who you love. However, I can say that I didn't "love" Dreamy. Truthfully, I believe that if I had loved him, I wouldn't have felt/feel like I did/do. Strong feelings? Definitely. Though he's come back around and wants to take things slow (really slow) as much as I care for him, my priorities haven't changed. My son comes first.

I've always said that the worst thing a man could ever do to me is disappear--stop communicating all together. I hate being left in the dark wondering what went wrong. But what's even worse is when they come back and feel the need to tell you--and of course it's always your fault. Dreamy and I had an intense conversation in person the other night and though a lot of what should have been said was said, a new sense of myself emerged. As much as I had been previously been open to the idea of dating someone seriously, and having that companionship and exposing my relationship to my son, I'm not so sure how I feel about it. Because of Dreamy's disappearing act, I am not all too enthused of bringing Dreamy (who came to see me and the baby once before the disappearance) around. It hurts when they hurt me, but I'll be damned if I let my son feel the brunt of someone's cold shoulder.

It's funny. When you're hurting and missing someone, you want answers. You want them to come back and want things to go right and start over. At least that's what I thought I wanted. But now that he's back and saying everything I only hoped he'd say, I don't know how to take it all in. I told him I was scared. Scared of? Scared of him. I'm not all to trusting of someone who can be here one minute, and decide not to be here the next, claiming it to be fear.

Now that I've had my son, and after having quite the experience with his father when we were romantically (more like obligated) involved, I look at men and their potential in a whole new light. Not that I'm looking for a man to father my son, but I think about the next man I give my heart to and possibly marry. Character is very important to me. I refuse to experience another pregnancy alone. And I refuse to have a man in my life that doesn't support me and love me because his heart and mind tell him it's right--not because he thinks he's obligated and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Dreamy's unforseen absence and his untimely resurgence caused me to look at him different. For a while I only believed that he was the last man I wanted to date and have father my next child and spend the rest of my life with. Yet, him backing out without the courtesy of a goodbye or mature conversation as an adult, made me think a little less of him and how he may react under pressure. How would he react if I found out I was pregnant with his child? I wondered. What would he do then? Would become Flash? You just dont' know.

I give plenty of thought about my son and the people who will come into his life. I know I can't protect him from everyone, but I can weed out the ones who aren't in his life for the right reasons at my account. My mother never had men coming in and out of my sisters' and my life, and she had damn good reason. Those who don't have good intentions should not be around those you only seek the best intentions for. I'm not saying Dreamy is a bad guy and has foul intentions toward me that will hurt my son, but because I feel so much pain over him leaving me the way he did and popping back up, I can't have that around my son. And if Dreamy cares about me, he'll understand.

Oh dear. So much on the brain.

Trying to find a job. Interviewing next week. Hoping to find something and be good at it. Wanting the best for my son and I. Being a good mother, sister, daughter, friend--person all around. I know we're all flawed, but I'm still striving for only the best. Everyone deserves the best. But the best only comes to those who believe they are worth receiving, and I believe.

I believe.

Me? A Mother?

2007-07-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how one event cannot alter the meaning of your existence as you knew it. On Tuesday, July 3 2007 at 6:05am I gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy weighinh 7lbs 9 oz and 20 inches long. The feeling I had been waiting to feel my entire pregnancy--well life rather--finally occured. For so long I've always looked at the actions I've made in life as incomplete leaving me with more unaccomplished then accomplished, up until the moment my son looked into my eyes for the first time and held on to my finger with his tiny little hand, letting me know that all I had done in life before that moment was no longer relevant. I've gone through every action simply to get him here, and now that he is, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Over the last two weeks I had been feeling sort of down, much like I did in the beginning of my pregnancy, but something about this last weekend lifted my spirits and made me feel confident and accepting that I could not change anything that had been done and to move on and learn from it. There's no need for bitterness or grudges. If you don't let all the hurt go, then you'll continue hurting.

I had a feeling that my son was ready to come sooner than I had expected. It all began last Monday when I endured a small fraction of what labor consisted of. Thankfully that was a false alarm. Over that week and the weekend I had little spurts of pain here and there but just chalked it up to getting ready. Monday morning I had another prenatal visit and the doc examined me and said it could happen this week or the next week (when I was due), so I just took that for what it was. Monday night I found it hard to get comfortable like always, but something about this night was different. At approximately 12:55am, I felt the most painful discomfort since the previous experience, and something told me that this was different. Having a high tolerance for pain, I tried everything to get comfortable, just thinking that if I was already in pain, I had a hard pill to swallow as things progressed. It was all very trippy and emotional. I cried because I couldn't get comfortable, thinking I could sleep through it once I managed to get my mind wrapped around the discomfort. I didn't think I was in labor. After about 2 hours of no relief, I had to get my mom. I was doing so well getting through it by myself-- walking around, squatting, lunges, swaying on all fours, you name it I tried it-- but after a while I just figured my mom could at least comfort me by talking to me through it. My mother, having given birth to two children, recognized right away that this wasn't just about adjusting to my uterus stretching, but that it was labor. How far into it, we both had no idea. My mother called the advice nurse who said that I couldn't be admitted until I was at leat 4cm dialated, but I could at least come in to get something for the pain. I was all for that.

The ride to the hospital was intense. My mother drove like I had never seen before, but I was relieved when a nurse wheeled me away to labor and delivery triage where the admitting nurse hooked me up to the monitors and praised me for being so calm through such big contractions. The next thing I knew the on call doc was checking me and revealed that I was in fact 6cm dialated. After getting an IV for some pain relife, I had to walk myself down to the delivery room (which was good for the delivery now that I think about it). Once I got onto to the delivery bed I was very uncomfortable and the pain that I had managed so well before was starting to take over not just physically but mentally. After proudly refusing an epidural twice, I had to battle with the nurse about having to use the bathroom. The nurse denied my request in fear that I'd bare down and deliver in the toilet, which I promised I wouldn't (but very well could have, lol). The nurse suggest I lay on my side during the contractions, and after rolling my eyes at her for being so bossy at first, the next thing I knew my water broke and this intense feeling of fear came over me. I couldn't believe it was happening. I wasn't ready to push, I thought. I didn't know how, I kept telling myself. Hell, I didn't even know how to breathe properly. Thankfully my mother had given me a crash course before we left for the hospital, and the rubbing she gave to my lower back were a big help.

The doctor came back in to check my cervix when my water broke and then announced that I was fully dialated and it was time. The lights came down, people began to crowd around and the next thing I knew my sons head was beginning to crown. I pushed as hard as I could, and truly felt like I was going to release all of myself (TMI) but that did not happen, it just feels like you have to, lol. After about four pushes, which was most likely ten minutes, the next thing I knew I saw this little being emerge from my body. He was whisked away initially because he had a bowel movement in his amniotic fluid right before I delivered so he needed to be cleared of that right away. I watched from the delivery bed and cried so hard I couldn't speak clearly. The nurse brought him over and that was when it happened...I fell in love. Truly and completely.

After that my son and I went up to my recovery room where thankfully I was alone and we bonded. I couldn't stop looking at him and him at me. It was all so beautiful. Our two day stay in the hospital was very beneficial and much appreciated. I was quite emotional in the hospital when my family left me and him alone, but I needed to be alone with him and learn how to mother on my own.

We've been home since yesterday, where I had the biggest emotional breakdown now that the on call nurses are gone. I'm just worried about the usual stuff, you know, dropping him, is he getting enough milk, am I hurting his circumsized penis, am I hurting his umbilical cord thingy, oh well, I was honestly worried about killing him on accident. My mother assured me that was the usual jitters, and that they would surely pass in the coming months, and I know that, but it's still all so surreal.

He's doing very well. I've decided to breast feed for all of the obvious health benefits, but also because it's said that the bonding is beautiful and thus far it has been nothing but. We had our first little outing today at his doctors appointment and then a quick breakfast, but after today we'll be confined for a little while until I have enough strength to do it all. My mother, bless her heart, has been at my side since the night I called on her for help--well actually, since I told her I was pregnant and keeping the baby-- and unfortunately she's also been the person to feel the brunt of my frustration, but I keep apologizing and she keeps assuring me she understands and it's nothing to her but expected. I love her and I am thankful she is here and willing to help me. She goes back to work Monday, and I hope I can make it without her, and I'm sure I will. She's already spoiled the baby beyond belief. I definitely am no longer her baby, lol.

Well that's my story for now. If don't blog for a while forgive me, I'm pretty occupied right now and every free minute I get I should be resting, but I try to slide in some fun time for me, but I'm seeing that I really should be sleeping. For the last three days I've only gotten about 2 hrs of sleep a night, and maybe a 45 min or so nap in the day when the baby is napping. It's exhausting, but it's all worth it. I'm so happy and so glad I followed this path, regardless of how bumpy the road has been.

Ice Ice Baby

2007-06-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

38 weeks and counting. I must say, it's starting to get hard. I feel heavier than I've ever felt and this summer weather isn't helping me feel any more comfortable. But you know, it comes with the job.

This morning at about 3am I was awaken from my somewhat peaceful slumber by excruciating pains in my pelvis area. Because I had never felt anything remotely close to this out of all of the discomfort I've had thus far, I decided to keep checking the time on my cell phone just to see how far apart these pains were coming along. The pain continued to come in spurts every 8-10 mins. I knew that couldn't be normal because most women who have contractions that close apart pretty much are dialated completley and have the baby soon, but me, I had just started feeling the pain. I endured this pain and discomfort as best I could for about an hour and a half and finally was able to get comfortable enough to get some sleep around 5am. Luckily, my mother who wakes up at the crack of dawn, was up for me to share this news with her and she told me not to worry but to keep monitoring the pain through out the day. Thankfully, I had an appointment scheduled for later in the day and I knew I wanted to bring this up to the doc.

Before the appointment I hadn't felt any more of the pain or discomfort. I got the appointment okay and let the doctor know about what I had felt this morning and how I wanted to be checked just to see if I had dialated any. The doctor checked my cervix and informed me that my cervix was continuing to soften (as it had been 2 weeks ago at that last appointment) but that it hadn't really dialated to a centimeter just yet. However, she relieved my worries by letting me know I had done some work through that pain but not enough for it to be considered dialating but something was going on. She also let me know that the babys head is really far down now so he's ready. I'm expected to deliver in just 2 weeks, but I'm not sure I'll get there after this morning. If I delivered some time this week it would be alright because the baby is at full term, so it's not like he'd be harmed. My mom seems to believe it'll be this weekend, but we'll see.

It's a nice warm day and all I can think about is ice. I've heard about women craving crazy things such as dirt or laundry starch, but I've only been craving ice, and lots of it. I don't know why, but I just find it to be the best part of any drink or I'll just have it alone with know drink. Anywho, I'm off now to get some.

Do you know what if Feels Like?

2007-06-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

Only three days since my last post. No, no signs of labor yet. The former classmate of mine I mentioned last post delivered a healthy baby boy and I'm so happy for her and her husband. But, I'm still kind of wishing I had my baby here too.

Let's see...oh, I got that pedicure on Monday and even went to dinner with my sis and old friend at Horatios in San Leandro. I hadn't been to Horatio's since my eighth grade graduation and remembered it to be good then, but now, not so much. Well, my sis and friend enjoyed their dishes, but my taste buds were not in agreement. That's a place I definitely do not plan on patronizing again. I mean hello, a seafood restuarant with no fried shrimp? Call me picky I guess. If I were not pregnant and warned to be careful of what I digest, I would have taken a chance on some of the selections, but come on, how could they mess up a ham and cheese sandwich?

After dinner I got to see Dreamy and I had a dreamy time. I came home Wednesday morning and Dreamy called me after work and it was nice to seem back on track. However, today, we bounced right off track again. That Enrique Iglesias song is stuck in my head. The title of the song is the title of my post. He basically sings about feeling like someone is throwing you away but you're the last to find out. I wouldn't say that Dreamy is trying to toss me in the dumpster this second, but I think it could happen. I know not where we're headed, and that's so scary. I've had strong feelings for guys before, but none as strong as the feelings I have for Dreamy.

I don't know where I'm going with this post just as much as I don't know where my life is headed. I mean, I know I'm about to be a mother, but other than that, I don't have a whole heck of a lot of plans. I know I'll figure it out in due time.

Let's Get it Started

2007-06-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks since my last entry and my more anxious than ever. I'm officially 9 months pregnant (37) and due to my last appointment where the doc informed me that my little guys head is down--I just know I could go into labor any day now. There's still so much to be done. I haven't even done the maternity ward tour yet. Where has time gone? I still need to back the "It's Time" bag, but I still haven't purchased a nursing bra. Why you may ask? Well, I didn't really pack on the pounds in any other area other than my stomach and since there was no major growth up top, I totally blanked about buying a nursing bra. But I'm getting on top of that this week. Heck, probably tomorrow.

I'm kind of jealous and thankful at the same time. A former high school mate of mine (who I mentioned a few posts back) and I were due with our sons maybe a few days apart. This would be baby number two for her, and baby number one for me. Anyway, I was browsing her myspace and noticed that she mentioned she was already 6 CM dialated. What? Was my first reaction. We're due just a few days apart and her little guy is already making his transition. Crazy. So, I got kind of jealous for a minute because as wonderful and humbling carrying a baby is, I am very uncomfortable and very excited to see my little guy and want to get things started already. Yet, at the same time I am very thankful that I've been very healthy through out this pregnancy and my little one is taking his time. He most likely senses that I still have a few loose ends to tend to before he makes his debut. So, as happy as I am for my classmate (and I know she's extremely prepared being that this is her second) I am also thankful I still have some time.

Last week I started the evening summer school class that was from 7-9:30pm Monday through Thursday, and honestly, after night one, I questioned just how much I could take on. I was looking forward to it though because I've been wanting something to do to keep my mind on other things, but that's just it. Continuing in that class would have gotten me so off track and to think I was going to return to class 2 weeks after delivery? No go. I gave the class a week before I gave up to at least say I tried, but Sunday I dropped it and registered for the online course in the Fall, which will be very helpful. I hate that once again my nearing the completion of my undergraduate studies has been put on hold for a while, but all in all I know I'll finish...someday, lol.

Today I spent the better part of the morning and well into the evening trying to get lots of laundry done, and mainly for the baby. All of the clothes I received from the shower needed to be washed, in addition to a few things handed down. I did some major laundry for the baby a few weeks back when I received a case load of clothes and such. It's so much work. I'm not even finished. I have another load of the babys laundry to get to in the morning, as well as get my own started. But of course, all of the work is worth it. The most dreadful part of doing the wash in toting the basket up and down the stairs. I wanted the downstairs kitchen because of the close proximity to the kitchen and garage where the washer and dryer are housed, but no, my mom insisted I get the upstairs room. Did I mention it's been scorching out here, so being upstairs isn't very ideal for that either.

