Though I'm not sure how many readers I actually have, so, for the known two, let me just say I have lots to blog about but not a lot of time. So here's a little teaser...
--New Social Circle
--Flash Update (yeah it's been a while, and I know I promised to stop blogging about the negative but....)
--Possible engagement (Yes! I said it, whoop whoop)
--Baby D updates (good and bad, womp womp womp)
So, stay tuned. I'll get to it soon enough.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Word of the Day: Jealous
You know how people say "you're green with envy", well, what do they say when you're jealous? I don't know, but I'll find out when I have more energy to. Whatever it is they say, I am definitely jealous.
It's another week, another day, another night before another morning where I am still unemployed. Listen to me, it sounds as if someone is doing this to me on purpose. As much as I want to place blame on someone else, I know it's my own damn fault. Early last week I was on a little bit of a high when I got a call from a recruiter with a temp agency called me up about a job opportunity--temporary, but nonetheless an opportunity--and I was really psyched because this same recruiter had reached out to me before the Christmas Holidays and after we met seemed like he was interested in helping me. Back then, there was an opportunity available but his client put the position on hold due the volume of business right now (damned economy) so anyway, the recruiter said he's keep in touch if anything came up. Well, last week, something did. I interviewed for it and it went really well, but it took my recruiter and the client exactly a week to decide they wanted to do a second interview because there were several positions they were considering me for. I hate that I had to do a second interview because at this point I just want a job already, but I'm told being asked for a second interview is a good thing. Hell, when I was applying for my job at the bank eons ago, I had three interviews. Anywho, that interview was this afternoon and it seemed to go just as well as the first, so I'm hopeful. The assignment could go 'til April, but I don't care.
Just when I'm down, things in different departments start happening. A couple of blogs back, I mentioned finally getting on the ball in the Child Support department, well I officially submitted the paperwork in October but my case wasn't opened until mid November. I had to let them know I was unemployed which I didn't think would be for long. Anywho, the process is very slow going because unfortunately there are a bunch of deadbeat daddies in the world, so you pretty much just have to wait until your number is called. Well, my number must be moving right along because my case worker has called me twice for updated information. Apparently, Flash's employer never got around to verifying employment and wages, but the State was able to verify he was indeed employed and will go above his employer to get their necessary information, however, considering I am unemployed and Baby D is not in day care full time, my case worker informed me I should hold off for now on having a summons and complaint filed because say I get a job after the unemployment information is collected and no day care funds will be allocated on Flash end, it won't be much. So, I'm hoping to hear back from my recruiter by tomorrow with an update so I can let my case worker know. She says that if Baby D is back in day care full time, Flash will be ordered to pay half. That would be a big help, especially since I was going to put anything I got from him towards that. Day care alone eat up a big portion of one pay check, geesh! It'll be nice to get that help. Of course, I'm anticipating some resistance on Flash's part when he's served, but I'll just deal with that when it comes. It's just refreshing to know that at some point Baby D is going to be getting some financial support.
I finally finished and submitted the necessary application and statement to this teaching intern program I learned about. I've been in communication with the director and I'm praying to get into the program. It's really well organized. It's a program set up by Mayor of Oakland Ron Dellums and the City of Oakland to hire prospective teachers as interns and have them employed teaching while earning their credential as soon as Fall 2009 in the Oakland Unified School District. A lot of people are intimidated by Oakland schools, but I definitely am not. It did take me a while to carefully think about teaching middle school or high school students, and through assessments it's clear I'm good with a younger crowd but not quite elementary. Hopefully I get into the program. I attended an informational session at HNU for the credential and Masters program and found it be very informative. If I don't get into the program, I will definitely keep pursuing teaching, just taking a different route.
My sister and mother were out of town for about 5 days visiting family in Texas for one of my aunts 50th birthday party. Two years ago everyone was out for my mother party, so this year it was time for people to head to Texas. Of course, Baby D and I didn't attend. My aunt offered to pay for our ticket, but I had to pass. I don't like going places broke, not to mention, there's always some family drama. I don't need to fly to another state for that. My mom and sis got back Monday and had a nice time, but assured me there was some drama and I didn't miss much. Baby D and I missed them, and had no immediate family nearby. My dad and stepmom were in Reno over the weekend as well. Thankfully we were fine. Had there been an emergency, we would've been you know what out of luck.
I enjoyed the inauguration coverage and wanted to have a moment with Baby D who I've nick named my Baby Obama. Baby D could've cared less. As I watching our first Black President be sworn in, Baby D decided to turn the TV off because I had turned from his Go Diego Go. Hilarious.
Esquire and an old friend celebrated birthdays this month and it got me thinking about my own upcoming birthday (not until July, but that's closer than you think). I've been thinking a lot about where I am and where I want to be. Pretty soon, I'll be thirty, and I hope by then I will be in better spirits and in a better place with my life--let me say I know I will be instead of hoping to be.
There's no real structure of this post, just needed to vent and needed to feel the keys on my fingertips. I'm longing to be employed, lol. I hope to find a job to work until I'm accepted into the program (I hope, I hope, I hope), so we'll see.
Fin
It's another week, another day, another night before another morning where I am still unemployed. Listen to me, it sounds as if someone is doing this to me on purpose. As much as I want to place blame on someone else, I know it's my own damn fault. Early last week I was on a little bit of a high when I got a call from a recruiter with a temp agency called me up about a job opportunity--temporary, but nonetheless an opportunity--and I was really psyched because this same recruiter had reached out to me before the Christmas Holidays and after we met seemed like he was interested in helping me. Back then, there was an opportunity available but his client put the position on hold due the volume of business right now (damned economy) so anyway, the recruiter said he's keep in touch if anything came up. Well, last week, something did. I interviewed for it and it went really well, but it took my recruiter and the client exactly a week to decide they wanted to do a second interview because there were several positions they were considering me for. I hate that I had to do a second interview because at this point I just want a job already, but I'm told being asked for a second interview is a good thing. Hell, when I was applying for my job at the bank eons ago, I had three interviews. Anywho, that interview was this afternoon and it seemed to go just as well as the first, so I'm hopeful. The assignment could go 'til April, but I don't care.
Just when I'm down, things in different departments start happening. A couple of blogs back, I mentioned finally getting on the ball in the Child Support department, well I officially submitted the paperwork in October but my case wasn't opened until mid November. I had to let them know I was unemployed which I didn't think would be for long. Anywho, the process is very slow going because unfortunately there are a bunch of deadbeat daddies in the world, so you pretty much just have to wait until your number is called. Well, my number must be moving right along because my case worker has called me twice for updated information. Apparently, Flash's employer never got around to verifying employment and wages, but the State was able to verify he was indeed employed and will go above his employer to get their necessary information, however, considering I am unemployed and Baby D is not in day care full time, my case worker informed me I should hold off for now on having a summons and complaint filed because say I get a job after the unemployment information is collected and no day care funds will be allocated on Flash end, it won't be much. So, I'm hoping to hear back from my recruiter by tomorrow with an update so I can let my case worker know. She says that if Baby D is back in day care full time, Flash will be ordered to pay half. That would be a big help, especially since I was going to put anything I got from him towards that. Day care alone eat up a big portion of one pay check, geesh! It'll be nice to get that help. Of course, I'm anticipating some resistance on Flash's part when he's served, but I'll just deal with that when it comes. It's just refreshing to know that at some point Baby D is going to be getting some financial support.