Tomorrow I plan on getting up before ten to finish the wash and get some of mine done before heading out to San Leandro to meet up with an old friend who wants to give me a gift for the baby, and it'll be nice to see her and listen to her Vegas vacation stories. After that I am supposed to meet up with my big sis for pedicures. Most likely this will be my last professional pedi for a while after the baby comes. I'm not going to have the time, money, patience, or desire to leave the baby to have it done. Most likely my mom will fill in and hook up my toes, she's a sweetie. After the pedi's I may meet up with Dreamy for a bit. It's been a little while since I've seen him with all that's been going on between us, and now that I'm getting close to delivery, I haven't been staying with him because I'm scared of going into labor at his place. It's safe and all, but I just don't want to get into the details of that say it did happen and then Flash questioning me, you know. Besides, Dreamy and I are working on this space thing. We both have a lot going on this summer.

My sisters 27th bday was this weekend and I spent all of it with her. We dined a5t Cheesecake on Friday (her actual bday) and Saturday attended a friends sons 1st birthday, and after that had cake at my moms house. On Sunday I took her to breakfast, gave her a few duckets to splurge on herself and then spent the rest of the day with dear old dad for fathers day. My little sister even came out from her neck of the woods so it was nice for my dad to have us all together at once.

Geez, it's kind of late and I want to wash my hair. I walked into a spider web earlier and have this creepy feeling there are spiders in my hair. I haven't seen any but I'm kind of freaked out. I don't do well with insects, especially when they're on or near me.

To the showers!

The Final Stretch

2007-06-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

Wow, can you believe I'm already 35 weeks? Sometimes it still boggles my mind that in a soon I am going to be a mother. Yes, a mother. In what seems like a short time looking back on it, I went from being me myself and I, to my son and I. Amazing. I tell you, the process of creating a life is a beautiful blessing, but at the same time, I just feel very overwhelmed and unprepared. However, I've always been a firm believer in the saying, "God only gives you what you can handle,". I've recognized that if I do nothing else in this life of mine that is considered of some greatness, bringing my son into this world is what I was planned to do.

As the end--really the beginning--approaches, I have many more questions. Not so much about my pregnancy, but about life and I find myself doing a lot of questioning of others and of myself. What I'm trying to accept most right now is that people show up in our lives for all kinds of reasons, and whether they stay or not there is still something to learn from them being around when they were.

I recently reconnected with two former friends that I had been tight with since middle school. We were quite the trio in high school and well into the beginning of our college life experiences. However, we each grew apart and while a few of us grew closer, I managed to let myself find the distance I always felt was necessary. There's just something about knowing which friends are truly your friends. Not to say these two gals were never supportive or sister like, but most of what I can remember from those supposed supportive days were the negative side bars that they claimed were just honesty, but I've never believed that.

I kind of lost where I was going with that one, but I just wanted to note that I kind of think the reconnection was uneccessary. I entertained the idea because I want to be mature and not hold any hard feelings, and I don't need such karma preparing to bring my son into the world.

On other fronts, things with Dreamy well, aren't really so Dreamy anymore. I don't know. Some might say it's my own fault for getting so close, and others might say it's all him, but regardless I need to swallow the fact that it's been an experience and I don't want to label it good or bad, but just an experience. As far as our relationship status...I personally don't want to throw in the towel, but nothing is easy when you go at it completely alone. I don't feel there's much wiggle room and I don't think Dreamy is even interested in saving anything. Yes, it's only been two-and-a-half months, but the time we spent together in the beginning just made things feel right and it seemed like we had been together longer. I don't know. Relationships? They're not for everybody.

This was kind of a random post. My thoughts are everywhere and I needed something to do. I'm currently on a 12 hour vast (doctors orders) so I can have some blood work done tomorrow morning. After that sample is given, I'll be indulging in something tasty.

I started working as a personal assistant for a family friend and his bakery business, and it should be fun. I get to work at my own pace and with the baby coming, and summer school starting Monday, I'm glad I have something to do just to take my mind off of some hardships and it's nice to have some source of income coming in. Things worked out well with me receiving the little of my 401k that I managed to save in 5yrs. It's nothing spectacular, but right now it's spectacular that I'll have access to the money which has been allocated toward my car notes for the remainder of the year, and that's one less monkey off of my back. My disability payments should kick in about a month or so (or so I'm told) due to the fact that they're backed up and impacted (whatever) so with that little bit I'm planning to be okay. I know I'll be fine, but I'm glad that I'm getting off of my butt and making things happen. My days of procrastinating are over. There's a little guy depending on me to make things happen when they need to happen. There's just no way around it.

Cold Feet

2007-05-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since my last blog, and I didn't think I'd be writing again so soon. Spending time with Dreamy means spending time away from a computer and the internet. Dreamy doesn't have any of that and at first it was kind of blah but now I can appreciate doing other things to occupy my time--television (basic cable at that, ha!)

Now that I have all this free time on my hands, I have absolutely nothing to do. Last Tuesday I started my new life unemployed and after a week of attempting to sleep in, I'm over it. My body is still very much accustomed to waking up before seven and having some where to be and some thing to do. Yes, this new path of life isn't suiting me too well, but I'm adjusting. I mean seriouly, how much more of A Baby's Story on TLC can I sit through.

Saturday was a real nice day. I got to get all dolled up for my cousins wedding and was glad I was able to pull off being eight months pregnant and cute. Not to be cocky, but I think it takes more work when you're pregnant. See, I've never been one of those people with looks that'll get you by no matter what you're wearing. The photographer at the wedding offered me a free maternity session at her studio, and if it weren't way up in Sacramento, I'd be all over it. But it was nice to feel pretty and be told so. Heheheh.

Mothers Day was chill. My sister and I attended my mothers church because my mom tries to get us there whenever she can. My sister and I aren't avid church goers and both feel strangely out of place amongst any congregation, but since it was Mother's Day, we did our part. My mother claimed she wanted us to take something from the sermon, and I may not have, but I was secretly hoping my sister had. She and her now ex boyfriend were on a rough patch until later Sunday evening, but she's working through it. I'm in her corner and support her decision and only want to see her happy. I know she knows what's best for her, if she has to be alone.

This week started off okay. Dreamy and I had dinner at his moms on Monday night, and after freeloading over there, Dreamy and I went to the grocery store and stocked up for ourselves. We pretty much bought the basics, but because we both know economically we can't eat out forever, we bought some staples that we can easily master if we're just patient. Last night we had hot links for dinner, and Friday we're going to attempt to bake some chicken or do tacos, but we'll see.

This evening I had rehearsal for graduation. I decided to do it last minute thanks to the pressure and financial contribution of my overbearing and criticizing father, so there won't be any announcements sent out and just a small number of people know I'm doing it. I didn't really want to because I have so much on my plate already, not to mention I technically wont be done until the end of the year, but my dad persisted and well, I buckled. At rehearsal I ran into a few classmates. Some of the folks I was once really tight with, but as with everything in life, things changed. A few other people I think were being a little fake speaking to me, and honestly I think they wanted to get in my business because I'm pregnant and all, but I have no shame, I sported my belly proudly.

Tomorrow I have my eight months check up and I am still in awe that it's almost time. I have another list of questions for the doctor tomorrow. My biggest questions are about actual labor and delivery. You know, my birthing plan, the structure of things and all of that good stuff. See, I only know some things because of the good old tube, but tv only shows you so much, and when it's actually happening to you, it's a whole different ball game. I know after this appointment, pretty soon the doc is going to need to see me weekly, and that's going to be such a joy considering the rising price of gas. Oh yay! But you know, I have to do what I have to do.

I'm spending a few nights away from Dreamy to you know, give him his space now and then. He never asks me to, but I'd like to keep things that way before he starts dropping hints. Dreamy is going to be at my graduation on Saturday and he'll meet my parents and their significants for the first time. I'm hoping it'll go over well. My dad is rather closed minded, and being that Dreamy and I are an interracial couple, my dad has had plenty to say. However, I don't appareciate my stepmothers rude Latino jokes. Some people really don't get that they're just not funny. The next time she says something out of line, I'm going to have to confront her on it. I plan on having Dreamy in my life for a very long time, and I'll be damned if she, my dad, or anyone tries to disrespect what we have going on.

Every time I come home to my moms I can't help but feel a little somber. As much as I want to psych myself up about the baby coming, I still feel I have so many lose ends to get together before he gets here. Yes, I feel very unprepared. My mother asked me to come home because the crib is supposed to be delivered this week, and I know once we get that bad boy set up, it's really going to set it. I have so much to do to my room. I got the OK to paint it, and I've asked Dreamy to do it, but so much of me just feels burned out and I haven't even really done anything. I guess these are just the ups and downs that I've heard will come toward the end.

Am I going to miss being pregnant once the baby is here? I really don't know. I know I want more children, but I know I want to be a lot more together the next go 'round. I know that having a ring on your finger doesn't guarantee you'll always be happy and feel supported, but I do want to have a family, not a bunch of babies by a bunch of different daddies. My son and I are going to have our own little family, but I know I want it to grow eventually. Dreamy and I speak of our future every now and then, and I know he's recognized that I want to be married some day and have more children, but we both know it is very early for us to be thinking of jumping the broom or having another mouth to feed. This baby will be the test for us. If he can handle me with a baby, then we'll see.

My invites for my shower went out, but my sister only has three or so RSVPs. I hate to think people wont show, but if they don't, that's just something I'll have to face.

Anywho, another thing I don't really care for when I get home is being cold. My mom has hardwood floors and my feet are always chilly. My mom is always griping about me putting socks on, but my feet are starting to swell just a little and socks just make me feel so confined. Dreamy has hardwood floors too and my feet are usually cold over there too, but he's so sweet, he massages them and keeps them warm for me. I just can't stand cold feet. burrr

Turn the Page

2007-05-08T23:24:00.000-07:00

After five years of consecutive employment, today was just the beginning of my new life as an unemployed individual. I know there are many out there in my boat, but since I've never been in this boat, it's weird getting adjusted. Whatever that means.

Yesterday was my last day on the job and well, it couldn't have gone any better or worse. It felt like another work day, but on the forefront of my mind was just the idea that I'd no long be an employed of WAMU. I can't say I ever truly enjoyed the job, but I learned a lot. I don't even know if I can say working there for so long helped mold me as a person, when in actuality I feel the job dragged me down and made me doubt my own potential. Now that I'm passed that, I need to turn the page and be positive about my goals and what I know I am capable of acheiving. Not just for me anymore, but for my baby boy who is depending on me to set postive and healthy examples.

Speaking of my baby boy, here we are at week 31. Yes, eight whole months. It's getting close. As if I didn't watch enough TLC and Discovery Health Channel before I got knocked up, I find myself watching more and more of it subconsciously. I'm confident that I'll have a successful delivery and my son will come into this world healthy and just as he should. A lot of people have been asking me lately am I opting for drugs during labor or do I plan to go natural? And I have the same response for everyone. I plan on going through labor as natural as I can, considering the medications they pump through the IV's to soothe the discomfort, however, I am open to the idea of an epidural if I feel strongly about not being able to proceed naturally. There a lot of pros and cons about going natural or with an epidural, but I plan on making the decision after a good amount of consideration. I don't want to plan for an epidural right away before I even know what my body can tolerate. It disheartening that some of family members are all assuming I'm going to opt for the epidural without a second thought, but I'm trying not to digest their negativity and simply cannot wait until it is their turn to be in my shoes.

As if the arrival of my first born isn't emotionally overwhelming, there are still a lot of other areas in my life that need to be addressed. I wont go into too much detail, but I'll simply highlight a thing or two. Money; we all have our ups and downs. This week I'm on a slight up because I am on top of some very major things like my car note, but we'll see what the coming weeks will bring. Love; isn't that all we need? I'm still learning to love myself and I need to get it together as soon as possible. I want my son to know he has a confident and strong mother who loves him and will do anything for him. I know no one is perfect, but I at least want to be as good as I can. Dreamy is still in the picture, but as I get closer to my delivery date, I feel the distance coming on. Dreamy knows there will be some distance once the baby comes and he is in no way trying to compete with who gets the majority of my time. I wont lie, I am going to miss his company very much, but I know he'll visit. As time goes on, we'll find time for us...whatever that means. I'm working on aligning my priorities and following through. A lot of people talk big game about their priorities and obligations, but do a half ass job on them. I don't want to be that way. Family; what can I say, after nearly twenty-four years with these people, they still get on my nerves. My relationship with my father has always been a soft spot, but a lot of people know that he's around, but I wouldn't be so quick to say he's been much of a father figure. It was hard telling my father about my pregnancy, but I find it even harder trying to still prove to him that I made the right choice. I get the sense he's still hoping to be able to say, "I told you so,". My mother and I are still a little strained. I sense a lot of doubt coming from her as well. Sure, she's done and continues to do a lot and be as encouraging as she can, but honestly she's becoming one of those people who will enocourage and support you, but only if you do it their way, and if you don't, well then, "I told you so." My sister...well, what can I say? We're really close and just as I was born for her, I still feel very much obligated to her. I love my sister dearly and I don't know where I'd be if she weren't here to set the bar and let me learn from her mistakes, yet I can't help but continue to feel stuck in the little sister box forever. As much as I want to continue confiding in here, I try to keep some things to myself because after a while, "I told you so," just gets old. The one big thing that bothers me about my sister is she treats me foul sometimes, but when others, most importantly her boyfriend, treat her wrong, she never lets them know, but with me, I get the book thrown at me--literally. My sister has anger management issues that she's been working on. Over the years (thanks to living in separate dwellings) she's improved, but as I get older and prepare to start a new family, I don't want my son seeing his mother put down forever by her own sister. I love my sister to death, but I can't help but think that she believes she has the authority to run my life simply because she's older. It's not fair.

Lastly, Flash. He hasn't been the main subject for a while and that's definitely a sign of progess...for me at least. Flash continues to be quite the character. Before he was playing the role of villain and now he's the victim. I feel somewhat obligated to tolerate his bull because of our son coming into the world and my want for peace, yet I still cannot overlook all that has happened before hand, and simply want to say tough luck. Flash and his revelation to want me back in his life as not only his sons mother is clouding my judgment. What I wanted from him months ago, he's now ready to give. What I needed from him months ago, he's now ready to provide. What I had planned for "our" future, he's ready to make it happen. Yet, now that I don't quite care for any of it, he wont let me out. See, I let him go. You know, going with that whole saying if you love something let it go and if it comes back then well...you know how it goes. When I let him go, I never expected him to come back--especially not like this. What's most important is that when I let him go, I didn't realize it at the time, but I was letting the me that I knew that was consumed with him go as well, and the me then is not the me I want to be now or ever again, and being with Flash or even allowing him to have such a presence in my life, bring those feelings of the old me back on. I'm finding there's something far greater that waiting around for love to find me, it's about finding myself.

And now that I've said that, I want to speak on something I came upon the other day and needed a few days to gather my thoughts. Esquire, you are such a great person and I commend you for being so real and so honest with yourself and others. I read your last post and I touched by your honesty, yet sad because you have to be the one going through it. I know everyone has their troubles and no ones troubles should be considered more or less troubling than the next, but whenit comes to you, I feel you are taking a lot on your shoulders and have been through so much and don't deserve the pressure. I know I'm really bad about communicating. Heck, I've known you for years and still I send emails or comments when I know I should be picking up the phone to actually talk to you. I wish we were closer and I wish I still wasn't shy about reaching out. I don't want to sound cliche and say "If you ever need me, just call," but I can't verbalize my feeling any other way at this time. I just have a fear that when I reach out to folks, they wont respond because I'm not really the one they want reaching out to them. However, I need to get over that and just reach out because you never know who may need you right when you least expect to be needed. I believe things for you will get better. You have a strong faith base and I believe that your confidence and determination will get you through any and all of your rough patches now and later. We definitely need to get together when you get to town, we're long overdue.

Over It

2007-04-27T11:27:00.000-07:00

In regards to my complaining in my last blog about some of issues with my pregnancy, I am so over them all. I had an appointment on the 19th with a really cool doctor who was seeing me because my regular doc is on vacation. Anywho, this doctor made me feel really good and noted my progress. I also got to ask all of the questions on my list and I'm very content with the answers. Since my last appointment I've gained six pounds, my blood pressure is good, I'm not a diabetic (which they had some concern about and made me take a glucose test) and the baby is at a good size. Also, the doctor said the size of my belly was right on for my frame and not to worry about feeling too small. The doctor surprised Flash (yes, he came along, at his own request) and I by letting us see the baby via ultrasound. See, I had asked the doc about having another ultrasound because a lot of women I've talked to about their pregnancy always mention they had more than one. Well, my doctor set it straight and said that if the doc's didn't recommend it, then I didn't need one. The doc said that women who have more than one ultrasound (or even more than two) must need to for health concerns like the baby dropping size all of a sudden. This doctor assured me that things in the womb were A-okay and that it wasn't necessary to have another one (unless something comes up later, and there is a chance of having one toward the end). But she brought in the ultrasound machine for the fun of it. I was glad because I hadn't seen my little guy since February and well, Flash hadn't seen him at all. I hadn't expected to see him that day so it was a nice surprise. Flash was very excited and when the doctor pointed out that it was for sure a boy, Flash lit up. I tell ya, men and their sons, lol.

My next appointment isn't until the middle of next month, and next month is right around the corner, geez. However, I did have to go in yesterday to talk to my doc about how stressed I've been. I've been very stressed when it comes to work, figuring out how I am going to finish school by December of this year, and well, it's stressing thinking about how drastic my life is going to change or has changed. My doc gave me a few days off from work for me to calm down and not work myself up and cause the baby to be stressed. The last thing I want is to have a baby stressed and delivering too soon. I'm working with my stress in moderation and trying not to let myself get so overwhelmed over nothing really, it's just jitters.

Now for the big announcement. After five years of service, I've resigned from my position at the bank. The biggest stress in my life for the last five years has been my job that I've been beyong unhappy with, but because I've felt so obligated I've stayed on and endured it, but now, there's someone else who I am definitely obligated to, and responsible for taking care of and my job at the bank was not going to allow me to a very good job emotionally or financially. Thakfully I am blessed with a very loving and supportive mother who has been on me about quitting my job for the longest and just taking the rest of this year to focus on the birth of my son and finishing school. It was a hard thing to do, but Monday I turned in my two weeks. My plan now is to focus primarily on all things baby and this summer succeed in summer session, and in the fall, finish up strong. I've got a lot of people supporting me and that means a lot right now. Financially, there will be some tough moments but my mother and I have agreed to work it out as best we can. The plan is for me not to return to work until the beginning of next year. However, I know me and well we'll see how long that holds up. As much as I would love to just be a student and just do homework, I still have things and now most importantly someone to consider, so if not the first of '08, then definitely by Octobers end.

In regards to baby plans, my mother and I finally started working on those shower invites. I didn't realize how picky I was until I started working on them with my mom. My mom is very creative and has a side business in making announcements, invitations, and whatever else. She didn't really throw herself into her small business until last year when my Sorority sisters wanted announcements for their graduations but didn't want to pay an arm and a leg, so I referred my mom who did a great job. Before that job my mom was just doing business cards and letter heads for folks and me and my sisters announcements back in high school. This year she kind of laid low after working really hard on a memorial spread for a close family friend. Now, she's back in the swing of things for this shower. The invitations are very nice I think and I can't wait for folks to get them. They should be in the mail no later than Monday.

Speaking of my shower, I'm not sure how many people are going to show up, but I'm just excited about sharing a little of my pregnancy with people I consider close and have been there for me and are very encouraging. The girls at work that I'm cool with are planning a little something for me next Friday before I leave the bank, and I'm looking forward to that to. I wont lie, I'm a tad bummed that a certain chum of mine cannot attend, but I totally understand, and I'll celebrate with her in spirit. She'll be in town the following weekend so I'll definitely see her then. One of my aunts who I'd really love to be there, but lives in Texas, may surprise me so I'm still hoping for that too. Flash is going to be in attendance and I've extended the invitation to his family. It may be a little awkward, due to the fact that our families will be meeting for the first time. Flash is going to be meeting both of my mom and dad for the first time...good luck to him, lol, just kidding. I know it'll be alright. My shower wasn't originally supposed to be co-ed, but I want my dad there, and now Flash wants to participate, and well I told him he could bring a male friend (one of the god-fathers) and well my sisters boyfriend will be there because he's the other god-father, and one of my moms oldest friends is coming and he's a guy, so it should be alright.

Hmm, what else? Oh, I know. Things with Dreamy and I are getting better. We had a little rough patch to work our way through (not around) and now we're better. I had to apologize to Dreamy for being such a grouch and stressing so much, but he was there for me and he's very understanding. This weekend he's painting the spare room in his house so I'm keeping my distance because of the fumes and all, but Sunday we've promised to spend all day together, just me and him, and I'm looking forward to it. Have you ever felt instantly better by someone's touch? Or their kiss? Well, I have, all with Dreamy. He truly is Dreamy.

Oh, and to end this, I must mention how much I love Katharine McPhee's song "Over It" The melody is really nice and she has a good voice. I mean, she's now Kelly Clarkson, but the girl cheered me up the other day when her song came on and it was instant Karaoke time, lol.

Just Breathe

2007-04-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

First, let me say people are right when they say at some point you'll be tired of being pregnant. This week marks 7 months which gives me only two to go. My mom assures me these two months are going to drag, and if I was tired of carrying the extra weight, the frequent visits to the restrooms during all hours of the night, and the impossibility of having a good night sleep, just wait. All of the books I read (just 2 really, and a bunch of websites) claimed trimester one was the roughest with morning sickness, nausea and all of that, but that trimester two was the feel good trimester, and I have mixed emotions about that (blame it on the hormones) but trimester three is supposedly the roughest. It's said that in trimester three some of the ickyness I felt in the first trimester will return, and I for one am not looking forward to any of it. As much as I want my son to be here in my arms, I'm terrified of labor and delivery, and even more terrified thinking of when I bring him home from the hospital and all the real work begins. Though it's a strange way of thinking, at least for some it might be, I can compare pregnancy to joining a fraternity of sorority.

My experience entering my sisterhood was very different from a lot of folks, but also very much the same. Of course I can't go into too much detail about that process, but let me just break it down for how I am going to compare it to my pregnancy. In the beginning, you're very curious and do tons of mentally preparing for this new found journey. Next, you begin to work towards accomplishing what you know you need to in order to come out successfullu, then in the end you're elated and so proud of yourself for pulling through and making it. But after all is said and done, the REAL work begins. It's work you've told yourself you are prepared for and dedicated to, but when you realize just how much work it is, you really see how much of yourself you're willing to put in, and you notice the lack of work put in by others who at one point claimed to be as dedicated as you.

Now, let there be no doubts on how dedicated I am to my Sorority. Just to show how dedicated I am (even with a baby on board) I was elected President of my chapter. A task that clearly a lot of people did not want because of the work load. As soon as I began my administration, I learned quickly how very alone I was (and still am) but still do my part as best I can.

Anywho, back to what I originally wanted to write about. So yeah, seven months pregnant. This week I have my 7month check up and I believe after this visit I believe the more frequent visits begin. I don't mind the visits, it's just honestly, I feel rather rushed and I leave with a lot of questions unanswered, or I leave confused by the answers. I end up asking my mother a lot of things that she can only answer based on her experience 27 years ago. Times have changed and so has lot of practices regarding pregnancy and childbirth. Anyway, I'm just taking my own experience one day at a time, so that the next go 'round (yes, there will be more later...much later) I can look back on my own experience and learn from it.

Don't think I'm not appreciative to have had a very complicated pregnancy this far, but sometimes I just can't help but complaining about what I'm going through. For example, the whole weight gain? Where the heck is the weight. I know I eat, because I've splent plenty of money of food. But where is the weight? Where are my boobs? Yes, where are my boobs? I feel like there's something wrong with me because the weight isn't piling on in any of the areas it's supposed to. My mom says that milk won't come until the baby comes or something like that, so I guess I have two more months for those to come. But as far as the weight? I feel really awkward when people ask if I'm only three or four months along, and I'm like no, I'm seven. I received a nice compliment yesterday from a customer at my job who said she had never seen a pregnant woman as neat as me. That was much better to hear than, "You're so tiny," like it's a bad thing. I know it's a blessing to be all baby, but sometimes I wonder if that's best for the baby. Anyway, I'm just rambling.

Enough sitting up for now. Back to lying down. Baby's orders.

All I Wanna Do...

2007-04-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, but when you're alone or either waiting on someone or something, time just drags? No? Well, it does for me. I've always wanted to claim I'm patient, but truly I am not. It's funny though because I'm the biggest procrastinator and I waste time like no one else, but sometimes I just like to do nothing, think nothing, and just be. Just be me without worried about time.

Speaking of time. Easter Weekend I spent with Dreamy and his family in So.Cal and had a good time. I didn't really think about the lack of extra time I'd be getting in Los Angeles since we were all so pressed for time. We headed out of the Bay Area on Friday evening arriving close to midnight, and leaving Sunday afternoon around 4ish. Saturday we spent a good chunk of the day at Universal Studios, and that night heading into the AM we spent with Dreamy's family at a little birthday shindig for one of his cousins. Because of the loud music and drinking going on (nothing scary) I spent my time indoors with the younger cousins (under 15 crowd) being a girly girl and talking about nothing. Remember those good old days.

Dreamy and I are quite serious, and well this weekend was an interesting one. I can say we got closer and in some ways, we kind of put some distance between us. Sounds weird? Yeah, well imagine feeling it but not being able to explain it. Dreamy and I spend a lot of time together during the week. Because he has his own house and lives alone, he and I are always cuddled up on the sofa trying to watch a movie or show in between dozing off because we're so tired (him from work, me from being pregnant). I really love being around him, and it makes me feel good that he WANTS me around and in his space, but lately I've been feeling like I need to take a huge step back. I want to put all of my roller coaster emotions on being pregnant and feeling up one minute and way down the next, but aside from having a bun in the oven, I've always been an emotional person. Nothing bad happened this weekend where I don't want to be with him anymore or that I found out something that I wish I hadn't, but I just got weird.

Dreamy and I are very open with each other and very honest. We talked about this weekend and though it wasn't an argument it was something. Basically, I don't know how to express how I feel with just coming out and saying it. Beating around the bush is what I know best. Though I hate using my past relationships (if you can even call them that) as my crutch, but I'm really not used to having someone in my life who listens to me and is taking note of how I feel. Dreamy is no Flash. And because I had allowed myself to be so accustomed to the ick Flash was dishing out, I've come to believe that I don't know how to be in a relationship.

I'm back at home now and wont see Dreamy again until Friday. I'm taking him out this time. Dreamy is very caring and very nurturing, but I don't want him to think he has to pamper me. He claims he likes to and it's in his nature to nurture and do things for me, but I want him to know he's appreciated and that though it's nice, I'm not used to it, so it's an adjustment. Friday after our date, I'm going to come home and not stay over as I have been for the last few weeks, practically living with him. Dreamy and I like the feeling of waking up together, but I don't want to overstay my welcome or get on his nerves. Yet, because we have been together a lot, I find myself always thinking about being with him. Weird.

When I'm alone, I'm left with my thoughts. It's not a bad thing, but sometimes I'll get so caught up in my thoughts that I start to depress myself.

I'm 27weeks pregnant now and starting to get scared. When I watch a Baby Story on TLC now, I get all teared up when it's time for the women to deliver. Yes, I am scared of labor and delivery. I am scared of leaving the hospital with my baby. I am scared over it all. But, I'm learning that it's okay to be scared, but to go with and make it work. My mom tries to comfort me with her stories of when she had my sister and me and how she felt, but my mother and I are two different people, and have two different experiences. I'm really excited to have my son, but at the same time I'm a little frightened about doing things right--not perfect, but right. Where and I going with this?

Dreamy has really bonded with my belly. Dreamy doesn't have any children, but wants at least one down the road. We've discussed a lot of things, but we know that it's all down the road.

Since I briefly mentioned him a paragraph ago or so, I'll do a tad update. As for Flash, that saying "They always come back," is definitely the case. Though, I'm stronger than I gave myself credit for because he's def. not what I want right now. As for his feelings about fatherhood, he wants to step up to the plate. He has said he will be there at my next appointment (next week) and he wants to be my lamaze partner and be there for the birth. That's a big change. Flash claims he wants to be better and prove so and so to me now, but regardless of Dreamy being in te picture, that's a risk I'm definitely not willing to take. I explained to Flash that romantically, it just isn't in the cards for us, at least in my hand, but as parent, we can still be good parents and even friends. If we're going to have separate homes, our son doesn't have to feel any hostility or tension or feel like he is the cause. Flash isn't fully accepting of my new found confidence and the choice that I have made to go forward with only accpeting him as my sons father and nothng more, but at this point, it's kind of like I don't know what to tell him. He wants more now,but I don't have anything else to give him but friendship. Where am I going with this.

On the baby front. My little guy is very active and loves to make his presence known. It's rather cute when he gets to kicking or moving about when I rub my belly or when Dreamy talks to the belly, but it's also kind of creepy when I'm trying to enjoy a meal but can't sit still because my litle guy is bouncing about making me woozy or he's putting pressure on my bladder and I have to run to the ladies room constantly, but you know, it comes with the package so what can you do. The only thing I wish he'd give me is more hours in the night to sleep. If I'm not jumping up to answer natures call, I'm tossing and turning because he's up for play time, while I'm trying to get some sleep time. I guess I'm just on the practice round. This summer, there will be no mercy. Sleepless nights, here I come. Bring it on.

Kismet

2007-03-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard a song playing over and over in your head? But the funniest part about it you haven't actually heard the song for a long long time? Well, that's what I'm experiencing right now.

I know it's been a while since my last post, but the last 20 days have been beyond believable and things are only getting better.

I had my date with Dreamy on his birthday and it was very sweet. We had dinner at the Olive Garden where I secretly arranged for the waiters to sing happy birthday after our meal. Dreamy was very pleased with that. After dinner we checked out the movie 300 and it was good. A little more gore than I care for, but the cinematography was right on and well I can appreciate that. After dinner Dreamy and I parted ways of course but after that spoke soon. That same weekend (on a Sunday) he drove me out to Half Moon Bay to eat at this quaint little Mexican food restuarant and it was very sweet. The ice had been broken over Olive Garden so we were quite comfy. After lunch we headed out to Montara beach not too far away and just sat in the sand and talked about how happy we were that we finally went out after beating around the bush for the last four--almost five years. It was a very pretty day and we ended the day by watching movies back at his house and having good conversation which was good since the movies we chose were so horrible.