I finally finished and submitted the necessary application and statement to this teaching intern program I learned about. I've been in communication with the director and I'm praying to get into the program. It's really well organized. It's a program set up by Mayor of Oakland Ron Dellums and the City of Oakland to hire prospective teachers as interns and have them employed teaching while earning their credential as soon as Fall 2009 in the Oakland Unified School District. A lot of people are intimidated by Oakland schools, but I definitely am not. It did take me a while to carefully think about teaching middle school or high school students, and through assessments it's clear I'm good with a younger crowd but not quite elementary. Hopefully I get into the program. I attended an informational session at HNU for the credential and Masters program and found it be very informative. If I don't get into the program, I will definitely keep pursuing teaching, just taking a different route.
My sister and mother were out of town for about 5 days visiting family in Texas for one of my aunts 50th birthday party. Two years ago everyone was out for my mother party, so this year it was time for people to head to Texas. Of course, Baby D and I didn't attend. My aunt offered to pay for our ticket, but I had to pass. I don't like going places broke, not to mention, there's always some family drama. I don't need to fly to another state for that. My mom and sis got back Monday and had a nice time, but assured me there was some drama and I didn't miss much. Baby D and I missed them, and had no immediate family nearby. My dad and stepmom were in Reno over the weekend as well. Thankfully we were fine. Had there been an emergency, we would've been you know what out of luck.
I enjoyed the inauguration coverage and wanted to have a moment with Baby D who I've nick named my Baby Obama. Baby D could've cared less. As I watching our first Black President be sworn in, Baby D decided to turn the TV off because I had turned from his Go Diego Go. Hilarious.
Esquire and an old friend celebrated birthdays this month and it got me thinking about my own upcoming birthday (not until July, but that's closer than you think). I've been thinking a lot about where I am and where I want to be. Pretty soon, I'll be thirty, and I hope by then I will be in better spirits and in a better place with my life--let me say I know I will be instead of hoping to be.
There's no real structure of this post, just needed to vent and needed to feel the keys on my fingertips. I'm longing to be employed, lol. I hope to find a job to work until I'm accepted into the program (I hope, I hope, I hope), so we'll see.
Fin
Friday, January 09, 2009
Nine for 2009
Not usually into resolutions and sadly it's clear I'm not too good at keeping and accomplishing goals, but I don't know, something about 2009 is inspiring me to want to do better. Here's my nine plans for 2009.
Nine for 2009
1. Get a Job- Not just any old job, but something that pays well and allows me to care for myself and Baby D without too much of a struggle.
2. Get Ahead – Get jump started on my planned teaching career. Continue to research and inquire on programs until I find the right one for me.
3. Find Purpose – Be it attending church every Sunday or Wednesday nights or even opening the good Book and finding a purpose through scripture.
4. Take Action – Continue to monitor the status on the Child Support order issued for Flash. See to it that it doesn’t go overlooked and make sure that the county is doing there part and I am doing mine.
5. Speak Out – Continue to be opinionated and stop making excuses for other people. If there’s something I don’t want to do; I won’t. If there is something I don’t want someone else to do to me; don’t let them.
6. Find Strength – Rebuild that confidence I had so much of in the beginning and improve on keeping that at the forefront of my mind.
7. Mommy and Me – Though every day is an important day for Baby D and I to build memories, plan to do something special for him every month, just the two of us.
8. Treat Myself – Find room in my budget to do something nice for me. A pedicure, a hair appointment or even buying something nice.
9. Create My Happiness – Figure out what makes me happy and stick with it. No more relying on petty or insignificant factors of life or people to make me happy, or convince me they know what is good for me.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Dark Night
Tonight, like the last few nights, is not a good night. My mom, bless her for all that she has done with Baby D and I, is pretty fed up with me. There's not a lot of space in our two bedroom apartment, and now that she's here full time (since parting ways with her partner recently) it's becoming clear that this place definitely isn't big enough for the three of us. I thought I was going mad living with her cats and Baby D in her absence, but now living with all of that and having her here all the time is definitely challenging.
Yes, the apartment is technically hers. I don't pay rent nor any of the household bills. Things have been that way even before I was laid off. My only responsibilities have been Baby D and seeing to it that all of his needs are covered, like his groceries and supplies and such. Lately, since she's been here, Baby D is definitely confused by two authority figures being under the same roof and different styles of parenting. My mothers style, definitely old school and considering she's a grandparent, she's more lenient and patient when it comes to me and my new age "learn as you go" sort of impatient but loving method. We butt heads and bicker a lot about Baby D and what I care to deal with and what she assures me, "Is apart of being a mother", Whatever.
She's been walking around sucking her teeth and sighing, eye balling my every interaction with Baby D and that has all resulted in me pretty much letting her take on what should be my role. I know it's not right and definitely not fair to Baby D, but honestly, I'm just annoyed and depressed and can't shake the funk I get in every now and again when I start to feel sorry for myself.
I make all of these plans in my head, but when it's time to see them through and get proactive about it, I fail. Yes, I live in my head and escape there often. Sometimes, I even feel like Baby D is my younger brother and I'm the older sister who bothers when needed. I know, it's so unfair.
My job hunt continues and daily my resume and applications are sent out, but to no avail...yet. I keep saying that hopefully the new year will bring a turn around and I'll actually start having some luck. I remain hopeful, but it's slipping.
I haven't been feeling very well, and Baby D isn't the only person I'm slipping on taking care of. I stay up pretty late and have absolutely rotten eating habits. I find comfort in anything chocolate or with a sugary taste and if I don't let up, Hostess frosted chocolate donuts are definitely going to be the end of me. I want so much to lose some wait, but there just isn't enough effort to attempt to diet at this stage in the game. A good ten, even fifteen pounds off would definitely look good, but right now looks are the furthest thing on my mind.
Oh, Happy New Year. I almost forgot to mention it. I rang in the celebration with my sister (whom I argued with only hours before countdown), my mother and Baby D. It made for an interesting evening as I allowed (well, more as sat back and did nothing) Baby D to stay up until the stroke of midnight. That proved to be wrong on my part after Baby D was nearly traumatized by the thumping sound effects from fireworks going off outside our apartments, and now any time someone knocks on the front door or walks hardly past our door, Baby D breaks out into a whine and tears and has to be soothed for a moment. No bueno.
There's one thing I can say I'm proud to be actively working on, a big goal--no more pacifiers. I originally wanted to be done with pacifiers when Baby D was nine months old, but if you look back on previous blogs, I'm sure I had something keeping me from achieving that goal. Anywho, Baby D has been going cold turkey since Monday, and it's Saturday and though it's been a tough adjustment for all of us, it's working. Only now Baby D is all about falling out on the floor or hitting or grunting really hard to let you know he's truly pissed. When we're indoors, it doesn't bother me but out in public, is a whole different issue. Outings have been cut short now while we're going through this rehab of sorts, and though many say I shouldn't, I'm easily embarrassed. I'm hoping over this next week Baby D will be passed this pacifier withdrawal, but there won't be too much to cheer about since the terrible two's are vastly approaching.
Here's some good news for a change; a sorority sister of mine, the one I am closest with, had her baby a few days after Christmas and I am just so happy for her. It's her third and I was so happy to be able to help by giving her a lot of Baby D's little baby gear and even his infant car seat. I know I wasn't opposed to hand me downs, and it's nice to know there are other people out there who don't turn up their noses to a helping hand either. Probably in another week or so I definitely need to get out to see the new baby, and because of germs and honestly, tantrums, I plan to leave Baby D with a sitter. I'll have to see which set of grandparents are available.
That's the end of this one. Blues Clues is on and Baby D is standing too close to the idiot box as always and now I need to be a good mother and back him away from it before his eye sight goes to complete sh*t, like mine.
--me
Yes, the apartment is technically hers. I don't pay rent nor any of the household bills. Things have been that way even before I was laid off. My only responsibilities have been Baby D and seeing to it that all of his needs are covered, like his groceries and supplies and such. Lately, since she's been here, Baby D is definitely confused by two authority figures being under the same roof and different styles of parenting. My mothers style, definitely old school and considering she's a grandparent, she's more lenient and patient when it comes to me and my new age "learn as you go" sort of impatient but loving method. We butt heads and bicker a lot about Baby D and what I care to deal with and what she assures me, "Is apart of being a mother", Whatever.
She's been walking around sucking her teeth and sighing, eye balling my every interaction with Baby D and that has all resulted in me pretty much letting her take on what should be my role. I know it's not right and definitely not fair to Baby D, but honestly, I'm just annoyed and depressed and can't shake the funk I get in every now and again when I start to feel sorry for myself.
I make all of these plans in my head, but when it's time to see them through and get proactive about it, I fail. Yes, I live in my head and escape there often. Sometimes, I even feel like Baby D is my younger brother and I'm the older sister who bothers when needed. I know, it's so unfair.
My job hunt continues and daily my resume and applications are sent out, but to no avail...yet. I keep saying that hopefully the new year will bring a turn around and I'll actually start having some luck. I remain hopeful, but it's slipping.
I haven't been feeling very well, and Baby D isn't the only person I'm slipping on taking care of. I stay up pretty late and have absolutely rotten eating habits. I find comfort in anything chocolate or with a sugary taste and if I don't let up, Hostess frosted chocolate donuts are definitely going to be the end of me. I want so much to lose some wait, but there just isn't enough effort to attempt to diet at this stage in the game. A good ten, even fifteen pounds off would definitely look good, but right now looks are the furthest thing on my mind.
Oh, Happy New Year. I almost forgot to mention it. I rang in the celebration with my sister (whom I argued with only hours before countdown), my mother and Baby D. It made for an interesting evening as I allowed (well, more as sat back and did nothing) Baby D to stay up until the stroke of midnight. That proved to be wrong on my part after Baby D was nearly traumatized by the thumping sound effects from fireworks going off outside our apartments, and now any time someone knocks on the front door or walks hardly past our door, Baby D breaks out into a whine and tears and has to be soothed for a moment. No bueno.
There's one thing I can say I'm proud to be actively working on, a big goal--no more pacifiers. I originally wanted to be done with pacifiers when Baby D was nine months old, but if you look back on previous blogs, I'm sure I had something keeping me from achieving that goal. Anywho, Baby D has been going cold turkey since Monday, and it's Saturday and though it's been a tough adjustment for all of us, it's working. Only now Baby D is all about falling out on the floor or hitting or grunting really hard to let you know he's truly pissed. When we're indoors, it doesn't bother me but out in public, is a whole different issue. Outings have been cut short now while we're going through this rehab of sorts, and though many say I shouldn't, I'm easily embarrassed. I'm hoping over this next week Baby D will be passed this pacifier withdrawal, but there won't be too much to cheer about since the terrible two's are vastly approaching.
Here's some good news for a change; a sorority sister of mine, the one I am closest with, had her baby a few days after Christmas and I am just so happy for her. It's her third and I was so happy to be able to help by giving her a lot of Baby D's little baby gear and even his infant car seat. I know I wasn't opposed to hand me downs, and it's nice to know there are other people out there who don't turn up their noses to a helping hand either. Probably in another week or so I definitely need to get out to see the new baby, and because of germs and honestly, tantrums, I plan to leave Baby D with a sitter. I'll have to see which set of grandparents are available.
That's the end of this one. Blues Clues is on and Baby D is standing too close to the idiot box as always and now I need to be a good mother and back him away from it before his eye sight goes to complete sh*t, like mine.
--me
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
What a difference a Week makes...
Do not be discouraged from reading, I assure you I am done crying and feeling sorry for myself in the love department. Because I want to keep going forward with optimism and do away with looking back on bad times, I am only going to speak on the last post on a positive note saying, JE and I are back on--enough said.
If anyone is like me, they are glad the Holidays are over, well at least the most expensive day has come and gone. As down as I was about not being able to pull off a nice Christmas day for Baby D, I managed to make it a pretty good one this year. I moved some things around in my unemployment budget and decided to sacrifice some things and spent a total of $100 on Baby D for Christmas. Considering I don't get much from EDD, I think that's a nice deal. I spent a good $70 in toys and crap and then spent another $30 on a new pair of kicks. Baby D is growing so fast and a new pair of shoes was a definite must. Flash's mother had mentioned buying shoes for Baby D for Christmas, but me, not wanting to wait around for people to keep their word or make them feel as if I need them (at least her anyway), I decided it would be a good motherly idea. Stride Rites had a pretty good sale and I got him a cute pair of Nike's in blue and white so he can wear them with just about anything.
My family and Esquire hooked Baby D up as well. My dad and step mother got him some really nice sweat suits by Adidas and some Elmo toys and my sister got him some sweat pants and hoodies and socks (a necessity) and my mom bought him a toy vacuum so he could imitate my domestic activities on point now. Flash's mother did actually buy him a decent pair of brown shoes also from Stride Rites and they fit him really well and he seems to like the support they give him on the ankles. Esquire got Baby D some jammies and socks and a gift card to share with me. I'm so blessed to have people in my life that really care about Baby D, aside from showering him with gifts, but genuinely taking an interest and loving him. Overall, Christmas was very nice and very laid back. We spent Christmas Eve visiting Baby D's paternal grandparents and meeting a great grandmother who was in town from Arkansas, then spent the rest of the night with my dad and step mother and family who had come over. Because my dad and step mother bought a vacation house in Reno, they had plans to ski Christmas morning and since none of us kids were joining them, decided to unwrap gifts Christmas Eve instead, and I must say, it was easier and I'm glad we did that this year. My dad and stepmother hooked my sister and I up with some cash and I was able to get a nice coat on sale from Burlington the day after Christmas.