To make a long story short, I've been spending a lot of time with Dreamy over the last 3wks and I've fallen. Dreamy is more than what I could have asked for but it's so refreshing to have someone in my life that I feel was brought in my life at the right time and for the right reasons. Things with Dreamy are basically serious now and yeah, some could argue that's it's too soon and that I should be careful and yada yada yada, but at the same time I'm going with the feeling and appreicating my blessings now before I regret missing out on them later.

Dreamy is very understanding and accepting of my situation and wants very much to be apart of my life and the baby's. No, we're not eloping next week or even heading down the aisle (just yet) by the end of the year, but we are very serious. Dreamy and I were kind of in the same boat about relationships until we opened up to the idea of just giving it another chance, and we're glad we did. I could go on and on about me and Dreamy, but part of me feels like that would be trying to justify something and I honestly don't feel a need to. I'm grown and sane and know right from wrong, and this feeling feels so very right.

Next weekend I'm heading down with Dreamy and his fam (who most of which I met and they seem to like me, lol) to Universal Studios and to spend the Holiday in So.Cal and that should be fun. My doctor said it was alright for me to travel, and as much as I love the rides and attractions at Universal Studios, of course I'll be watching other folks and holding purses, but I don't mind. All of the Mommy books I've been reading have recommended taking a small vacay before the baby comes to enjoy your last little bit of alone time. I had been trying to arrange something for my sister and I to get into, but she gets preoccupied with her boyfriend so I wasn't sure if that was going to ever happen, but when Dreamy and his fam invited me along I was more that obliged. I know I'll have a good time, and hopefully Esquire and I can make some time for each other. So if you're reading this Esq. let me know what that weekend is looking like for you and if you'll even be in town. I know how busy you are.

That is all.

Little Fingers, Little Toes, Little Hands, Little Nose

2007-03-06T10:41:00.000-08:00

After a refreshingly quiet weekend, I am ready to get this week started. Why? Well, this weekened isn't any different that the last, but it's another week to look forward to and expect the next. See, I'm 22 weeks now, and can you believe in just two weeks I'll be six months pregnant? Time sure does fly. Granted, the first month and half I didn't know I was pregnant, but once I learned of my situation I've been tracking the progression and can't believe it'll be delivery day in no time. A lot of my high school classmates (yay '01) are having babies this year. Two gals, who are sisters, that I keep in touch with via myspace are expecting this year and I think that's neat. One gal already has a little girl that was born last year, but she's already expecting her second, a little boy in July just like me. While the other sister just had her baby girl just about a week ago. So exciting. It's so funny how all three of us (the two sisters and myself) all graduated high school together the same year, and our three little ones will graduate the same year too (but probably not from SL).

Today I'm going back to Babies R Us for Day 2 of registering. I also set up my Target registry online, though I'm not really sure if I'll be needing to really register there being that Babies pretty much has everything, you know. I'm swooping my mom up from her job Downtown and we're going to head to Old Navy in San Leandro first to pick up some much needed maternity additions (work pants and a comfy pair of jeans) and hopefully I can sneak in something extra (like a few more tops). After Old Navy I'm going to take my mom out to the somewhat new Target on Hesperian in Hayward. See, I love Target, but I can't stand a messy one. I remember when the Target at Bayfair opened and everyone flocked to it because it was new and neat, now, not so much. It's still nice and all, but it's starting to feel cramped like the Wal-Mart in San Leandro on Davis. Wow, remember when that opened? Anyhow, the new Target on Hesperian replaced the old one. This new one was built right where the old Festival Movie Theatre used to be. Oh, what memories, lol. After looking around that Target we're going to do the registering (hopefully complete it...at least until I think of other things) and then come on home.

This weekend I finally got around to getting ALL of my laundry done. I mean everything. Initially I was turned off by the idea of washing so many clothes (most of which I can't fit anymore) but I did it because my room was starting to look like a messy teenage boys. My mom was giving me a hard time about my room and so to make everything peaceful again, I just got it done and straightened up my room as best I could. She seems pleased with it. I've been going on and on about how I would like to get a closet organizer so that the baby and I can have more space (more so for him, than me). I'd love to have one of those professional organizers from California Closets or somewhere like that to come in and plan something, but I do live on a budget and well, I'll most likely settle for the organizers from IKEA that require assembly of my own, lol.

I've been eyeing my room because I have an idea of how I want to set up the Baby's area, but I go back and forth about it. My room isn't huge, but there is a good deal of space. I just want everything to be functional and still have some floor space for him to be busy on when we're lounging in my room (where we'll be most of the time because of my allergies toward the four cats that also occupy this house).

My Saturday was really special. I have this customer at the bank that I've had my eye on for years because I find him rather dreamy, but of course I never had the nerve to strike up a conversation that didn't concern banking. See, it's hard to tell with some customers who is single because asking would seem a bit intrusive as their banker, and also embarassing if they don't seem interested. Anywho, this customer comes in every Saturday, and most times I luck up and get to help him, and if I don't, he and I both make it a point to at least wave hello or goodbye to. But this Saturday I was more than lucky. Saturday was pretty busy and I saw my dreamy customer in line and I realized that I might not get him this Saturday, but I did wave from my post and he smiled and waved back. Then, as I was helping another customer and the line kept moving, I noticed my dreamy was at the top and was letting people go ahead of him so he could get me, I was so happy, but tried not to show it, though I'm sure he saw me blushing. Yes, I get read in the face.

Dreamy comes to my window and we do the usual formalities and I process his transactions and ask him how he's been an yada yada yada. Then, as I'm finishing, I feel bad because I moved too fast and didn't savor the moment long enough. Next thing I know, Dreamy doesn't hurry off but insteads asks me if I'd be interested in going out for coffee sometime. Of course I said SURE. I wrote down my number and we agreed to talk later (I didn't think that day). After he was out of view, I gushed to my co-workers who all pretty much know the deal about Dreamy, and were so excited, but they all felt my sizzle fizzle when I said, "Now all I have to do is tell him I'm pregnant,". Most of the customers have noticed my lovely baby lump, but some haven't or at least don't want to insult me by questioning the lump if I'm not preggers, but I didn't know if Dreamy had noticed.

Later Saturday Dreamy called me up and left a message and I returned the call and we had a brief convo. Since Saturday was pretty much over we agreed to talk the following day to maybe set something up. Saturday night I couldn't sleep a wink. Mainly because of the baby and trying to position myself correctly and comfortably, and the other reason because I was trying to figure out how to tell Dreamy about my situation. There was no one to talk to about it really because no one I know right now is in my position, so I as left to my own thoughts. After hesitating on calling him Sunday (because I told him I'd call him to let him know if I was free Sunday) I finally called him. We made small talk at first and then when he brought up going out for coffee or dinner, I decided to tell him and get it out of the way. I informed him that I didn't want to consider it bad timing because my pregnancy is not a bad thing. I wanted him to know that though I was interested in getting to know him, I wasn't interested in him thinking I was trying to marry him up and find a daddy for my child. And of course I said this in a nice mature fashion. Dreamy informed me that he had noticed my baby lump and just figured I'd tell him when I was ready and that me being with child was not a problem and that he still wanted to get to know me and hang out. I found all of this to be very great, and well, mama's got a date on Friday (which is also Dreamys 26th bday).

Though I'm not looking for a new love interest, I am always interested in making a new friend. Dreamy could turn out to be just a great friend or who knows, he could end up more (way way down the line). My priority is my son and being a great mommy and I can't have anything side tracking me or trying to change my plans. I've dealt with enough of that from Flash and I refuse to subject myself to more torment (okay, a bit dramatic, but you get the idea). Dreamy seems like a cool guy and well, we both told each other how we had been wanting to say something to each other for years (as long as I've been working there) but were worried whether the other had another or something like that. I don't want to say I don't have my hopes up about Dreamy, because I don't expect the worst either. I'm just going into as hey, you never know what could happen. But hear this, no one, not even Flash can deter my priorities and responsibility toward my son. I a mother first. My son comes first, and his health and happiness come before mine and all others.

Sunday was pretty cool too because I spent a good twenty minutes watching my lovely baby lump move from the baby kicking and making me tear up. It's an overwhelmingly beautiful experience, and until you experience it, there's nothing else as precious.

It's the First of the Month...So cash your checks and come up!

2007-03-01T18:19:00.000-08:00

My rainy weekend ended okay. My sis, future nephew and myself browsed the shops at Sunvalley Mall in Concord after a disappointing lunch at Red Robin. I think the baby is starting to tire of hamburgers because the one I tried to eat was less than edible. Anyhow, I did make sure to eat the chicken tenders my future nephew wasn't interested in. Kids, aren't the swell? Watching my future nephew (my sisters boyfriends son) enjoy the coloring rather than his meal gave me something to look forward to as a parent...wasting. My, my, I know I was big on wasting when I was a tot. My mom was no joke though. She simply doggie bagged up what I hadn't finished and informed me that would be my dinner...and it always was. It didn't help much that I was and still am a picky eater, and quite finicky too. Still to this day I have a thing about certain foods touching each other if I hadn't arranged in such a way. Anal? Oh well.

I managed to find some decent tops from Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe in larger sizes that fit pretty comfortably. The only thing that has been continuing to grow is my stomach, but I'm still waiting on the boobage to come in. The tops I bought are definitely for when Spring officially arrives, but until then, they have to be worn with a sweater.

My work week started off rather drab. Monday was my last day of hair woes for a while. Rocking a press is hard to when you're: 1) tender headed, and your hair is thicker than wool after a good wash and condition, 2) hard to maintain living in the misty Bay Area, where when you leave the house the sun is shining, but by the time you have your lunch break, it's windy and wet and you become poofy, and 3) Five months pregnant and don't have enough energy to style your hair every morning when you only have ten minutes to spare before heading out the door because it took you way too long to get out of bed this morning, and cover your whole body in lotion to prevent stretch marks. Thankfully Tuesday my braids were back. Though convenient, having a fresh braided head made it more difficult to adjust to the already sleepless nights.

Today was my day off and after much debate in the late night hours (trying to position my belly just so) I decided to treat myself. The Mocha Manual (that I've pretty much finished) insists on doing as much for yourself now when your time is still yours. I felt very productive today. I woke up, showered, dressed and headed out the door to the Old Navy in San Leandro to check out their Maternity section. The website left me less than impressed, but I've always been an up close and personal person so it's hard for me to shop online. Thankfully, some of the clothing in the store looked a lot better up close. I came out with four tops, and tomorrow on pay day I'm heading back for a few more. Not to mention, the maternity jeans there are very reasonably priced. I have to keep reason in mind since it is my mother who said she wanted to help me purchase my maternity clothes. Just a few of the basics, not a full fledged wardrobe. I can still wear a lot of my regular clothes thankfully. I've never been a person who wears tight fitted clothes, so pretty much most of my stuff fits loose still, or well enough.

After Old Navy, I treated myself to lunch alone at Chevys in Bayfair. I sat in the cantina and enjoyed my chicken fajitas while I watched some ESPN. Granted, I couldn't hear a thing, but luckily the television was set to caption mode, so I pretty much got what was going on. After Chevys I was stuffed, and was tempted to walk around Bayfair to let my food digest and get a good workout, yet I opted to get my workout walking around Babies R Us in Emeryville to continue working on my registry. I started it online, but like I mentioned earlier, I like to see things up close. The staff at Babies, were more than helpful, yet I still felt lost checking things off of the what to register list that is provided. My mom and I had said we'd get to it next week, but since I had the day off and time to spare, I just wanted to get a head start. Not to mention I wanted to do something for the baby today as well as me. However, I did get a little discouraged as I walked around solo and noticed all of the families or couples together. I know, I know, what works for some doesn't work for everyone. At least that's my new mantra. Positve thoughts! I updated my registry with what I thought was pretty good for being on my own, but I definitely need an experienced person to tag along. I'll most likely get back there next week with my mom. It's just so hard keeping her undivided attention because she caters so much to her partner, who I wouldn't have a problem with if there was some reciprocation. As much as our parents want us to be happy, we want the same for them.

After Babies I stopped by the grocery store near home to pick up a last minute craving, chocolate syrup, and came home and had a fat glass of chocolate milk. My cravings are so funny. At one point all I wanted was bagels and cream cheese, then grilled cheese sandwiches, and later just peanut butter sandwiches. I haven't had a craving for anything worthy of the gross factor, but I'm still waiting to get my hands on some vanilla ice cream served with fortune cookies crumbled on top, yum!

Tomorrow is work, and thank goodness it's payday. At least there's something to look forward to. I'm scheduled to work a full eight hours, but we'll see what those managers of mine have to say. I think I'll be staying being that it's the beginning of the month and all. I'm so happy I didn't have to work today, but I'm dreading Saturday the 3rd because that's Social Security day and believe me, he elderly get ugly about their money.

Bills! Bills! Bills! Yep, my paycheck will be eaten up mostly by my expenses, but after losing my car, I am staying on top of things for sure this go around. Things can only get better when I believe they'll get better, and I am affirming that everyday is a better day and it's blessing to see it.

Over and out!

Rainy Weekend

2007-02-25T08:54:00.000-08:00

Of course it's raining in the Bay Area, but today I don't mind it so much.

My last post was quite emotional and I spent the rest of the day being kind of mopy, but I picked myself up by Friday. My dear friend Esquire gave me a nice pep talk via0comment so I started to feel better. Friday I had my fourth prenatal appointment and that went well. Because there's some mix up with my doctors, the doctor I had been seeing I won't be seeing anymore, long story. I'm kind of bummed about it, but there are bigger issues in the world so I won't press it. I have a new date. It's July 9th, which I had thought all along according to those baby websites and such. My doctor confirmed that I was right, and that her ultrasound machine at my first visit must have miscalculated according to my last cycle. It's only a week difference, but it's just better to know. The chances of me actually delivering on 9th are very slim, but it's better to have a date for maternity leave purposes.

Speaking of leave which refers to leaving work, just when I thought things were turning around at the old bank, I was once again reminded to never give up my back up plan. So yes, back on the job hunt grind. My mom thinks I should stick it out with my current job until I go on leave and then while on leave find a new job so I don't have to go back to the bank, but I kind of want to find something now so I'll have something concrete to go back to once the baby is here. Not to mention, while I'm on leave this summer I am going to attempt to take a summer school course and hopefully the professor is pretty understanding when I have my son and let me turn in most of the course work via mail. But we'll see. I still have to do a fall semester anyway. If the summer school classes don't work, then I'll be in school until next Spring, which isn't what I wanted, but sometimes that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Friday after my appointment I had some time to spare before I was due to start work. I went to Target to replenish my vitamins, cereal and just browse. While in the waiting room at the doc's office, I had been reading the latest pregnancy mag and was hoping Target would have it, but no. I stumbled accross the pregnancy books section and picked up two books. The first, The Modern Girls Guide to Motherhood, and the second, The Mocha Manual. I started reading the Modern book first, but that book is more geared for after the baby gets here, while the Mocha Manual is all about pregnancy. It's a more light hearted and less intimidating version of What to Expect, which I was warned even by a doctor not to read unless I want to be scared the whole time. What I like most about the Mocha Manual is that it's written by a Black woman and she discusses a lot of the issues Black women face like having under weight babies and dealing with blood pressure issues and so forth, and she even has a section on being a single mom and dealing with insensitive partners. That book is so up my alley. I'm not as deep in it as I would like, but by the time I'm home from work, stuff my face, shower and settle in the covers to read, my eyes are ready to close. But, I'm glad I found some books I liked. Everyone was asking me what have I been reading, and up until now I hadn't had an answer.