Christmas morning Baby D and I woke up at my sisters apartment and unwrapped his gifts. My mom joined us and we had a delicious breakfast (pork chops and waffles) and creative Christmas dinner (spaghetti and chuck roast). We sat around watching Snapped marathons on the Oxygen network as well as the new series Momma's Boys on the WE station. Because Baby D woke us up rather early and just being burnt out from the week overall, my mother and I wrapped up Christmas kind of early in the evening and headed home. I had so much junk to lag around for Baby D, and I have yet to go through some his other toys that I want to donate for many reasons, one of which being a space issue.
The day after Christmas we avoided the early morning shoppers and didn't head out and about until after the rush was over. As I mentioned earlier, I bought a comfy and fitting pea coat from Burlington with my Christmas money, and after that my mother, sister, Baby D and myself had lunch at my favorite place, El Torrito, where it was pretty dead. I know a lot of people have left overs the next day, but our family is so small that we don't. Not to mention, we generally just love to eat out in the street. I habit I for one should nip in the bud coming into the new year.
Saturday Baby D and I got to visit with Esquire and her mother and Baby D got a real kick out of petting the family's two dogs. It was nice so nice to see Esquire, especially since I hadn't seen her since Baby D's birthday party over the summer (yeah, I didn't blog about that either). I had to cut the visit short out of my embarrassment of not being able to control my child. The family's house is very nice and Baby D is now at that stage of getting into whatever and treating it like whatever, a behavior I know is expected, but I am not too fond of. I know that he isn't going to sit still somewhere and mind his manners right now, but by golly I really wish I had a remote control, if so, he's forever be on pause whenever we visit folks. Next time Esquire comes, we definitely have to have an outing, and I'll need to plan that way in advance.
Sunday was chill. Baby D and I did absolutely nothing and that's how I like it. Monday we got out for a walk around our neighborhood and to the grocery store and though I hate to admit it, we had to stop at McDonalds. Baby D was supposed to have some french fries with me so I wouldn't feel so guilty, but that pooper was asleep the entire time and I had to eat alone.
I detest that I am such a foodie, and not even a foodie with taste, just a junk foodie. I can't cook to save my life, and the few meals I know how to prepare take too long and while in preparation, I lose the desire to savor. I could stand to lose some weight, a good ten or so pounds. I didn't pig out over the Holidays as expected, but I did have a third serving of collard greens and beans and rice. I've never been a salad eater, calling it rabbit food, but I know I should start giving healthier meals a try. My metabolism is definitely no longer high as it was when I was in high school and still developing. Now I have hips and thighs and while flattering for my figure, a toned stomach and arms would be a nice addition, however, having a baby definitely didn't supply that as it did my hips and thighs.
My sister says I need to learn to cook the meals I like to eat, but everything I like to eat I like to eat prepared by the hands of a skilled cook. I may give slim fast a try, it's been working for my stepmom for years. I just know that a lot of healthy foods have no flavor and I know there are diets where you can still eat what you enjoy just in moderation, but that word is foreign to me when you put chicken and shrimp fajitas, or chicken enchiladas, or a Red Robin cheeseburger in my face. And working out has never worked for me. I used to do crunches right after I had Baby D, but I've grown tired and lazy and if I'm lying down, the last thing I'm trying to do is a crunch.
I really do need to learn how to cook for Baby D aside from my own issues. He's out of the baby food stage, and those Gerber Graduate Entree's seem to be played out in his book. He's a big fan of beans--refried, pinto, red--you name it, and he likes chicken (I made some not too long ago) but I need to give him more variety. He won't eat vegetables alone, they have to be mixed together with some hidden flavor to think he's having something else. I was a very picky eater growing up and due to being spoiled, I was indulged and that's why I am that way today. I don't want that for Bab D. I want him to be open to trying new things so they he has a eclectic palette. Since we've been home together while I'm unemployed, I've had to get creative with the meals. Breakfast is standard every day (oatmeal and yogurt) but lunch and dinner is always an obstacle. The last three days he's been having grilled cheese sandwiches that I cut into little bite size squares (pictured), perfect for his little fingers. He's really independent and I'm all for that, so preparing meals that he can feed himself is a must.
If anyone has any ideas/recipes you could share that would much appreciated. I check all the parenting sites often, so I'm sure I can get some ideas. Anywho, because I'm sure I won't be posting before the year is out, have a safe and Happy New Year 2009!!! Can you believe it?
If anyone is like me, they are glad the Holidays are over, well at least the most expensive day has come and gone. As down as I was about not being able to pull off a nice Christmas day for Baby D, I managed to make it a pretty good one this year. I moved some things around in my unemployment budget and decided to sacrifice some things and spent a total of $100 on Baby D for Christmas. Considering I don't get much from EDD, I think that's a nice deal. I spent a good $70 in toys and crap and then spent another $30 on a new pair of kicks. Baby D is growing so fast and a new pair of shoes was a definite must. Flash's mother had mentioned buying shoes for Baby D for Christmas, but me, not wanting to wait around for people to keep their word or make them feel as if I need them (at least her anyway), I decided it would be a good motherly idea. Stride Rites had a pretty good sale and I got him a cute pair of Nike's in blue and white so he can wear them with just about anything.
My family and Esquire hooked Baby D up as well. My dad and step mother got him some really nice sweat suits by Adidas and some Elmo toys and my sister got him some sweat pants and hoodies and socks (a necessity) and my mom bought him a toy vacuum so he could imitate my domestic activities on point now. Flash's mother did actually buy him a decent pair of brown shoes also from Stride Rites and they fit him really well and he seems to like the support they give him on the ankles. Esquire got Baby D some jammies and socks and a gift card to share with me. I'm so blessed to have people in my life that really care about Baby D, aside from showering him with gifts, but genuinely taking an interest and loving him. Overall, Christmas was very nice and very laid back. We spent Christmas Eve visiting Baby D's paternal grandparents and meeting a great grandmother who was in town from Arkansas, then spent the rest of the night with my dad and step mother and family who had come over. Because my dad and step mother bought a vacation house in Reno, they had plans to ski Christmas morning and since none of us kids were joining them, decided to unwrap gifts Christmas Eve instead, and I must say, it was easier and I'm glad we did that this year. My dad and stepmother hooked my sister and I up with some cash and I was able to get a nice coat on sale from Burlington the day after Christmas.
Christmas morning Baby D and I woke up at my sisters apartment and unwrapped his gifts. My mom joined us and we had a delicious breakfast (pork chops and waffles) and creative Christmas dinner (spaghetti and chuck roast). We sat around watching Snapped marathons on the Oxygen network as well as the new series Momma's Boys on the WE station. Because Baby D woke us up rather early and just being burnt out from the week overall, my mother and I wrapped up Christmas kind of early in the evening and headed home. I had so much junk to lag around for Baby D, and I have yet to go through some his other toys that I want to donate for many reasons, one of which being a space issue.
The day after Christmas we avoided the early morning shoppers and didn't head out and about until after the rush was over. As I mentioned earlier, I bought a comfy and fitting pea coat from Burlington with my Christmas money, and after that my mother, sister, Baby D and myself had lunch at my favorite place, El Torrito, where it was pretty dead. I know a lot of people have left overs the next day, but our family is so small that we don't. Not to mention, we generally just love to eat out in the street. I habit I for one should nip in the bud coming into the new year.
Saturday Baby D and I got to visit with Esquire and her mother and Baby D got a real kick out of petting the family's two dogs. It was nice so nice to see Esquire, especially since I hadn't seen her since Baby D's birthday party over the summer (yeah, I didn't blog about that either). I had to cut the visit short out of my embarrassment of not being able to control my child. The family's house is very nice and Baby D is now at that stage of getting into whatever and treating it like whatever, a behavior I know is expected, but I am not too fond of. I know that he isn't going to sit still somewhere and mind his manners right now, but by golly I really wish I had a remote control, if so, he's forever be on pause whenever we visit folks. Next time Esquire comes, we definitely have to have an outing, and I'll need to plan that way in advance.
Sunday was chill. Baby D and I did absolutely nothing and that's how I like it. Monday we got out for a walk around our neighborhood and to the grocery store and though I hate to admit it, we had to stop at McDonalds. Baby D was supposed to have some french fries with me so I wouldn't feel so guilty, but that pooper was asleep the entire time and I had to eat alone.
I detest that I am such a foodie, and not even a foodie with taste, just a junk foodie. I can't cook to save my life, and the few meals I know how to prepare take too long and while in preparation, I lose the desire to savor. I could stand to lose some weight, a good ten or so pounds. I didn't pig out over the Holidays as expected, but I did have a third serving of collard greens and beans and rice. I've never been a salad eater, calling it rabbit food, but I know I should start giving healthier meals a try. My metabolism is definitely no longer high as it was when I was in high school and still developing. Now I have hips and thighs and while flattering for my figure, a toned stomach and arms would be a nice addition, however, having a baby definitely didn't supply that as it did my hips and thighs.
My sister says I need to learn to cook the meals I like to eat, but everything I like to eat I like to eat prepared by the hands of a skilled cook. I may give slim fast a try, it's been working for my stepmom for years. I just know that a lot of healthy foods have no flavor and I know there are diets where you can still eat what you enjoy just in moderation, but that word is foreign to me when you put chicken and shrimp fajitas, or chicken enchiladas, or a Red Robin cheeseburger in my face. And working out has never worked for me. I used to do crunches right after I had Baby D, but I've grown tired and lazy and if I'm lying down, the last thing I'm trying to do is a crunch.
I really do need to learn how to cook for Baby D aside from my own issues. He's out of the baby food stage, and those Gerber Graduate Entree's seem to be played out in his book. He's a big fan of beans--refried, pinto, red--you name it, and he likes chicken (I made some not too long ago) but I need to give him more variety. He won't eat vegetables alone, they have to be mixed together with some hidden flavor to think he's having something else. I was a very picky eater growing up and due to being spoiled, I was indulged and that's why I am that way today. I don't want that for Bab D. I want him to be open to trying new things so they he has a eclectic palette. Since we've been home together while I'm unemployed, I've had to get creative with the meals. Breakfast is standard every day (oatmeal and yogurt) but lunch and dinner is always an obstacle. The last three days he's been having grilled cheese sandwiches that I cut into little bite size squares (pictured), perfect for his little fingers. He's really independent and I'm all for that, so preparing meals that he can feed himself is a must.
If anyone has any ideas/recipes you could share that would much appreciated. I check all the parenting sites often, so I'm sure I can get some ideas. Anywho, because I'm sure I won't be posting before the year is out, have a safe and Happy New Year 2009!!! Can you believe it?
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Lloro Por Ti (I Cry For You)
Another unsatisfying weekend has come to a close, and let's just say the happenings of this weekend were definitely not expected, however, not too much of a surprise. First, the good part of the weekend. Friday, Baby D and I spent a good three hours at Stoneridge trying to find something for me to wear to JE's Christmas party on the Hornblower. Thanfully, I found something I knew I'd be comfortable in and thought JE would like and settled with that. Friday night, JE made me feel kind of special wanting to see me (even though we weren't going to see each other until Sat. evening before the cruise) and we spent some time together and that was that.
Saturday morning I went to breakfast with my mother, sister, aunt, god mother, Baby D, and my god mother's partner, and it would have been a nice breakfast had the couple a few tables over not made it blatantly obvious that they were annoyed with Baby D and his need to be heard. No, Baby D is not a bad baby, but he is very expressive and genuinely happy and excited all of the time, a blessing if you ask me. However, the couple, most like in their late 50's or early 60's was very annoyed at every sound Baby D made and had the nerve to give me looks. I broke down. It's already hard enough being a single mother having to play dual roles, but it doesn't make it any easier when people display their disgust or disapproval of my situation in public settings. I have never experienced anything like that when we're in public. Normally, I'm trying to hush Baby D myself out of my own embarrassment issue, while others assure me it's not a big deal and that is just how babies act, but this was different. Anywho, my family tried to calm me down and told me not to sweat those patrons and that if they kept on looking and making hard sighs that they would indeed be checked. I never want to have to take it there, but trust me, these people were rude. I hate to also think that race may have played a part too, but you know, it could have.
After breakfast, Baby D stayed with my mom as I had a hair appointment so I could look nice for the dinner cruise later in the evening. The hair appointment turned out to be interesting considering my good friend does my hair (she's really good) and well just an hour before my appointment (mind you I was sitting in my car outside her place until appointment time) and lets me know she has come down with Pink Eye and just wanted to far warn me since it is highly contagious and she was concerned with me passing it on to Baby D. I told her I would take my chances because my hair was seriously busted and I had somewhere to be that night and couldn't work with my hair on my own. For having Pink Eye, she did a good job and got me in and out.
I dashed over to JE's house to get ready and that's when the trouble of the night really began. JE assumed I'd already be dressed, but I wasn't and luckily all I had to do was throw on my clothes since I had showered and all that good stuff earlier. I would've gotten dressed at my friends place but I didn't want to keep her and not to mention expose myself to the infection any more than I had to. After I was dressed, I thought JE would have something nice to say, but he didn't. When I asked him should I wear my freshly done hair up or down, he told me it didn't matter and that it looked nice either way (not really what I wanted to hear, you know). I was sort of bummed considering I thought I looked really nice and presentable for the occasion and that I was meeting his boss and co-workers for the first time. No, I wasn't fishing for compliments, but I guess I just wanted to hear him say something nice, like he was excited to have me on his arm. No, didn't get that.