Saturday was pretty much the same as all Sats. Work. Today though I am going to head out to Concord with my sister and her boyfriends son to the mall and hopefully find some tops to accomodate my changing body. I browsed the maternity section at Target and was less than impressed, so I've decided that until I get really big I'm going to shop at my regular favorites shops and just purchase bigger sized tops. As for bottoms, I am definitely going to need to invest in maternity fashion. I like the support maternity bottoms gives the bulging belly. It's so funny because when I still wear some of my tops that used to either fit great or I still needed to grow into, now don't fit so great and they're starting to roll up. Hysterical. According to what I've been reading, I should be gaining a pound a week. When I was weighed on Friday, the doctor didn't say there was a problem with my weight and that everything was good. According to the scales at both the hospital and my fathers house last weekend, I'm still at 131lbs. I might buy a scale and hopefully I can see the pounds come on.

Today should be good. I think I'll treat my sis and my future nephew to lunch as a surprise. Speaking of lunch, I've been trying to organize a lunch or dinner with my Sorors, but we're all at different places in our lives it's so hard to get together. I told them I'd like to see them before the baby is born while I still have some me time, but most of them are in grad school or finishing up their last semester or busy with work and such that are schedules never seem to match. However, some have emailed me back and said next Saturday works, so we'll see.

Okay, I think I'll go read now, then hop in the shower and get ready to shop!

P.S. Thanks Esquire for being so encouraging. I'm working on feeling better every day.

When it Rains, it Pours

2007-02-22T08:34:00.000-08:00

This is pretty random, but it's amazing how a song can bring you to tears.

Last night I was driving back home from my sisters after eating spaghetti and lounging out with her and her boyfriend, when I got all emotional over the random music selection on the radio. The new Bow-Wow song had me all balled up. My problem is, I think every song relates to me and then I convince myself that I'll be alright, when the reality is that most songs have nothing to do with me, and that I'm just thinking too much. Yeah, I'm told that a lot, I think too much.

This week hasn't been the best. As much as I try to stay on the positive side of situations, it's the negative that always takes over. For example, Flash. Yeah, it's a long drowned out sick sad affair that should've ended before I even got here, but at the time, I didn't consider it as such. I don't regret where I am, because I try to believe that saying that everything you go through is for a reason. I'm just still working on figuring out the reason. Over the weekend when I was visiting with my dad and his wife, they talked a lot about prayer. The two of them know that I don't have a strong (or any) faith base, but yet they continued to tell me about prayer works for them, and how they've been praying for me. In the past, I've used prayer incorrectly. I've since learned there's a difference between prayer and begging. In between the tears, I tried speaking with God internally, but I realized I wasn't really speaking I was questioning. No good.

With all that's been on my plate these last few months, what's on the top of my list is my son. I remember in high school and after graduating I would always say that everything I did and planned on doing was so that I would have children who were proud of me. Now that I know that in just four more months I am going to have a child, I feel like a lot of what I've done so far isn't much. I have a lot of plans, but the main reason why I have so many plans is because I've gotten side tracked and I procrastinate. Instead of having so many plans, I'd like to have some accomplishments.

As stated in my last post, I'm really in over my head. When one thing gets me down, I try to move on to something else to uplift my spirits, but instead find myself down about it in just a matter of seconds. Today, my day off, I woke up focused on my son and planning for him--child care and such. So, I get up and get on the computer and sarting looking into resources that co-workers, family and friends have recommended, but essentially I'm over it right now. A lot of why I get so bummed is because I truly am alone, and the reality is setting is that I am doing everything by myself. And when I think about Flash and his audacity to give me drama over picking out my sons name without him, it pisses me off. He wants to be rewarded while I do all of the hard work. Classic case of the Hen and the Bread story. Everyone wants a slice, but no one wants to help prepare.

Everyday my mind is in baby mode. I think so much about how things may be easier down the road if I relocate to insure a better life for my son, yet I also remind myself that I think it's important for my son to know his father and at least be in the same state. But, I know Flash only cares about my son for showing off sake. Where's he going to be when my son has his first shots, first steps, first words, first fall, first heart ache? You know where? Not here.

This post is really random and I can't keep going because the tears are coming and I can't hold them back.

Oh, and it's raining today. I usually don't mind the rain, but today I could've done without it.

In Over my Head

2007-02-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

First, I would like to announce some positive news. I had my ultrasound on V-Day and learned that on either July 9th or July 16th, I'll be delivering a baby boy. I've shared this news with so many people, and I've shared the name as well. Even though to my knowledge, only one person knows of this blog of mine, just for some confidentiality, I am going to keep the baby's name to myself. There could be someone reading this and I don't want them to figure out who I am.

To share the happiness I feel know that I know, I am going to copy and paste the email I shared with my buddy Esquire, because it pretty much summed up the whole experience:

It's soooo much more exciting now that I know I'm having a son. I tried emailing the results to your earlier in a big massive email I sent to a whole bunch of folks but I used the wrong address and it bounced back, then I remembered getting an email from you from a different address, so I have you updated now, yay.I went to "Babies R Us" last night after the appointment and at first was kind of bummed as I walked by the girls selections, but when I got to the boys section and saw how creative I could get, I was so pumped up. Everything is so darling for the little ones there. My mom and I have been eyeing a crib set that I want her to see in person (because you know how the internet can be misleading) and I also need to decide on a layette, which I learned is set of patterns or what not. Before getting pregnant I was sooooo out of the baby planning loop. Anywho, my sister and cousin who want to throw my shower are trying to help be brainstorm on a theme or color scheme so we can get on the ball. maybe just maybe my wish will be granted and you can beam up for it. If not, I understand. I'm sure you'll be busy with work and school and all the happenings in life. But expect an invite and maybe you can be there via satelite, lol.Geez, it's so funny how my thoughts gets so scrambled. One minute I'm thinking about first birthday parties, and the next I jump to choosing schools, Montessori? Private? or Public? I'm trying not to think too far ahead, but I like to plan. Okie dokie, well I just wanted to briefly share what I'd be blogging about later.Oh, and Flash, he knows, so obviously the Cold Turkey bit didn't go too long, I relapsed. But you'd be proud. Flash and I have only communicated about the baby and he's very happy about having a son (typical guy) and wanted one of my ultrasound pics. But, I set him straight, I told him that since he wasn't there, that he wasn't getting one. However, the peace maker in me settled on giving him a copy of one of the pics. I still feel if he wanted an original then he should have been there, but I'm trying to make nice...for now. Flash started to talk about us, like there was still an us, but I just reminded him of what he kept telling me about us not working. I just think it's best for both parties that considering the circumstances, we just leave that gray area alone. Okay, enough about him.And before I end this, let me just quickly talk about the whole ultrasound experience. Initially, it seems very creepy, for me at least. I'm still getting used to the idea of an actual life forming inside of me and being able to feel it. Seeing the baby move on the monitor was very surreal. I seriously felt like I was watching an episode of A Baby Story on TLC. It was all real for me when the technician said it's a Boy and had proof, soooooo funny. The best part was seeing when the baby move his little hands and cross and uncross his little legs. So precious. We didn't get the best profile pic because the baby was being a little stubborn and shy and wouldn't move around for us as much (he must get is from me already...or his father, lol) but all in all I'm happy with the pics (they take so many, geez) and I only got about 8 I think. I'm trying to find a way to load them on the comp so I can display my baby boy, I'm so proud.

end email

Back to Blog
Oh, and Flash hasn't receieved copes of the pics. The peace maker in me went on leave for a while, so we'll see what happens with that.

Let's see...oh yes. I'm still trying to get my life together, but just when I think things are going well, I'm reminded that I may be in over my head. Sunday I spent the latter part of the day with my dad and stepmother who had me over for dinner and some serious heart to hearts. At first it was kind of strange talking to my dad about everything (I mean everything) but I'm glad my stepmother was there to shed some light on her experience as a single mother and what matters. My dad admitted that he's still getting used to the baby news, and I can't be mad at that. It's just good to know that he knows and I'm not hiding it and he's accepted that it's what I'm doing. My stepmom also shared with me in side conversation that my dad is also pretty excited about me having a son and he's been eyeing a three wheeled stroller to transport the baby in when he runs around the lake. Lol, my dad has already informed me that he will have my boy out on the slopes with him up in Tahoe, in addition to having his company for hair cuts and such. That should be funny. What my dad basically wanted to get acros was that he planned on being a grandfather who was supportive and a leader in my sons life, but that he wouldn't take the place of his father or raise him as such, which of course is fine by me because I hadn't planned on having my parents raise my child. My dad said it will be important that the baby know Flash and know that Flash is his father, but that he also has a loving and supportive grandfather. That's all I wanted.

I'm getting bigger and starting to feel like a weirdo in my clothes. I'm trying to save up my funds to start buying those maternity necessities. As far as tops, I'm pretty much going the Forever 21 cute route because I'm still really small up top and when you buy those clothes they stretch and happen to last a while (granted, if you take care of them), but for bottoms like jeans and slacks, I will be investing a pretty penny in quality. I'm starting to feel bigger on the bottom and of course mid-section, yet I weighed myself on Sunday and I still haven't had a dramatic change in weight gain. I have another prenatal appointment on Friday so I'll definitely be bringing that up to my doc, especially since I know I've been eating...all the time. Also, I want to look into signing up for lamaze. I need to find a partner. My mom and sis are pretty busy with work and their significant others, and I don't really know anyone who has time in the evening, or is willing to give up their spare time in the evenings. True, Flash should be the one helping out, but in four going on five months I've been pregnant, his help has been seldom to none...actually, none. I won't even bother asking him. If I don't find a partner, I don't think it'll be that bad. I can go it alone...hell, I've been alone this long, me and the baby will be alright.

Okay, have to get back on the job hunt grind and soon it's time to eat again.

Play time is Over

2007-02-12T20:25:00.000-08:00

Lots I could go on about, but I'll be brief. My horoscope was surprisingly right on today, it read:

Cancer
Just continue to be yourself -- don't let temporary insecurity change who you are.

Very comforting. I'm finding myself wrapped up in a bunch of random thoughts. Today I was supposed to be getting my car back, but I had to make an appointment with the storage facility 24hrs in advance. All was going well with the plans until I realized I couldn't work things out with my job, thus, I'll be picking up old Goldie come Thursday. I'm still a little bummed, because I way past exhausted from waking up so early these days. But on the lighter side of things, I'm happy just to know that I am for sure getting my car. My mom came through for me (as always) and I'm so blessed to have an understanding and sacrificing mother. I love her to pieces.

Aside from the busy happenings of today, when I finally got home and headed for the shower, as I was getting ready to jump in the water after stretching, yet I hesitated to move for a second because I felt something strange going on in my stomach. Yes, I felt the baby move. My first reaction was shock and confusion. I had been feeling a sort of bubbling but had been so busy writing it off as nothing, until last night when I really started paying attention to my body. So today, I was glad to feel what I had been interested in feeling. As far the feeling, well, I was honestly weirded out because I could see the movement across my stomach, and on the inside it felt as if the contents of my stomach were floating around. I know it sounds weird, but I can't describe it. Basically, I've never had the feeling before, but know that I've recognized it, it hasn't stopped. The funniest thing was trying to shave my legs and feeling the baby move around and kind of get in my way, I mean, the belly's enough, but feeling a little jolt is funny too.

No news on the Flash front. The phone calls stopped yesterday. I figure he's recognized I need my space and he needs to figure out how much he really wants to be in my life, and most importanly this childs life---yet, I can't give him that much credit just yet. Most likely his pride has got the best of him right now and he's thinking if he stops calling then I'll start. Silly rabbit, when will he learn...tricks are for kids.

Another work day tomorrow and then Wednesday I get the big news. Either way, I'll be pleased. I just want a healthy and happy baby. Though I've had my girls name picked out since before I realized a bun was in my oven, I just settled on a boys name today. I'm going to do the big name reveal after I find out, so look out for it. Oooh, the suspense.

Cold Turkey

2007-02-08T22:49:00.000-08:00

It hasn't been that long since my last post, but so much has happened. Let's just say I totally understand what it means to hit rock bottom. As previously mentioned, I've been having a bit of trouble with my finances, however, I underestimated just how much trouble I was having. To make a very long and humiliating story short, I am truly without a major necessity that I guess I took for granted in a sense. Now that I am without, I have noticed the other things in life that I have taken for granted and well, and simply refuse to go without again.

Public transportation in the Bay Area has really opened my eyes. Before I was licensed and behind the wheel, AC Transit and BART were my sole source of getting around (not that I had very many exciting places to go in high school) and now I have rekindled the relationship. It's been a long time, but once you've been acustomed to it once, you never forget the feeling. In addition to publich transportation, the life of a pedestrian is another aspect of life I've been enlightened to. Before my current situation, I was never one for a walk unless it was around the mall, but now, my body has awakened to a new experience...cold, but good for the body.

On the baby front, my current situation has set me back in the baby department quite a bit. Hopefully, but the beginning of next week my transportation situation will be solved and I can around as I once did and there won't be any problems. On the 14th I have the big ultra sound appointment where I will learn the sex of the little grubber inside of me. Yes, it is all baby that is making me eat so much. I miss the feeling of being full for one, but finding myself full for two has yet to happen. I just eat and eat and eat. But it's all good, these next trimesters are all about putting the weight on, which will be challenging for a finicky eater like myself. Surprisingly, I have discovered a love for tomatoes. My mother prepared tacos the other day and I added tomatoes to my normally dull taco shell...I even added lettuce (which I normally only prefer on a hamburger and sandwich).

Trimester 2 is supposed to be the "feel good" trimester, but I also read that trimester 2 is all about the emotional roller coaster. I can attest to feeling both sides of the trimester; the good and the bad. Of course I prefer the good. The good comes with the loss of nausea and morning sickness and now being able to finish a meal or two, lol, as well as being able to smile about my growing belly. I get compliments left and right about "glowing" lately, and a few people that the motherly glow indicates a girl (yippeee), but we'll soon find out. Another good part of trimester 2 is expecting to feel the baby move. I can't wait. At first I was kind of freaked out about being about to feel my little muncher bounce around inside of me. I don't know, something about it just reminded me of Aliens the movies, why? I don't know. But now I'm looking forward to it. Most times you can catch me singing to the baby, and yesterday I was so frustrated because I couldn't remember the world to Over the Rainbow, but I happily found the lyrics today so problem solved. I've also been eyeing bedding the crib and so forth. I've pictured a lamb theme for a girl, and frog theme for a boy. My mom told me yesterday that frogs were a symbol of good luck. I've never heard that before, but I'll take it. And now, the downside of trimester 2, the emotions.