We got in his car and headed off to pick up his co-workers who needed a ride over, and one co-worker in particular looked very dapper and JE complimented him right away. When I called him on it, he said he was so impressed with his colleague because at work they're usually in street clothes and never looking like much, but whatev. After getting through some traffic on the Bay Bridge, we finally get to the Pier where the boat was docked and JE and his co-workers wanted to get a drink at a bar another pier or so down on the Embarcadero, and I obliged being that I wasn't going to sit in the car or cold alone. I just wish someone would have considered that I was in heels, but no, not really. It was only a block or two, but I was cold and I don't wear heels often so truthfully I'm no Tyra Banks in them but that's beside the point. After the guys had their drink and the bar and I finished my Shirley Temple--because you know I don't drink--we headed back down to our Pier which hadn't started boarding quite yet. When we got there, some people had finally started arriving and here came the introductions. JE introduced me simply as Christina--because he later claimed everyone knew who I was to him-- and when one colleague asked if JE would be attending the club his boss owns in the City, JE had the nerve to say that he wouldn't be joining on the account of having to take me home. Ass! That's not the way I want to be introduced to people, as a damper in your good time. I called him on that right away and it was all down hill from there. JE apologized, but my feelings were still hurt. True, he did have to take me home because I'm not and have never been in to club life so I was not interested in attending a club after the cruise, not to mention my mom was sitting for Baby D and had church the next morning and I didn't want to get home too late.
After making it through a few more introductions after we boarded, we finally sat. And we just so happened to sit at the same table of his boss who had brought (hired really) two Playboy Playmates as his dates (and also to promote at his club after the cruise). JE introduced me to his boss (whom he also hangs out with pretty regularly) who actually said, "So you're my competition?" wha-what? The nerve. Anywho, one of the playmates sat right next to me and after some musical chairs the other had a chance to sit next to me as well but soon the first one was back. Of course the guys were all swooning for these pretty ladies, and it was a sad sight. It's like have we no dignity? Yes, I'm sure these women are gawked at constantly, but you have to wonder if they ever get annoyed. Considering one of them let me know it was her job to "Party" and promote the brand "Playboy", I doubt they ever get annoyed. What I don't appreciate about the misconception of women in Playboy is that they must be whores too, not so for a lot of them I'm sure, and it's unfortunate guys turn up the charm in hopes of actually taking one home. I don't know JE's boss too well, but he seemed like he was hoping to get them both in bed that night.
Soon after the dinner course was served, JE made his way to the bar and well, stayed there with his co-workers, leaving me to mingle with Playmate and co-workers who only seemed to be talking to me or including me in their conversations because they noticed my date abandoned me. Yes, the Playmates were interesting girls, but to be honest, I could care less. I didn't go to meet Playmates, I went to spend time with my boyfriend who preferred to down beers and take shots all night with these co-workers he sees on a daily basis. I grew bored very quickly and had enough. I found a spot away from it all on the Sky Deck and my thoughts were all that entertained me. I was hoping JE would come to his senses and think maybe he should at least check on me, but he didn't. For all he knew, I could've been thrown overboard and left out in the Pacific. Dramatic? I know, but it happens. About fifteen minutes before the cruise was set to end I decided to let JE know how ticked and alone I felt. I found him on the deck having yet another beer with his buds and had to pull him aside and away from the group.
When I began to lay into him, of course he saw no fault in his behavior and even had the nerve to say he thought I was okay because I had been talking with the Playmates. Then he goes onto to say I'm tripping because the other girlfriends and wives were not worried about their dates. I quickly let him know that I'm not those other women and how they feel about their dates is their business, my concern was him and I was obviously not his. We argued and I demanded to be taken home directly after we had docked and were back on land. He obliged.
The ride back was quiet on my end, but his drunk co-worker had plenty to say from the back seat. We dropped him off to his car and then JE had to get back to his house to get my bag and car but as we made our way back we pretty much argued and broke up. I was devastated when JE said flat that he was done and didn't need "this", "this" being me and my rant. I wanted to make sure he was for sure about his words and indeed wanted to end it and we argued some more and after a weird happening of things, we patched enough to where I let him know that I had thought about his desire to want his time and that I'm not going to beg him to be with me. We parted, and JE set out to yet another function for a night of drinking, while I headed home to my sleeping baby. Because last night was rather emotional on both ends ( I cried of course) I thought I'd hear from him today being that he made it seem like he was going to call, but once again, I misinterpreted the moment and well he never called, and I called him only to have it reiterated again that we are indeed "on a break". I wanted to know the specifics and boundaries of that decision, however he didn't have the want to go there and get into it. I can't make him, so it is what it is.
As much as it hurts, and after all of the time and blogs invested in that 21 month venture, I guess I'm mature and have had enough heart break in life to know that I can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to, and I have enough love for him to give him up and let him do his thing. And yes, the hopeless romantic in me still believes in the saying, "If you love someone, let them go..." you know how it ends. No, it has never worked in my favor, but I will say that if I hadn't let something so natural that needed to happen actually happen, then a lot of my exes wouldn't be in the happy relationships they are in now, so at least someone ends up in love.
Aside from JE and our problems, I have more on my plate and I don't want to say I'm taking things off for good, like JE, however, I'm moving things around for sure and putting my priorities first. Think of it as eating all of my vegetables first and getting to the other stuff when I can.
I haven't been very good to myself or my responsibilities. I'm in this fog of waiting for things to happen, which don't seem like they're ever going to happen, or at least happen when I'd like them to. JE was the first guy I really thought was going to end all of my lovesick woes and be with me and love all of me and work it out in the toughest of times. I don't know, I love him, but it wouldn't be love if I tried to keep him in my grasp when he's running away. I'm sure with time, I'll get it and probably JE and I won't get back on track. It's been so long since we were and whatever has been keeping us together this long, couldn't have been healthy because look where we are now. I have my insecurities and the selfish side of me that thinks maybe he has been stepping out on me or has plans to pursue another woman without the baggage I have, or whatever, but the rational side of me wants me to believe it's not about me and if he's doing whatever he's doing, that's his business and it's his life, and right now, it really shouldn't be a concern of mine since I'm just not one of his.
I really just want to get my life on track. I have this beautiful little boy who depends on me and needs me to be healthy and strong and be everything for him. I'm tearing up as I write this because I look back on this first year of his life and how much time I spent away from him to be with JE or try to have JE be around so it wouldn't seem like I was spending time away from him, but I was and it's not cool. My mom never did that to my sister and I when she was dating after she divorced my dad, and there was a never a time in my adolescence where I felt my mother was putting a man before us. I know Baby D is still so young, but it would kill me if he ever thought I was doing that. There's no man or anyone who will ever come before him. I truly believe that my whole existence was planned for me to have him and until he's a grown man and tells me to let him not need me, but in the mean time I am his everything.
I want to find a job, get back in school, get my own place, and provide this life for him that I want so much to give him. He deserves it and I don't have a time line right now of when we'll have our own of everything, but I'm never going to stop working on.
The title of this blog is the title of an Enrique Iglesias song that I heard in the car last night and I think it's fitting. No, I'm not crying for JE in a way that I can't live without him or anything desperate and pathetic, but more so that I'm crying because I'm so upset with how everything is turning out. From my relationship with him and trying to sustain an unfilled love life, to how I'm in the same boat I was in last year at this time. I just have to get so much about myself right.
Good Night.
Saturday morning I went to breakfast with my mother, sister, aunt, god mother, Baby D, and my god mother's partner, and it would have been a nice breakfast had the couple a few tables over not made it blatantly obvious that they were annoyed with Baby D and his need to be heard. No, Baby D is not a bad baby, but he is very expressive and genuinely happy and excited all of the time, a blessing if you ask me. However, the couple, most like in their late 50's or early 60's was very annoyed at every sound Baby D made and had the nerve to give me looks. I broke down. It's already hard enough being a single mother having to play dual roles, but it doesn't make it any easier when people display their disgust or disapproval of my situation in public settings. I have never experienced anything like that when we're in public. Normally, I'm trying to hush Baby D myself out of my own embarrassment issue, while others assure me it's not a big deal and that is just how babies act, but this was different. Anywho, my family tried to calm me down and told me not to sweat those patrons and that if they kept on looking and making hard sighs that they would indeed be checked. I never want to have to take it there, but trust me, these people were rude. I hate to also think that race may have played a part too, but you know, it could have.
After breakfast, Baby D stayed with my mom as I had a hair appointment so I could look nice for the dinner cruise later in the evening. The hair appointment turned out to be interesting considering my good friend does my hair (she's really good) and well just an hour before my appointment (mind you I was sitting in my car outside her place until appointment time) and lets me know she has come down with Pink Eye and just wanted to far warn me since it is highly contagious and she was concerned with me passing it on to Baby D. I told her I would take my chances because my hair was seriously busted and I had somewhere to be that night and couldn't work with my hair on my own. For having Pink Eye, she did a good job and got me in and out.
I dashed over to JE's house to get ready and that's when the trouble of the night really began. JE assumed I'd already be dressed, but I wasn't and luckily all I had to do was throw on my clothes since I had showered and all that good stuff earlier. I would've gotten dressed at my friends place but I didn't want to keep her and not to mention expose myself to the infection any more than I had to. After I was dressed, I thought JE would have something nice to say, but he didn't. When I asked him should I wear my freshly done hair up or down, he told me it didn't matter and that it looked nice either way (not really what I wanted to hear, you know). I was sort of bummed considering I thought I looked really nice and presentable for the occasion and that I was meeting his boss and co-workers for the first time. No, I wasn't fishing for compliments, but I guess I just wanted to hear him say something nice, like he was excited to have me on his arm. No, didn't get that.
We got in his car and headed off to pick up his co-workers who needed a ride over, and one co-worker in particular looked very dapper and JE complimented him right away. When I called him on it, he said he was so impressed with his colleague because at work they're usually in street clothes and never looking like much, but whatev. After getting through some traffic on the Bay Bridge, we finally get to the Pier where the boat was docked and JE and his co-workers wanted to get a drink at a bar another pier or so down on the Embarcadero, and I obliged being that I wasn't going to sit in the car or cold alone. I just wish someone would have considered that I was in heels, but no, not really. It was only a block or two, but I was cold and I don't wear heels often so truthfully I'm no Tyra Banks in them but that's beside the point. After the guys had their drink and the bar and I finished my Shirley Temple--because you know I don't drink--we headed back down to our Pier which hadn't started boarding quite yet. When we got there, some people had finally started arriving and here came the introductions. JE introduced me simply as Christina--because he later claimed everyone knew who I was to him-- and when one colleague asked if JE would be attending the club his boss owns in the City, JE had the nerve to say that he wouldn't be joining on the account of having to take me home. Ass! That's not the way I want to be introduced to people, as a damper in your good time. I called him on that right away and it was all down hill from there. JE apologized, but my feelings were still hurt. True, he did have to take me home because I'm not and have never been in to club life so I was not interested in attending a club after the cruise, not to mention my mom was sitting for Baby D and had church the next morning and I didn't want to get home too late.
After making it through a few more introductions after we boarded, we finally sat. And we just so happened to sit at the same table of his boss who had brought (hired really) two Playboy Playmates as his dates (and also to promote at his club after the cruise). JE introduced me to his boss (whom he also hangs out with pretty regularly) who actually said, "So you're my competition?" wha-what? The nerve. Anywho, one of the playmates sat right next to me and after some musical chairs the other had a chance to sit next to me as well but soon the first one was back. Of course the guys were all swooning for these pretty ladies, and it was a sad sight. It's like have we no dignity? Yes, I'm sure these women are gawked at constantly, but you have to wonder if they ever get annoyed. Considering one of them let me know it was her job to "Party" and promote the brand "Playboy", I doubt they ever get annoyed. What I don't appreciate about the misconception of women in Playboy is that they must be whores too, not so for a lot of them I'm sure, and it's unfortunate guys turn up the charm in hopes of actually taking one home. I don't know JE's boss too well, but he seemed like he was hoping to get them both in bed that night.
Soon after the dinner course was served, JE made his way to the bar and well, stayed there with his co-workers, leaving me to mingle with Playmate and co-workers who only seemed to be talking to me or including me in their conversations because they noticed my date abandoned me. Yes, the Playmates were interesting girls, but to be honest, I could care less. I didn't go to meet Playmates, I went to spend time with my boyfriend who preferred to down beers and take shots all night with these co-workers he sees on a daily basis. I grew bored very quickly and had enough. I found a spot away from it all on the Sky Deck and my thoughts were all that entertained me. I was hoping JE would come to his senses and think maybe he should at least check on me, but he didn't. For all he knew, I could've been thrown overboard and left out in the Pacific. Dramatic? I know, but it happens. About fifteen minutes before the cruise was set to end I decided to let JE know how ticked and alone I felt. I found him on the deck having yet another beer with his buds and had to pull him aside and away from the group.
When I began to lay into him, of course he saw no fault in his behavior and even had the nerve to say he thought I was okay because I had been talking with the Playmates. Then he goes onto to say I'm tripping because the other girlfriends and wives were not worried about their dates. I quickly let him know that I'm not those other women and how they feel about their dates is their business, my concern was him and I was obviously not his. We argued and I demanded to be taken home directly after we had docked and were back on land. He obliged.
The ride back was quiet on my end, but his drunk co-worker had plenty to say from the back seat. We dropped him off to his car and then JE had to get back to his house to get my bag and car but as we made our way back we pretty much argued and broke up. I was devastated when JE said flat that he was done and didn't need "this", "this" being me and my rant. I wanted to make sure he was for sure about his words and indeed wanted to end it and we argued some more and after a weird happening of things, we patched enough to where I let him know that I had thought about his desire to want his time and that I'm not going to beg him to be with me. We parted, and JE set out to yet another function for a night of drinking, while I headed home to my sleeping baby. Because last night was rather emotional on both ends ( I cried of course) I thought I'd hear from him today being that he made it seem like he was going to call, but once again, I misinterpreted the moment and well he never called, and I called him only to have it reiterated again that we are indeed "on a break". I wanted to know the specifics and boundaries of that decision, however he didn't have the want to go there and get into it. I can't make him, so it is what it is.