Some days are great. I feel energized, motivated, and up for a full work day smiles and all, while other days it's hard giving myself that extra push out of bed in the morning or dressed after my shower. Most times I just want to curl back up under the covers and sleep the day away. And yes, it's very clear where these emotions are coming from. Other than being tired from my new early schedule thanks to public transportation (or depending on others to get around), a lot of my down days still center Flash. But this weekend I grew a backbone and said to myself (for the hundreth time) no more! No more insensitivity, no more rude antics and hurtful words exchanged, and no more wasting my time. I used to say that I loved him enough to let him go, and see if he came back (you know, like songs say to do) but now I'm working on loving myself enough to realize that I need to be a stronger woman in order to be a strong mother who is bringing a child into this world under unfavorable conditions. The last thing I was is a child who resents me because they could feel that I gave their father too much and them too little. Nope, not having it. I want my child to know that though I have to raise it and mother and father it on my own, I do it with a whole heart. Sometimes I'll even carry on a conversation with the baby either in my mind or out loud. It's weird talking to myself, but when I think about it, I'm not really by myself.

As far as Flash goes, he is clueless for now that I'm going cold turkey and cutting off all forms of communication. That's right, no text messages, voice messages, phone calls, myspace, none! And I'm sticking to my guns on this one. The last time we spoke was last Friday and we haven't spoken since. He's called me the last two days but I haven't bothered giving it a second thought about calling back. Most times he's caught me while I'm napping (baby's orders) and the last thing I want to do is wake up to a pointless conversation. Besides, I know Flash only calls me when he wants something, and he pushes me just to see how far he can go, but he's gone too far. I'm worth more than he gives me credit for. I know this, and deep down I think he knows it too, which is why he tries so hard to knock me off of my block just to stroke his own ego. I'm guilty for letting it get so bad, but I can learn from this now, and stop it before it becomes worse.

Enough about Flash. More apple juice please! What is it with apple juice? What is it with kids and apple juice? I never liked the stuff so much growing up, but now, I can't get enough of it. It's preferred that pregnant women drink 100% Apple Juice, but I've been drinking Motts (by preference when I can afford it, lol) in opposed to Welch's or Juicy Juice, and Motts claims to be 100% but it's just too darn sweet and tastes nothing like juicy juice so I don't know, it's just good. I'm all out right now, but I'll restocking my supply come this weekend.

Okay, got to get some shut eye. My days begin at 4:30am now. Oh, how I missing waking up at 6:15am...heck, I miss living in the dorms and waking up at 10. Lol.

Rest in Peace
Anna Nicole Smith 1967-2007
A very shocking loss.

4 months and counting!

2007-01-29T21:21:00.000-08:00

I won't make this too long, I promise. Since last week not too much new has occurred (sp?). Just working and commuting to and fro Hercules, and the drive is starting to take a toll. When I'm off in the evenings I usually stop my sisters for dinner and to kill time by watching the tube. I don't leave until 8:30ish and by then there's no traffic on either 880 or 580 toward home.

Work is well...work. Though it's nice having the extra hours, having to actually work the hours is starting to make me go a little crazy. I'm so used to being a student (which I technically still am, just on leave of absence) and either working in the mornings and off in the afternoons for classes, or vice versa. But a whole work day? With a measley 45 minute lunch? What? Just kidding, I know the rest of the world does it, but for me, it's still taking some getting used to.

Thankfully taking the Flinstone vitamins help me with that little energy boost. I was having trouble with the prenatal vitamins and my aunt who is a pharmacist and has also been with child before suggested I look into substituting Flinstones for my prenatal ones. When I asked my doctor who is treating me through this pregnancy, she simply said all I need was 400mcg a day of Folic Acid. Interestingly when I read the nutrition label on the prenatal vitamins, I learned that each pill had 800mcg of Folic Acid, which double the recommended intake, where as the Flinstones have 400mcg per serving. I looked into it on the Babycenter.com forums about prenatal vitamins, and a lot of other women were having the same problems with the prenatals as I was, and too had opted for the Flinstones. One lady said she took two Flinstones a day to match the prenatal serving, and so do I. However, I will say that when I was younger, those Flinstones seemed a lot more enjoyable because I would suck the flavor off, but now that I'm older and chew them to get them down, they taste like chalk. Nevertheless, they're doing what they need to, which makes me feel better.

On Friday (1/26) I had my 3rd prenatal check up. Those things are soooooooo short, but so good to go to. This time I had to see another doctor because I rescheduled my original appointment from Tuesday to Friday, and this doctor was very quick, but informative. She surprised me when she asked me if I wanted to hear the heart beat. Of course I said yes, because I hadn't expected it, and being that I missed the heart beat on the first ultrasound, I thought it'd be a nice make up. I was by myself, so I was kind of lonely, but kind of glad that I was able to experience this on my own and connect with my child. It was neat, and the baby's heart beat was loud and strong. On Valentine's Day I'm set to find out the sex, and I'm looking forward to that day more than I ever have before. My little pea in the pod is my Valentine this year, ahhhhh!

Saturday night in between trivial pursuit and uno, I was having very uncomfortable sensations in my abdomen which is perfectly normal due to the stretching of the uterus. And yes, it feels like one long stretch after another. My cousin and my sister were all concerned, but being that I have this feeling pretty much once or twice a month, I assured them I was alright. The discomfort subsided soon, and it was back to fun and games. I like getting together with my sister and my cousin, and my sisters BF to battle in trivial pursuit. I've won 3 times now, but uno still isn't my game. I'm just not quick enough, lol.

So this week I'm officially 4 months (16weeks) and I'm getting more and more excited. I'm starting to show a tad, at least my coworkers and fam are noticing. My father surprised me Sunday inviting me over to dinner, but being that I wasn't sure if it was a planned attack over food I passed, but called him this morning only to thank him for the invite, but interestingly he had something fatherly to say and didn't ridicule me as I expected. He simply said he wasn't mad, but still digesting it all and it was a lot for him. He asked about the father and I gave him a brief that there was no father as of now. My father also seemed concerned when I mentioned me not feeling well. I know everyone said he'd come around, but I didn't think he would, but deep down I was hoping he would. I love my parents a lot, but my dad is the only man I've never believed really loved me, and not saying because I'm pregnant I know now that he does, but for the simple fact that he came around means there's a possibility. I love him.

Nothing to report on the Flash front. I've decided that when there's something worth mentioning (that's positive for that matter) then I'll mention it. But it's clear as of now, that isn't the case.

Tomorrow I begin my month long house sitting stint for my Sorority Sister in the Oakland Hills. I'm simply watering her plants, but I know she offered me the opportunity due to the fact that my commute home from work is so long. It was very nice and generous of her. I'm looking forward to it.

Okay, I want to hop in the shower and throw a load of laundry in the wash all before eleven, who knows, maybe even fold a load that I got out of the dryer last night, lol. So lazy I am, so lazy.

Papa Don't Preach!

2007-01-22T20:22:00.000-08:00

It's been a little while since the last post, and before today I hadn't the urge to post. Everything is everything right now. I'm trying to stay positive and see the good in the world and most importantly in people.

Last Wednesday after much hesitation, I shared my baby news with my father in a very heart felt email. It took my dad almost a week to reply today and well, let's just say I already knew the outcome. In my email, I asked my father not to reply to email if he had anything negative to say, and though he claimed in his response that he was honoring my request, the tone of his email said something to the contrary.

I'm a big cry baby and I can't help it. It's one thing for the father of my child to play hot and cold, but it's another for my father, one of the people responsible for bring me into this world, to look down on me. I don't want to go into too much detail about the email, but I will say it's a sick feeling to know my own father would imply that an abortion would have been better for me. The nerve. My own mother, who had one in her younger day before she married my father and had my sister and I, didn't even suggest an abortion right off the bat. She stressed that it was my choice, unlike her own had been.

At the end of my fathers email he started going on about how he was praying for me, and I honestly believe he should be praying for forgiveness. I'll have my judgement day just like he'll have his, but the nerve of him to think he is so much more righteous and thus praying for my salvation. I believe God knows all and sees all. And just like my choices, good or bad, God has his eye on my father too. My dad also said he felt as my father he deserved more than email, but he didn't seem to grasp the fear I have toward him which is why he received an email and not a phone call in the first place. He also told me not to reply to his email if I wanted to continue the conversation. I guess when the months start to pass and he realizes that I haven't called that the conversation has already ended.

On a brighter note, I'm in my 15th week now and from the Baby update group I'm apart of online where they email updates about the pregnancy week by week, I learned that the baby is somewhat sensitive to light even though its eyes are still shut. The the little update said if I took a flash light to my belly, the baby would move away from it. Interesting ay?

I've since moved back home since the last post, and that's going well. It's nice to have home cooked meals now. Not to mention the baby and me are beyond tired of fast food. One night my mothers partner made steak for us, it was great. My mom made turkey breasts last night with rice and peas per my request and it was delicious. My latest craving has been bagels and cream cheese as well as sugar free strawberry jello and peanut butter sandwiches. Yeah, life is good.

I think I'm putting on some weight but I can't really tell. I have an appointment with the OBGYN tomorrow but it's not really baby related, but I am going to have my weight update then so I'll know for sure. No Flash news right now. There's things I could say, but it's not really positive or worth mentioning. Today I'm just dealing with my dads insensitivity.

One day at a time, that's how I'm taking things from now on. Dear God, give me strength.

Beautiful Surprise

2007-01-11T09:57:00.000-08:00

First off, is this not the cutest thing you've ever seen? No, it's not my belly and I'm only 3 months. I still have some time to go before I'm really showing. Anywho, I found this on the web and just thought it was the sweetest thing.

Yesterday I was having a whirlwind of emotions and felt compelled to write something to the baby. I don't think it's strange that I communicate with the baby, after all she is a person and just because we haven't seen each other yet, I picture her in my mind and well talk to her all the time.

So, this is what I wrote to the baby. There's no official titling, but I figure when I know the sex I'll title it the little one's name. I find out the sex on Feb. 14th. What a special Valentine's Day that'll be. I've chosen to go to the ultrasound appointment solo. I told Flash about it but he'll be in Vegas for the All Star game and he doesn't really want to go anyway. Not to mention the tension between us is continue to thicken and I don't think I'd enjoy his company after all. My mom wanted to go, but I kind of want to do it alone, but I still might change my mind. I want to hear the sex told to me alone, and then share it with the world. Most likely I'll have my mom go with me, who am I feeling. Anyway, happy reading below.

To my unborn Child

January 10, 2007 3 months. 1 wk.

I'm not concerned with your father and what he feels he can't and won’t do, because as far as I'm concerned is it's all up to God and I'm fine with being just ME AND YOU. Mommy Loves you more than you'll ever know, and as you are inside of me, my love for you continues to Grow. Whether you're a beautiful little girl, or handsome little boy, having you healthy and here in my arms is what I look forward to most and will enjoy. So never wonder about if you were meant to be, because as God laid out HIS plan, I was meant for you and you were meant for me. I'm not ashamed of you and never will I be, I don't care who knows because eventually they'll recognize the GIFT that I've come to receive.

More Greens and Beans Please!

2007-01-05T15:47:00.000-08:00

I had planned on writing this post earlier in the week because I wanted a chance to have something interesting to write about. Since the last post, I've had a few emotional break downs. Thursday of last week was my day off and it was the day two of not hearing from Flash. I kept staring at my phone wanting to call him up, but fought that impulse by staying tucked in bed and catching up on A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby on TLC. Anywho, right as I was just thinking how proud I was for not calling him, he called me, SERIOUSLY. Being that the last time we talked he pretty much told me he and I were wrapped, this phone conversation was very awkward. Flash wasted no time getting to what it was he was calling for. Being that he's not all too familiar with areas San Leandro to San Jose, he wanted me to accompany (really drive) him to court in Hayward. He had a ticket and he needed to see the judge. I told him I didn't have a problem helping him, because deep down I just wanted to see him, but I didn't tell him that. So we agreed that we'd confirm this trip Monday (New Years Day) and go the next (Tuesday).

Strange, but I felt better after talking to him. The conversation was real brief and kind of rude (on his part of course) but I felt good about not buckling and calling first. Yes, I know. I have a lot of pride, but in this situation, it's necessary.

Friday of that same week my sis N treated me to dinner and a movie. As reluctant as I was to see Beyonce's big movie because of all the hype, I gave in. I didn't want to see the movie so soon because it was still getting a lot of attention and everyone was still talking about it. It's weird, but it felt like one of those situations when you say to yourself, just 'cause every else is doing it, doesn't mean I have to. Well, at least that's how I get by. And thinking that way about a lot of things have saved me from many bad choices in my 23yrs. All in all, the movie was good, and I love musicals anyway, but it was really nice to see an all Black ensemble doing a period piece with class. Very well executed.

Saturday was rather drab. I worked and was so ticked after work to learn that my bank had transferred money from my savings to my checking to clear an OD without my permission. I totally understand that it helped me it out somewhat, but let's just say I was seriously scraping the bottom of my purse for change to get by.

I spent Saturday night over to my sister N's and just hung with her and her BF and his adorable son. My sis' BF is Flash first cousin so my child and his son will be second cousins and God-Brothers. My sis' BF and are really cool with each other and he and my sister are doing so much better than they had been this summer. Not to mention, BF (what's I'll call him for now) has been on my side for my pregnancy, which Flash of course can't stand. But who can blame him, I'm just so darn grand! Lol.

Sunday my sis made breakfast for her BF, his son, and me and I hung with them for a little that morning before heading to my mom's church to retrieve my cell charger I had been without for a week. It was good to see my mom since I hadn't seen her in a week. Soon that'll change being that I'm moving back home next weekened, YIKES!!!!! No, it shouldn't be so bad. My mom and I only butt heads when she lets people get over on her, especially her partner, and that just boils my buttons.

I spent New Years Eve playing trivial pursuit with my sis and her BF and my sis' place and that was good fun, but by 11:40ish I was dog tired and headed home. I pulled into my complex right at the strike of midnight. I wished the baby a Happy New Year and rubbed my belly alot. So it was nice not to be alone for one, hehhe. Flash even sent me a text message wishing me a Happy New Years, progess? Not.

Monday I got all domestic and did a thorough cleaning of my bedroom. I let myself get lazy, blaming it on my fatigue, but the cleaning had to be done. I also frustratedly cleaned up the bathroom I share with one roommate who irks me when it comes to the bathroom. I love her to pieces really, but I can't stand her cleaning habits, or lack there of. I washed all of the mats in the bathroom, scrubbed the tub and shower, toilet and windexed the mirror. The only thing I left alone was the sink because it was crowded her the roomie's hair products galore and I didn't want to butt heads with her over misplacing her precious hair products.

Monday night Flash came over to spend the night so we could wake up for court early the next morn. He fell asleep around tenish but of course I was a wreck. He opted to sleep on the floor and at first I was a bit disturbed, but wasn't going to pull his arm to jump into bed with me. As much as I knew we were still wrapped and I was simply helping him out. Well, b/c I couldn't sleep I went out in the living room and let Flash be alone, and instead chopped it up with the roomie I don't share a bathroom with and she and I had a good conversation. She baked some cookies and it was a good hour worth of venting on both ends. I headed back to my room and tried to get some shut eye, but between Flash's monstrous snoring and the weird feeling of having him so close but not close enough kept me up.

Finally around 3am ish I was on my way to sleep when Flash got up to use the bathroom and when he returned hopped in bed with me. Nothing happened, and I really couldn't sleep because the snoring was so close. Finally, around 4ish I got some sleep.

I would go on about what else happened in the wee early morning hours of Tuesday, but it's unnecessary. Anywho, we finally got up to get to court and that was an interesting waste of time. Flash got there too late and was told to come back another day and be there by 7am. I didn't have to tell him, but he should count me out on that one. After court we headed to Stoneridge where he browsed Macy's and a shoe store and complained about the Macy's not having a certain upscale Marc Ecko line, and he also complained that I was no fun to shop with b/c I wasn't giving him any suggestions. I explained to him that he never liked anything I suggested anyway.

Tuesday didn't end as I thought it would. Of course we bickered and parted way nastily. And what was worse, he didn't even thank me for giving up my only day off this week for him! But then again, I asked for it.

The rest of my week was alright. I worked two 9hr days straight, but today got off early and tomorrow is Saturday so the bank closes early. My manager surprised me the other day offering me more hours and benefits because she wants to make sure I'm covered with a baby and all. I was truly taken a back because the last time I asked her for more hours (and I wasn't pregnant then, or at least I still didn't know) she wasn't interested in helping me out, but now she is. I'm debating about changing jobs because if I stay at my job I can be trained in loans which is what I've been wanting to do. I'd like to get into underwriting and staying where I am could get me there. I just have to suck it up and be strong. However, I'm willing to do what I need to for my child.

Okay, this is rather long, and I think only one person reads this so let me not bore her to death. Thanks Esquire.

p.s. I've been craving collard greens and beans! What a combination.

In A Sentimental Mood

2006-12-28T11:30:00.000-08:00

So it's a little over a month since my last post. Thankfully, everything turned out fine in the baby department--health wise that is. As far as Flash an his position on fatherhood? Stay tuned. As far as Flash and his position with me, that sad series is CANCELED. We tried to "work things out" since the last post, but everything came crashing down the day after Christmas. Christmas Eve he took me to formally meet his mother, and that was awkward, but not too bad. Glad that's over with. As far as him meeting my parents? Well, before the melt down, I was reluctant because he really is disrespectful and my mother isn't keen on rude people. It's sad, I tolerated it for myself for so long, but I wouldn't allow him to be that way with my mother.

Of course, I've been real emotional. In addition to my hormones raging out of this world, I'm still an emotional basket case. I can't help it. The tears just come from the smallest things. Yesterday, my father called me with some BS going back on his word, and that just ate me up. I haven't told my father about the baby b/c I'm afraid of him (not physically) but now I figure, he's such a bastard now, it might not make too much of a difference. Anywho, I'm still going to wait a while longer.

I checked my Fall semester grades on blackboard last night, and while they're not stellar, I'm pleased to have no F's. I already have a math class to complete that is keeping me from finishing my undergraduate studies any sooner, but now I unfortunately need to repeat a Biology class as well. Damned Math and Sciences!!!!!!! English majors shouldn't need them, but yeah, I know why those in charge of higher education say we do. It's the same as a Science major needing an English class, believe it or not, in comes in somewhere.

My Christmas was very quiet. I spent Christmas Day with my mom, her partner, the four cats, and their new house in Hercules. It's a really nice place. Five bedrooms, 3 baths, huge back yard, 3 car garages, and a nice sized kitchen. I'm happy my mom has opened up her home to me and the baby, and though the commute will suck, I'm blessed to have somewhere to go. My plan is to be out of the Condo I'm sharing with roommates mid January.

The day after Christmas, I had my second prenatal appointment which went well. I expected it to be like the first, the whole exam and ultrasound, but no, it was mainly going over paperwork and a chance to ask the doctor any questions I might've had since the manditory first prenatal class. I'm 11 weeks now, and my new due date is July 16th. When I checked it on those online baby center sites it was predicted July 9th, a day before my birthday, but the doctor straightened it out for me.

Sadly, the doctor did as about the father and I let her know that he was pretty much MIA, but that the door was still opened as far as fatherhood is concerned. Like I told Flash, I'm not keeping anything from him, but he shouldn't expect me to pressure or harass him to be around. Now that we're OVER, I'm not sure what he plans on doing. Even when we were trying to make it work, he never took a real interest in the baby. I showed him the first ultrasound pic and he just shrugged his shoulders like it was nothing. And a few times when we would lie in bed together, I'd noticed his hand on my stomach and then he would quickly move it away, like he thought about what was going on inside of me.

I don't want this entire post to be about him, but I can't help but say that I'll miss him. Yet, I have to remind myself how can I miss something I never had. Even when he was around, I never had his undivided attention. And the one time when he was all over me just so happened to be in front of his mother, which he claimed showed her his comfort with me, but to me seemed more staged. I'll never understand him, and I'll never have him. dah-well.

Work sucks! I'm online daily looking for a new one, but I get so unmotivated. I keep thinking because I've been with the bank for so long I don't have anything else to offer. One job I saw online actually made me crack up when it said you must be at least 90% likeable, lol.

I wish my finances were in better shape. This Christmas I couldn't give, and I felt bad. I'll have to make it up to everyone next year. Money just isn't coming in. I'm back in a financial bind when it comes to my car note, but once I move out this January, all of that will be in order once again.

The highlight of my Holiday was getting to see someone I consider a good friend, I'll call Esquire. Anywho, Esquire and I got together the day after Christmas and she gave me a beautiful gift for the baby. I spent the rest of the evening with Esquire and her family and it felt really nice. Just a few minutes before ringing her doorbell I had been in my car crying my eyes out about Flash and had contemplated going home to cry more, but I told myself not to, and what I needed was to be around friends and people that wouldn't keep me or want me down. That's what I'm trying to focus on. Thanks Esquire, you don't know how much spending time with you all meant to me. I don't really feel that comfortable with my own family, but you all made me feel right at home.

Speaking of family, I can't believe I'll have my own. I'm scared but excited. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

"In A Sentimental Mood" by Coltrane and Ellington happens to be the song playing on my myspace page right now, and I think it's fitting for how I've been feeling lately.

okay, that is all.

Where to begin?

2006-11-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in just a little over a month. The last post I talked about moving on--well, trying to move on from Flash, and what happened? I got temporarily sucked back in. Well, that's not even the kicker. My date went well, but things with the new guy started off good, but fizzled. When it comes to Flash, I've gotten myself into more of a sticky situation that I could've ever imagined.

Though at the time I wrote the last post, and being that I didn't find out until just 2 weeks ago, I'm pregnant. Yes...me...with child. Scary? Let me tell you. I cried so hard and so much and for once realized how really alone I was when it came to my situation with Flash. He truly is cold, heartless, and selfish. Let's just say, the baby news was the last thing he wants to deal with. But I'm dealing. It took me a week of tears, argue, and facing my fears and then accepting reality to come to the decision that I'm keeping my baby, (que Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach"). Yes, I feel I am old enough (early twenties) and smart enough to face my responsibility and step up tot he plate. Granted, it isn't the most ideal thing to endure alone, but a lot of times people have to do what they think they won't make it through, and actually end up on top.

I've shared the news with plenty of suprisingly supportive people (family, co-workers, sorors, school chums), but I am delaying telling my father who I know for sure will disown me, but you know what, I have someone else to think about it. It's going to hurt if my father decides to turn his back on me, but you know what, I'll deal. Everyone assures me he'll be upset initially, but in due time, he'll come around. Funny, everyone has been saying the same about Flash, but I don't think that's likely. It's funny how it takes someone, someone you haven't even met, but already love enough to make you realize that all along your priorities hadn't been in order, and now it's time to worry about self and the little person who is growing inside of you and counting on you to do right by it. Weird, there's an it.

On a scary note, last Thursday, while I already making my life changing plans (moving back in with mom to save some dough when the baby comes, and switching jobs) I woke up and was quite disturbed to discover some bleeding. I of course rushed myself down to Kaiser ER and after about a two hour stint was horrified to learn that I may have miscarried. I was in tears, but being that the sonogram didn't indicate much trouble (because I'm still pretty early to tell) I'm trying to stay positive. I have my first prenatal appointment next Tuesday and I'll know for sure. In the mean time, I still feel very pregnant. Not to be graphic but I've vomitted and continuing to battle with morning sickness, nausea and overall fatigue, but I have to keep going. I'm still having some bleeding, but from what I've researched and what the doctor in the ER told me after examining me, I shouldn't worry until it's confirmed next week. By then I'll be 8 weeks! I can't believe it, two whole months. Granted, the first month I was clueless, but know that I know, I've been reading a lot and talking with a lot of people. I have an excellent support group.

As far as Flash, I've accepted losing him. What bothers me the most is his insensitivity (is that even a word?). He truly could give a damn about the baby, he tried hard to brain wash me into an abortion, but that's just not for me. From all the people I've spoken with about having one, I've learned two things, 1) You never forget it, and 2) You'll never do it again. I myself have never had an abortion, not that makes me any better than someone who has, but as long as I could remember I've always said that I'm pro choice, but that's a choice I don't think I'm capable of making.

I do admit it was foolish and very immature of me to be so irresponsible and careless with Flash. In the nine months we've been involved I can't say I didn't think it would happen, but I will say I never expected it. Yet, everything happens for a reason, and God gives gifts wisely, and it's what we do with those gifts that makes us wiser.

Ahhhh, it's good to get all of this out.

Mmmm, can't wait for Turkey Day!

Keep Your Head Up

2006-10-12T14:38:00.000-07:00

This one was supposed to be short, but it might be rather long. So the job hunt is still on, the tears still flow, but thankfully I've got that car situation straightened out. It's always been hard for me to ask for help, primarily because the people I ask aren't so helpful without the third degree. I want to just quickly say I love my mother, and it's unfortunate that we still have a little bit of strain in our relationship, but I really do value her and all of the experiences (good and bad) we've encountered, because though it's extremely cliche to say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Thanks mom.

Like I said, the tears still flow, but you know, crying is good for the soul, yet I don't know if the amount of crying I've been doing lately is very good. I've been extra emotional--I say extra because I'm know to be quite the cry baby-- lately because I've been asking a lot of questions I shouldn't. I'm basically setting myself up for the tears because of what I allow. As much as I say I don't want to be the doormat, people are still walking all over me.

The guy in my life (well, the guy who pops in and out of my life) and I are of course back at quarrelling (sp.?) I don't want to say it's all my fault, but I have been probing him a lot lately simply because it seems that arguing with him is all I can get out of him. I found out about a girl I've known since high school and the guy in my life (I'll refer to as Flash) once (according to him) had a thing. I had a suspicion, but didn't want to ask him, but I saw something she left him (a comment on that damned myspace) and it rubbed me more than the wrong way. Flash and I have been through many a myspace drama in just the short time we've known each other, and here I am stirring the pot. Anywho, Flash is very cocky and arrogant and well, didn't even bother to lie to me or sugar coat the happenings of their supposed brief affair and he let's me know they were in fact intimate, and well, I am of course not happy about that. Now, according to Flash he and this girl were introduced before he knew me but did converse while he and I have known each other. Flash has no obligations to me (none in writing) but I do expect him to be careful with me. Strangely, I care a lot about him but I know deep down I don't feel as strong as I would like to convince myself. I've never known love, but what I do know is that this definitely isn't it. I've told him I've loved him before, but if love is feeling like shit (excuse my french) most of the time when you either talk to or are with someone you claim to love, then it's truly a sick sad world (shot out to the Simpsons).

Every time I confront Flash with why he does what he does or is the way he is with me, why did he even bother coming back into my life claiming to want to work things out if all we're going to do is be at each other's throats. According to him, he cares about me and wants to see where we can go. See, technically, we're supposed to be working things out, but things keep working itself back into total disarray. I'll say it again, I care a great deal for him, but I am still struggling with why. I was so sure of myself knocking his ex who came at me all foul, but I am starting to see myself turn into her, and "That's what I ain't gon' do" (Richie Rich, Oakland ish you know).

On another note, Sorority Life is turning out to be trife. I won't get in to too much detail since it really isn't a matter appropriate for the world to know, but I will say, even when you put your best foot forward and work as hard as expected and beyond, you can still end up with results less than promising. Basically, I would just like to share with the world with a phrase my mom told me just a few days ago that I had never heard before but am starting to refer to often, "Don't let your mouth sign a check, your ass can't cash!"

And now just to round out this post on a high note, things with Flash and I may not be good, but an old friend has come back into my life and I don't want to be the one to put all of my eggs in one basket, but I'm hoping this goes somewhere. We've set a date for tomorrow afternoon/evening and we'll see how things pan out. We missed our chance in high school, but now that we're older, who knows. I told my mom about a dream I had about this friend, and I don't know what to make of it. I'm staying positive and open enough to allow myself to be happy and not mislead. I don't even want to go with a "if" things don't work out b/c I'm not thinking about that with this one. Happiness comes to those who allow themselves to be happy, and golly darn, it's about time I start allow the good to come in my life.

Okay, I've got to read a play between now and 7pm for a midterm I had no idea about until tonight.

Job Hunt

2006-10-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't been fired...yet, but I feel that a termination is coming on. For the last few weeks I've been stressing over whether or not I'll still have a job by the end of the year. I've never actually loved my job, but I would hate to be without it... or any job for that matter. Times have gotten beyond hard and now I'm feeling the burn of being burned out. I cry at least once a day and it takes a good one or two hour nap to help me soothe my sorrows, but it's not enough. They say money doesn't make you happy, but it sure does make things easier...at least in my experience.

Right now I'm searching for a second job, but who knows if that's how it'll pan out, I could end up searching for just a JOB!

Baby Steps

2006-09-27T23:12:00.002-07:00

This is sort of a random post. My emotions are everywhere right now. When I'm not pondering into thin air, I'm crying or wanting to cry. Yes, I'm very sad right now. I know there's a lot going on in the world that is bigger than me and my problems, but as much as I try to remind myself of that, I know that I still deserve the right to vent.

Work isn't going well at all. I'm once again on the verge of losing my job after putting in five hard years. I've always said when I finish school, I'll finish the job, yet, I'm nearing the end of my college education, but the job is going to be finished with me before I even get the choice. I think I've stayed so long because I've given too much thought about how others view what is best for me. "It's a good job.", "You're lucky to have a job", "Why don't you consider a career in finance?" I've heard it all before and I don't agree with any of it. I know I'm good at what I do, but I basically do the minimum. I have a single mother for a co-worker who is always going on and on about her kids and how sometimes she struggles, even with their father actively in their lives. Most times I want to tell her to zip it because my mom busted her ass as a single mother working two, maybe three jobs at a time, and still barely cutting it and with very limited help from my father that was far from voluntarily if you catch my drift. Though, as much as I want to give her a piece of my mind, I keep it to myself and think that my mother was probably the same way with her co-workers and simply just making the most of her time being positive. Not to mention, that single mother needs her job, as do I, but I don't have two mouths to feed and a roof to keep over anyone else's head but my own, so why be nasty?

Yes, why be nasty? I can be really nasty with my customers and co-workers sometimes because everyone pretty much annoys me, but I'm trying to work on dealing with people in an optimistic fashion. I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else, therefore, I need to remember to treat people as I would want to be treated.

In addition to problems on the job, dealing with people and trying to feed myself, I'm having problems in the love department, yet, can you call it a love department if there is no love? I don't think so.