As much as it hurts, and after all of the time and blogs invested in that 21 month venture, I guess I'm mature and have had enough heart break in life to know that I can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to, and I have enough love for him to give him up and let him do his thing. And yes, the hopeless romantic in me still believes in the saying, "If you love someone, let them go..." you know how it ends. No, it has never worked in my favor, but I will say that if I hadn't let something so natural that needed to happen actually happen, then a lot of my exes wouldn't be in the happy relationships they are in now, so at least someone ends up in love.
Aside from JE and our problems, I have more on my plate and I don't want to say I'm taking things off for good, like JE, however, I'm moving things around for sure and putting my priorities first. Think of it as eating all of my vegetables first and getting to the other stuff when I can.
I haven't been very good to myself or my responsibilities. I'm in this fog of waiting for things to happen, which don't seem like they're ever going to happen, or at least happen when I'd like them to. JE was the first guy I really thought was going to end all of my lovesick woes and be with me and love all of me and work it out in the toughest of times. I don't know, I love him, but it wouldn't be love if I tried to keep him in my grasp when he's running away. I'm sure with time, I'll get it and probably JE and I won't get back on track. It's been so long since we were and whatever has been keeping us together this long, couldn't have been healthy because look where we are now. I have my insecurities and the selfish side of me that thinks maybe he has been stepping out on me or has plans to pursue another woman without the baggage I have, or whatever, but the rational side of me wants me to believe it's not about me and if he's doing whatever he's doing, that's his business and it's his life, and right now, it really shouldn't be a concern of mine since I'm just not one of his.
I really just want to get my life on track. I have this beautiful little boy who depends on me and needs me to be healthy and strong and be everything for him. I'm tearing up as I write this because I look back on this first year of his life and how much time I spent away from him to be with JE or try to have JE be around so it wouldn't seem like I was spending time away from him, but I was and it's not cool. My mom never did that to my sister and I when she was dating after she divorced my dad, and there was a never a time in my adolescence where I felt my mother was putting a man before us. I know Baby D is still so young, but it would kill me if he ever thought I was doing that. There's no man or anyone who will ever come before him. I truly believe that my whole existence was planned for me to have him and until he's a grown man and tells me to let him not need me, but in the mean time I am his everything.
I want to find a job, get back in school, get my own place, and provide this life for him that I want so much to give him. He deserves it and I don't have a time line right now of when we'll have our own of everything, but I'm never going to stop working on.
The title of this blog is the title of an Enrique Iglesias song that I heard in the car last night and I think it's fitting. No, I'm not crying for JE in a way that I can't live without him or anything desperate and pathetic, but more so that I'm crying because I'm so upset with how everything is turning out. From my relationship with him and trying to sustain an unfilled love life, to how I'm in the same boat I was in last year at this time. I just have to get so much about myself right.
Good Night.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Live Your Life...ay ay ay
It's Thursday and that means for working folks, the week is pretty much over. For me, it means another week with no job. I had an interview Wednesday morning and it seemed promising, and I was supposed to hear back from then today, but did not. Hopefully I'll hear something tomorrow, good or bad. I hate feeling like I've wasted my time and other people's time. My mom used some of PTO to sit with Baby D while I had the interview. Regardless of the outcome, at least I have something to put on the EDD paperwork to keep the checks coming in, lol.
I went to the information session for the Masters/Credential program at HNU. It was very informative and in all honestly a bit intimidating. The school is very small in both location and population, thus the Masters programs are even smaller. The session was broken up into tables holding the department chairs. My table for the education department sat about eight of us, I think. I got some questioned answered, but felt a bit out of place. Most of the people at my table have already been in the field in some kind of way and I definitely have not been. I know I shouldn't let that turn me away from the program, but sometimes I get insecure about keeping up. I shouldn't worry so much about what others have going for them, but instead worry about having things going for myself. Whatever, at least I got off of my ass and did something productive today.
I'm still in need of something to wear to Saturday nights holiday party for JE's company. Tomorrow Baby D and I are going to get up and head to mall. I'm sure I'll find something at good old Forever 21. I dread going into stores like that now considering I push around a big stroller and I'm not sure if we'll get through the aisles. Now that I think about it, it seems like a rather far drive to go all the way to Stoneridge in Pleasanton for the same store at Southland, but I hate Southland Mall, no truly. It was just a few months ago when someone was shooting up the mall. Aside from the violence an shear tacky-ness, the place just irks me. I don't know, I'll see how far I'll feel like driving. Hell, I live right next to TJ Max and Old Navy right here at Southshore shopping center in Alameda, so maybe I'll find something there. I don't want to go crazy over a top, so my budget is something under $40, lol.
I'm so annoyed with the current state of my hair. It's so thin and blah and I've been trying something new for the last few months but it's getting to be expensive and annoying all together considering it only lasts for a few days before it's all downhill. I need a job so I can continue to maintain it, my goodness.
Yes, this post is purely one big complaint. I think I'm done now.
I went to the information session for the Masters/Credential program at HNU. It was very informative and in all honestly a bit intimidating. The school is very small in both location and population, thus the Masters programs are even smaller. The session was broken up into tables holding the department chairs. My table for the education department sat about eight of us, I think. I got some questioned answered, but felt a bit out of place. Most of the people at my table have already been in the field in some kind of way and I definitely have not been. I know I shouldn't let that turn me away from the program, but sometimes I get insecure about keeping up. I shouldn't worry so much about what others have going for them, but instead worry about having things going for myself. Whatever, at least I got off of my ass and did something productive today.
I'm still in need of something to wear to Saturday nights holiday party for JE's company. Tomorrow Baby D and I are going to get up and head to mall. I'm sure I'll find something at good old Forever 21. I dread going into stores like that now considering I push around a big stroller and I'm not sure if we'll get through the aisles. Now that I think about it, it seems like a rather far drive to go all the way to Stoneridge in Pleasanton for the same store at Southland, but I hate Southland Mall, no truly. It was just a few months ago when someone was shooting up the mall. Aside from the violence an shear tacky-ness, the place just irks me. I don't know, I'll see how far I'll feel like driving. Hell, I live right next to TJ Max and Old Navy right here at Southshore shopping center in Alameda, so maybe I'll find something there. I don't want to go crazy over a top, so my budget is something under $40, lol.
I'm so annoyed with the current state of my hair. It's so thin and blah and I've been trying something new for the last few months but it's getting to be expensive and annoying all together considering it only lasts for a few days before it's all downhill. I need a job so I can continue to maintain it, my goodness.
Yes, this post is purely one big complaint. I think I'm done now.
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