Well, I'm not doing very well in the lasting relationship department. I was avoiding my ex because I was working very hard at letting him and what we had go. We didn't have much, but what we had, I struggle giving that up. Well, stupidly, I gave into his supposed reconciling antics and once again still find myself crying over him. I'm just disappointed. Not so much at him, but at myself. I was sticking to my guns, you know. I thought I could really do it this time, but I was wrong. I told myself (and him) that I love him, but I don't know love, and what I do know about it, love shouldn't feel the way I feel. Should it? Naaaaaaaa.

School is well...daunting. This is my last traditional semester at my school and I'm ready to move on. Actually, I'll be back tracking. I have to take care of unfinished business. Math is my most difficult subject, and it's the one thing holding me back from completing my degree this spring. I've finished most of the required courses for my major (which I don't know what I plan on doing with it) and after this semester all of my upper division courses will be completed too. I'm on the right path, it's just a matter of staying on. I have a habbit of dropping off for a while and then having a hell of a time playing catch up. But I need to finish. I need to work on completing one step at a time. Completing my undergraduate studies will be a milestone for me. A chance to prove to myself that I can finish what I start...even if it takes six years.

Baby Steps

2006-09-27T23:12:00.001-07:00

This is sort of a random post. My emotions are everywhere right now. When I'm not pondering into thin air, I'm crying or wanting to cry. Yes, I'm very sad right now. I know there's a lot going on in the world that is bigger than me and my problems, but as much as I try to remind myself of that, I know that I still deserve the right to vent.

Work is going well at all. I'm once again on the verge of losing my job after putting in five hard years. I've always said when I finish school, I'll finish the job, yet, I'm nearing the end of my college education, but the job is going to be finished with me before I even get the choice. I think I've stayed so long because I've given too much thought about how others view what is best for me. "It's a good job.", "You're lucky to have a job", "Why don't you consider a career in finance?" I've heard it all before and I don't agree with any of it. I know I'm good at what I do, but I basically do the minimum. I have a single mother for a co-worker who is always going on and on about her kids and how sometimes she struggles, even with their father actively in their lives. Most times I want to tell her to zip it because my mom busted her ass as a single mother working two, maybe three jobs at a time, and still barely cutting it and with very limited help from my father that was far from voluntarily if you catch my drift. Though, as much as I want to give her a piece of my mind, I keep it to myself and think that my mother was probably the same way with her co-workers and simply just making the most of her time being positive. Not to mention, that single mother needs her job, as do I, but I don't have two mouths to feed and a roof to keep over anyone else's head but my own, so why be nasty?

Yes, why be nasty? I can be really nasty with my customers and co-workers sometimes because everyone pretty much annoys me, but I'm trying to work on dealing with people in an optimistic fashion. I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else, therefore, I need to remember to treat people as I would want to be treated.

In addition to problems on the job, dealing with people and trying to feed myself, I'm having problems in the love department, yet, can you call it a love department if there is no love? I don't think so.

Well, I'm not doing very well in the lasting relationship department. I was avoiding my ex because I was working very hard at letting him and what we had go. We didn't have much, but what we had, I struggle giving that up. Well, stupidly, I gave into his supposed reconciling antics and once again still find myself crying over him. I'm just disappointed. Not so much at him, but at myself. I was sticking to my guns, you know. I thought I could really do it this time, but I was wrong. I told myself (and him) that I love him, but I don't know love, and what I do know about it, love shouldn't feel the way I feel. Should it? Naaaaaaaa.

School is well...daunting. This is my last traditional semester at my school and I'm ready to move on. Actually, I'll be back tracking. I have to take care of unfinished business. Math is my most difficult subject, and it's the one thing holding me back from completing my degree this spring. I've finished most of the required courses for my major (which I don't know what I plan on doing with it) and after this semester all of my upper division courses will be completed too. I'm on the right path, it's just a matter of staying on. I have a habbit of dropping off for a while and then having a hell of a time playing catch up. But I need to finish. I need to work on completing one step at a time. Completing my undergraduate studies will be a milestone for me. A chance to prove to myself that I can finish what I start...even if it takes six years.

Black Mormons?

2006-09-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

Here it is, another week. I'm grateful for the opportunity to wake up every morning, but goodness, my morning sure do start early.

I hit the snooze button one time too many and well, my day has pretty much been lazy. I worked my 5 hours at el banco and had to act chipper and perky through out the whole shift. We had an important visitor from our Seattle headquarters, so my manager was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. The dude stayed maybe half an hour and then things went back to normal. All that work for thirty minutes, geez.

My co-worker R and I had an interesting conversation about religion today. I had a customer who was Mormon give me a little flyer on the book of Mormon. I found it peculiar because I don't know of any Black Mormons (though I'm sure they exist) being in the main stream. I know it's bad to base your view off of television, but on the show Big Love, there sure aren't any Black faces claiming to be Mormons. Hmm, makes you kind of wonder what Showtime is implying.

After work I enjoyed some delicious chinese food and learned all about MSG. I've heard people use the term before, but before today I pretended to know what it meant, but now I really do. See, everyday you learn something new.

I arrived to school and got a slow start in my jewelry making class. The class has turned out to be my least exciting and I'm trying to push myself to discover that inner creative side of me. I mean, writing is my passion, but art and design in jewelry that is, just isn't working out. My creation that I started last class ended up falling to pieces today and I had to begin a new one only to be let down by the progress. I'll pick it up. Sadly, today is the last day to drop classes, and I'm trying to psych myself up to do well in the class so I won't regret it. Trust me, my GPA cannot suffer another blow.

I received some disturbing news from my graduate advisor for my Sorority chapter. It looks like one of the schools we were looking to get some applications from for the upcoming Fall rush has denied us to come on their campus and speaks to interested girls. We can't even post fliers. I've been trying to strategize getting in contact with at least one interested girl who can spread the word about rush. You know how it when one person finds something out, they need to share it with everyone.

Right now I'm sitting in the library trying to kill time before my chapter meeting. I would go home but then I'd be back tracking and wasting gas when the meeting location is closer to my school. I was thinking about visiting my father to kill time, but that may not be such a good idea.

My school has officially pissed me off to the point of causing tears. I was supposed to be receiving my financial aid check this Friday, but something in my gut kept telling me to check with Student Accounts and Financial Aid to make sure. So today I did. I went in to the Students Accounts office and the man pulled up my account and said I owed like 3k and I was like, no way! Then he asked me if I was getting loans and I was like yeah, and then he clarified that because my loans hadn't come through yet, the account showed a balance due, and in other words, no refund check for me come friday. This really boils my buttons because I had big plans for that money. Big plans! Big get out some debt plans! I have to call my Car financer and let him know it may be a while before I can those payments over to him. I don't think I can handle a repo! God, help me!

I'm participating in the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Walk this Sunday in SF. I've never done a walk/race before and I'm glad I chose this one to be my first. I know it's not a lot, but so far I've raised $50 of my $100 goal. That's half way there! This event will be one my chapters community service activities and I think it'll be a good one to kick the new year off. I'm also walking for my grandmother who lost her fight with Breast Cancer in 2003. Rest in Peace.

I've got some health scares of my own that I'm avoiding. But I wont get into that right now.

Geez, I'm the only one in the computer area of my schools library and it's lonely. I'm usually here through out the day when students are hoping to get a comp. My school is super small and our resources are limited. You would think shelling out nearly 32k a year in tuition would increase the computer to student ratio, but hey, that's Private school for you.

Okay, I'm slightly over this post now, so I'm going to stop before I just decide to delete it.

Trying to Finish

2006-09-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

Goodness, I didn't realize it had been a whole summer since I'd written last. My summer wasn't much to brag about. I finished the semester in June, and did the usual--you know, work all summer and be left with nothing to show for it. What I had hoped would be my last full semester of undergraduate work started in August, and now I'm just back on the undergrad grind. I really just want to finish. I had a major disappointing set back not being able to get into a class that I really need in hopes of finishing by March. Now, I may not be finished until next December, unless of course I come out successful after the assessment. Oh, how I detest tests!

Today, it's hotter than a pressin' kitchen. There was a few hot days over the summer, and I wish this weather would've occurred then. It's a scorcher! Still, not hot enough for me to walk around half dressed like my mother didn't teach me class. No sir! To me, it's never going to be that hot.

I moved away from Pinole and into a 3-bedroom condo with two ther chicks, and the situation is working out. I have my own room, share a bath, and there's even a washer/dryer combo in the unit to sweeten the deal! Talk about convenient. It's been interesting living with strangers, but I've been doing it since late June, so I've gotten used to it.

Let's see...oh yes, back to graduation. Again, I feel like I'm being left out, though it's my own damn fault. Had I not been so lazy! Had I sucked it up and went to class even just to sit there! Had I paid more attention! Had I asked for help when I needed it the most! Oh pooh. I know I'll finish, but I just want to be done.

Six years of college isn't bad, but the time you put in is what boils my buttons! I'll finish though. I will.

All Cried Out

2006-05-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was my breaking point. The day started off kind of rocky. I spent the night before (late in the night) doing things I should not have been doing with my ex-boyfriend. All of Wednesday I had been thinking about him and the conversation we had earlier in the day. Isn't it funny when they seem to say all the right things but in a way, it's all the wrong things too? I guess I'm intrigued with confusion, because I'm definitely confused and I've noticed he seems to confuse himself. I don't know what it is about him. I spent a month pretty much bad mouthing and swearing him off after the break up, and now look at me, back to square one. I may not be sure about a lot of things, but I know for sure this isn't what I want. This isn't what I deserve.

I held out yesterday on calling him. I figure, if he cares, he'd call me, right? Especially after spending the night together (not literally, I went home, and on a scale to 1-10 for an intense evening, it was about a 7.5) but he didn't. I was going to call, but decided to busy myself with the homework and studying I've been putting off for the longest. And boy, was that an ordeal. I'm a very emotional person, and well, I let my tears get the best of me.

It was Algebra that had me stressing. After attempting to do the practice test, and after a good 45mins damn near on one problem, I started crying like a big baby. I needed it. I believe my tears came from frustration of just everything happening. And it's all my fault, honestly. I'm a big procrastinator and I need help. I should look into taking some class or reading about time management, however, I'd most likely procrastinate that, too. So sad.

Today hasn't started off any better. I had an exam, and I thought I was prepared, at least for a B, but boy was I wrong. The practice test confused me and this exam today was no better. I feel I am doomed. I had another cry, only this time, I don't feel so good after. I just want to sleep. I wish I didn't live all the way in Pinole and have to drive on I-80 to get home. I wish I could knock out a few hours before my shift at the good old bank begins. Oh yeah, I'm at risk of being terminated ( I think) but my managers haven't noticed yet. But I'm sure they will.

One week of school left, and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it as much as I was two months ago. The last week means everything is due, and it's time to takes those finals. Time to test my knowledge from the entire semester. And what have I learned? Nothing. Why? Because I haven't applied myself. I'm an English major writing papers basically to pass because senioritis has kicked in overdrive. It's unfortunate, but once again it's my fault. All my fault.

I'm looking for a new job, I think I mentioned that in the last post, but I still am. I just need a change in atmosphere and I want to be around new people. Normally, I hate being the new kid on the block, but right about that, I'm welcoming newness.

My goodness. I feel like crying again but I'm all cried out. It doesn't feel good to cry, at least not right now. I'm hungry. I want to write a story, yet I have four papers to turn out by Tuesday, one big one (15-20) due Monday with a presentation. I so don't want to do any of it right now. I'm so not taking advantage of the blessings and opportunities God has put in front of me. I feel inadequate, yet I know God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. This is my test. I need to come through with flying colors. I need to push through.

I need to believe...in myself.

What have I been doing? And what will I do next?

2006-05-03T14:26:00.000-07:00

Well, it's nearing the end. Another semester coming to a close. I think of how good I was doing at the end of Spring semester 2005. Emotionally, I was out of whack, but academically I was proud. I had my work turned in on time, I was motivated about doing well on my finals, and I just couldn't wait to get out of school and get on to summer and enjoy it. This semester however, I'm still a bit out of whack emotionally, and academically, I'm just a sad sob story. I have a bunch of excuses, but when it comes down to it, it's just an excuse.

I told myself I would do %100 better this semester than fall semester, but from the first week of Spring semester it was all down hill. I kicked the year off feeling sorry for myself and still feel sorry for myself, but I'm working on it.

I always wait until the last minute to try and turn things around. For example, I've known since January that I had a 15-20 paper to complete for my Senior thesis class, however, here I am, a week before it's due and barely doing the research. In addition to completing that paper, I have 3 or so more papers to get in before the semester ends. I also signed myself up for a Saturday class, and our first paper is due this Saturday, and well, the teacher is just going to have to get it late. I have too much on my plate, and once again, I'm guilty for serving myself more than I can chew.

I'm trying to motivate myself to stay on track with getting my work completed. I need a miracle, hope and a prayer to get me through my math exam this Friday and the math final next Wednesday. Is it just me, or are two exams a week apart a bit much? My avergage is so sad, but if I pull of a B on this weeks exam and a B on the final, there may be hope. Thankfully we get to have a page (front and back) of notes this week, and 8 pages (front and back) for the final. I don't know what I'd do without it. I just hate comprehensive tests. It's like, can't we just cover the last few weeks or so? Gee!

I'm kicking myself in the butt every morning waking up before 6am, but not moving until about 6:20am. My mother and her partner came up with the brilliant idea of moving us out to Pinole, which in my opinion is way off in the boonies! I mean really, who the hell lives in Pinole? I hate the commute (an additional 20minutes, w/o traffic, but with a totally different story), and I'm not too taken with the new place. My room is a tad smaller, and the window is barely that. I love natural light, and I barely getting any now. But I guess I need not complain since I don't pay any rent. I need to count my blessings instead of complaining.

After finals, my summer goal is to find a new job, or a second job, that can give me a few more dollars and more experience with something else. After five years, banking pretty much sucks. I'm not even a finance major or anything. I'm really looking for the second gig to save some dough and get myself into my own place. I'm approaching 23 and need to be more responsible and I should have my own dwelling. I'm hoping I can get my summer goals accomplished before July. It would be sweet to have my own place by my birthday.

Ahh, and the ever shaky love life. What can I say? I love boys! And that's the problem really, boys! I know deep down I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I'm still quite selfish and I have a hard time trusting people anyway. As of now, I'm interested in 3 completely different guys. There's one who started off sooooo not my type, but I've grown quite fond of. We've had some turmoil and I'm not sure if I want to get back to the way we were without some promise of stability. He doesn't come off as the settle down type, and honestly, he's got way more going on that I can handle. The other is an interesting fellow. I'm physically attracted (of course) but finding myself intrigued and wanting to get to know him better. Funny where flirting can lead you to. And the third guy would be my dream guy if only he had more time and showed more of an interest. We had one date and I'm smittened. True, I was smittened when he asked me for my phone number on Christmas day, but I still have butterflies. It's a long distance thing that really isn't a thing, but you never know what can happen. Los Angeles isn't that far right? Lol.

Well, I'd better jet. I've been trying to hold my call from nature but can no longer. Not to mention I need to get to class soon. Toodles.